Comemuffins

As the movie I am watching comes to an end, I realized that everything was tied up nice and tightly at the end. Every character got resolution, every situation ended not only resolved, but resolved positively. Which, to be honest, I like. I cannot stand it when a movie or a book that I am emotionally involved in doesn't end with everything wrapped up. I hate when there is an ambiguous end, when the characters don't get their comeuppance (or comemuffins according to the Simpsons), or I don't get my resolution.

I think I get so much satisfaction in that because I am so far away from that in my own life, which I think many would agree applies to their lives as well. I have so little control over my life and its outcomes, and what happens to me, that I enjoy when something can be clean and neat and controlled tightly. Life is just too messy to ever expect it to occur like that. Nothing goes the way it is supposed to. Well, I take that back, nothing goes the way I often hope/expect it to. I know there are bigger plans, that there is a bigger picture that I can't see. That knowledge helps a bit with the frustration over my lack of control, but of course as I am human, I forget that and often try to find other ways of either trying to control whatever I can around me (just ask Jeff) or ways of dealing with the feeling of powerlessness.

These things manifest themselves in many different ways, which those who know me have grown accustomed to such as dyeing my hair. I tend to dye my hair when I feel restless or anxious about something that I cannot control, so what can I control? My hair color. There are many other manifestations of my struggles, several of which are significant enough in my life that I needed to begin my own recovery around them beginning about 8 years back. Despite the fact that 8 years may sound like a long time, I am still constantly learning and relearning the idea of powerlessness and the freedom and not the paralyzing fear that it brings. Because if I am truly powerless, then what do I have to worry about? It means that if I have no control, Someone Else must have it, and I can let go and let that Someone Else deal with it. I don't have to have anxiety, I don't have to grasp at things that will only either give me temporary satisfaction or make me feel even worse.

Things I know, and yet continue to struggle with. But I think I am okay with that, it is in the struggle that I grow. It's when I stop struggling with it that I think I am in trouble!

Tina you fat lard, come and eat your dinner!

Where else can you get paid to exchange quotes from Napoleon Dynamite on the MDC (it's the PD version of chatting between the patrol car and dispatch) with one of your officers?

That's right, SVPD!

While I would of course love for each and every day to be packed full of activity, I do also enjoy the quieter times when I can talk and joke around with my officers and my Sgt. And of course exchange funny movie quotes.

All in a day's work people, all in a day's work.

First Day Solo

Okay, so this is it, my first day on my own as a primary dispatcher. Deep breath. So, honestly, I am pretty freaked out. I had youth group pray not only for me, but for all of Scotts Valley last night. Now don’t get me wrong, I have had wonderful training by wonderful trainers, but there always comes that time when the training wheels are removed and it is time to ride solo. Always sketchy at first. I am just hoping that my first few scrapes and bruises aren’t the lasting type, and that I can keep my officers safe and headed home each night. That is my main concern, the rest is skill building, and I know I will make mistakes, I just don’t wanna. :) Everyone has reassured me that I will be “fine” and I actually have an amazing learning environment so that when I do make mistakes I receive far more positive reinforcement than negative, but that still doesn’t change the fact that I want to do well, not only for those who believe I am where I should be, and myself, but I really feel like this job was a gift from God, and so I want to treat it as such and do my best to kick a** at it. The thing I know I have to remember is that since God gave it to me, I don’t really see Him just taking right back, but just like you still study for a test you prayed for help on, I will still put in the effort to do well as a response to my gratitude.

But please, please, please don’t let me be a continuing member of the “Newbie Curse”

****Really Scotts Valley? I mean, really?****
I get in, first day flying solo, and I am settling in with my usual morning duties (tee hee, I said duties), and we get a call in complaining about a panhandler in front of Starbucks. Scotts Valley really doesn’t like panhandlers, despite the fact that they can technically be there, most people here believe that stuff only belongs in Santa Cruz. So of course we dispatch an officer out there, and my Sgt runs the guys info, and BAM!!! The guy has a warrant. My first ever, did I ever get one in training? No. But 45minutes into my first shift I get one. Well, fine. So that was handled. Then while the guys are out with that detail, a juvenile control detail comes up with a kid yelling and throwing crap and refusing to go to school. So then we have a juvenile in protective custody! All within the first hour of the day. Seriously, what the heck? Doesn’t everyone out there know, I am on the desk, let’s not make waves here people! Our unruly juvenile then decided to go to school, so our officers were nice enough to provide transportation – that’s a fun way to arrive at school – in the back of a cop car. Nothing says cool like a guy with a gun opening the door for you. Ha! Oh Scotts Valley, I know you aren’t as exciting and dangerous as places like Oakland, but I do love you for your silly charm. Although I have to say I really hate that you call 911 to report a lost purse. Other than those bursts of retardedness, I am sure we will get along just fine…hopefully…

I like the guns, the guns that go boom

I realized I put up the pictures various places, but never wrote about my experience, and I just know everyone has been dying for a written experience they could read, so because I am so magnanimous, I will oblige. :) As this was my first experience with shooting, I didn't really know what to expect, I just knew I wanted to get out there and do this thing! I knew there was alot to learn regarding gun safety, and how to properly handle a weapon, etc, and no disrespect to anyone who is experienced and skilled with said rules/regulations, but I just wanted someone to place the gun in my hand, tell me where to shoot, and let me go for it. And after a brief introduction to the required and I am sure ultimately appreciated, safety rules, Lt Wilson did exactly what I had wanted, gave us guns, and let us shoot. I found that I shot alot better with the heavier gun, hitting each intended target with the allotted bullets. Those balloons and empty soda bottles didn't have a chance. I felt pretty skilled until I saw the pictures later and realized I was standing closer to the targets than I seemed to remember. We then got to shoot with the rifle with a much longer distance between us and the target, I was told to aim for the numbers within the shapes, however due to the fact that I have impaired vision and had no glasses, I didn't even know there were numbers, so I just aimed for the colors. How did I do? Um, well, let's just remember I shot all the balloons with the other gun! Then of course it was time for shooting the automatic weapon, and by "of course" I mean by working for the PD and having such an encouraging and "willing to train dispatchers with all weapons" Lt, we had access to such a fun weapon. We each took a turn and after each automatic round was shot, the observing dispatchers would all burst into spontaneous applause, not only encouraging the dispatcher with the gun, but also expressing their own giddiness at the experience. Which brings me to what I walked away thinking, which was not only "I like shooting guns, I want to do this again" but also just how great a group the SVPD dispatchers are. Everyone was very encouraging and supportive of each other regardless of the target hitting, or not hitting as the case may be, outcome. Each person was cheered for and rooted on by the others, everyone allowed each other their turn without complaint, and the mood was just overall one of camaraderie and fun. This, I think, was the most significant part of the excursion, just realizing how lucky I am to be a part of such a great team. And of course thinking about how as such a great team, we will one day kick Patrols collective butt at shooting!!!

Ebbs and Flows

Rejection sucks
Loss sucks

Both of which I feel fairly confident anyone would agree with me on. It's hard though because not all rejection and loss is out there for all to see, it isn't always so obvious, thus making it harder to identify and deal with. A relationship doesn't have to end completely for there to be rejection and loss. Both can be experienced with a shift, a change in the relationship dynamic. To go from best to just friends, when someone breaks a trust and you can no longer feel the closeness you once felt, when an unhealthy relationship has ended - despite its unhealthiness, for it to change is to still experience it as loss, someone not needing you as much, not feeling safe with someone anymore, even the hope for a relationship when it doesn't come to fruition - that hope is lost. One of my teachers that I enjoyed most while in school said all change comes with loss, even good changes.

This was a pretty pivotal point for me to realize, not just for my life but of course those that I work with as well in both a counseling and teaching capacity. When change occurs, there is always something lost in order to move onto the next part of the experience. This part of each experience is often overlooked and when good changes occur in life and people don't find them to be as satisfying as they thought they would be, it is often because they miss the fact that they haven't taken the time to acknowledge and process the loss they have experienced.

But I think I have distracted myself. The above point is an important one I think for anyone in their life, not to be overlooked, but what I have been processing lately is the change in several relationships in my life lately, and I have decided it sucks. :p Shifts, changes in dynamic, change in intimacy (no need to get ooky - it just means closeness), changes in direction, etc. Unlike high school, none of these changes are due to any fights or drama, just the natural ebb and flow of life, and the changing needs of people and circumstances. And even though they aren't necessarily done consciously, there is still rejection involved in each of these changes. The changes are not personal attacks, and I know it, but there is still then something of me that is not important enough to keep from the change occuring. The more I write here, the more people I think of that this applies to. And I really don't like it. And I know what I should do about these not so fun feelings...but I have continued to do what I have done with my negative emotions all year...stuff 'em. I have felt nothing really but numbness, so really, I have felt nothing. I tell all the people that I meet with how important knowing, feeling, and processing their emotions is to their recovery, which is so very true, and I continue to struggle to do it myself. I have put so much crap from this year away, I don't really want to think about what would happen if I let it all out. I pity the person nearby when it happens. :) Although if I were to be perfectly honest, it probably won't happen, I have gotten quite good at compartmentalizing, and intellectualizing my emotions. I talk about them, and I talk about what I should be feeling, but I don't actually feel them. It's a neat trick.

Now, don't misunderstand me, I am not writing this as a cry for consolation, merely just as a means to process and be honest with myself and identifying several relationships in my mind that I need to process the changes and areas of loss. I know this is all part of life, it just is one of those not fun parts.

Oh these Yutes...

Since I am finally starting to emerge from the fog of total immersion job training, I find my brain is able to start thinking about things other than KLI289, license plates, radio verbiage, 10851s, what the H&S5411 code means (ask if you wanna know), how many banks and coffee shops there are in Scotts Valley(the knowledge of the latter I am intimately acquainted with), and so on and so forth. However, this freeing up of some of my headspace is a mixed blessing as it allows me to pontificate on things that I can't just turn to my services manual and get answers for.

I have of late been struggling with the idea of ineffectuality and my lack of ability to hold the hand of and provide step by step help for my youth group. This idea and struggle is not new, not only to me, but also to I believe most people who serve in any type of ministry. However, it is the most current struggle for me as several of my youth are struggling with simply living their day to day life. I would love to take a sweeping look at the group as a whole and just say, "overall I think everything is going good, they will be fine, they are doing just fine" but that would be to foolishly ignore each of them as individuals.


There is my iceberg - she reveals only the tiniest bit of herself to me and the world as a whole, but underneath the surface there is much of herself that she works very hard to hide. She talks about some of the struggles she is going through and some of her secrets, but I know that for each thing she shares there are ten more she doesn't and those are what are going to eat away at her from the inside out. I want to take that pain and that struggle away from her, I want to help her ease that burden that she carries, but I can only help her as much as she lets me. I love her sense of humor and the wisdom beyond her age that she doesn't even know she has.



There is one who on the outside appears to not really have all that much going on in her life outside of school and sports, but when you dig just a little, the sheer amount of stress, anxiety and pressure to perform perfectly to the point of complete and total exhaustion are right there under the surface. She is struggling to try and find herself in this world but can't because she has so many other people telling her who she should be, not to even figure out who she wants to be. I want to just take her out and give her a moment without that stress, without having to perform, but how can I when to spend a few hours with her would only put her more behind in her work and add more stress to her life? I love her randomness and her adaptability.

The one who is beginning to learn what it is really like to be an adult in this funky world. That being an adult actually sucks sometimes when there isn't enough money, not enough hours to work enough to make enough, that being 18 doesn't mean that there is an instant understanding of how the world works, that wisdom is something that (hopefully) comes with age. There is something bigger for her out there, and I desperately hope that life doesn't bog her down and exhaust her before she finds it. I love her energy, faith, and positive outlook on life no matter what happens.

And my last girl, off on her own, completely at the mercy of the outside world, its pressures, its temptations, its pitfalls, and of course all of its possibilities as well. I miss her, and am scared for her, not because of who she is, I love who she is, but because I know this world can be a scary place, and I wish I could protect her from any unnecessary pain or struggle in her faith. But what is so great, and one of the things I love about her is that she would see the challenge life is presenting and absolutely rise to meet it, I just want her to know she doesn't have to do it on her own, that she is not alone, that she not only has me of course, but bigger and better than that, she has God to get her through all of it. I love her questioning nature, her compassion, and her desire to do what is right.

And then there are the boys, ah...the boys. Our boys are special as most boys are, and since I do not meet with them one on one, I have less of a glimpse into their thoughts and struggles, but I know that they have them of course. Learning how to be a man of God in this faithless world with its decaying values is enough of a struggle, never mind the added frustration of just figuring out who they are in life in general. I always hope that they will learn to see what God values and take on those values and can go into the world and become the men that we all want to see the girls we love in our lives, fall in love with and be worthy of.

As one speaker that I still hold in very high regard said...our girls need to be Queens and our boys, Kings. I want to have Queens and Kings in my youth group, and I know that no matter what I do, it all comes down to whatever God is going to do in their lives. It can be frustrating feeling that sense of helplessness and that I am not doing enough, but of course knowing that God is ultimately in control also gives me the greatest freedom. I become free to simply enjoy their presence in my life, doing what I can, and knowing that I am not in charge of their futures, but am grateful that God allows me to be a part of their present. I cannot express the amount of joy I get from this group, they keep me laughing, they keep me young, and of course, they keep me praying...I owe them at least that much.

Perfection

My Sunday Afternoon:

My Pumpkin Chai

Perfect Crispy Fall Weather



The Delicious Fresh Smell of Redwoods



A Great Book



The Sound of a Train Whistle in the Distance



In Other Words - Heaven

entitlement

The more time I spend around people, interacting, listening, watching, etc. the more I realize that there is an increasing attitude of entitlement that people carry with them throughout their lives. It of course starts when we are young, and when we can’t get something we want, we declare definitively and often quite loudly “it’s not fair!” thus implying that if things were always fair, we would always get what we want, for the time being I will leave that inherently unwise thought process alone, that’s for another day.

But we often continue this idea that we deserve things in this life, that good things are supposed to come our way because we “deserve it” my question for that is...really? We deserve it? You deserve it? I deserve it? Of course this train of logic often ignores the other half of what we do, the things we deem as bad, we never want to claim we deserve anything related to those behaviors, just the good ones. We reach this fevered pitch defending the idea that we deserve better, that we deserve more, that we don’t deserve what we have, etc. we use this idea of entitlement – that we are somehow owed something in this life – by whom, I am not completely sure, but we use this idea to justify an amazing amount of not only immoral and integrity shattering behaviors and actions, but we continue this amazing sense of entitlement in our relationship with God. We foolishly charge the throne of the King with a list of demands that we feel we have deserved.

This is something I was already thinking about when I started studying the book of Malachi. I came upon the same theme with the Hebrews. They were in exile because they continuously refused to put God first in their lives and so they received the consequences that they had been warned about for generations. In Malachi, some were starting to return to their homeland and were turning God’s covenantal plan for them into a mere formality, something they weren’t even doing all that well even as a formality. Then in the midst of this decidedly backwards behavior they turned to God and asked him where his promises were. The response was not as they had expected;

Malachi 3 “You have wearied the LORD with your words. "How have we wearied him?" you ask. By saying, "All who do evil are good in the eyes of the LORD, and he is pleased with them" or "Where is the God of justice?" "See, I will send my messenger, who will prepare the way before me. Then suddenly the Lord you are seeking will come to his temple; the messenger of the covenant, whom you desire, will come," says the LORD Almighty. 2 But who can endure the day of his coming? Who can stand when he appears? For he will be like a refiner's fire or a launderer's soap. 3 He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; he will purify the Levites and refine them like gold and silver. Then the LORD will have men who will bring offerings in righteousness, 4 and the offerings of Judah and Jerusalem will be acceptable to the LORD, as in days gone by, as in former years. 5 "So I will come near to you for judgment. I will be quick to testify against sorcerers, adulterers and perjurers, against those who defraud laborers of their wages, who oppress the widows and the fatherless, and deprive aliens of justice, but do not fear me," says the LORD Almighty."

The Israelites felt as though they were doing their part (with a rather large helping of denial) and so where was God in doing his? They turned to God and said “hey, we went through all this suffering that you put us through by the way, we deserve to see some justice, we deserve your attention” and God turned around and said, “oh I’ll give you my attention…” and then even goes on to say “I the LORD do not change. So you, O descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed” he is reminding them that they are lucky he is so faithful because they are so faithless. In the book of Malachi the people continue to push God and wonder why they are not getting that they think they deserve not realizing that God in his infinite mercy is keeping them from what they really deserve.

Which is exactly the point, Psalm 103 says, “The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. 9 He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; 10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities”

Because he loves us so deeply God doesn’t treat us the way we deserve, we as humans, because of our inherently selfish nature deserve only one thing, death, it’s harsh, it’s a heavy thought but it is after all, what we all deserve. It is the sin in our lives that is so ingrained in the human experience that it taints everything we do and see. Sin lurks in the background everywhere, taking even our most beautiful accomplishments and marking them, the sin that leads to death.

This idea is throughout Paul’s writings in the book of Romans
Romans 6:23For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord
Romans 7:5For when we were controlled by the sinful nature, the sinful passions aroused by the law were at work in our bodies, so that we bore fruit for death
Romans 8:6The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace

There are many more, but I think I have already gone on too long. This idea of entitlement, of getting what we deserve, it’s a broken, delusional idea that has been happening since humans have been around, and I have no doubt that it will continue. I don’t think a popular saying that most of us know now was known by the Israelites but I think they certainly could have been forewarned had they known it, and I think it is something that in light of their hard learned lesson, we can also consider ourselves warned, “be careful what you wish for because you just might get it” Lucky for us, God isn’t dictated to by human adages and sayings, and I for one am filled with gratitude for that. Just something I have been thinking about...

Nothing Deep

No real deep thoughts to add, I haven't had the time for any of those! But I know I am remiss in keeping this up, but since I started my new job I have definitely been struggling to do all the things I was able to do before when I could play on the internet all during my work day. Those days are definitely gone! But...I am so very happy at my new job, I just wanted to share that experience at this point.

It has been two full weeks and I am loving it! I have a great trainer, who is actually my age and we get along pretty well I would say, he is a lot of fun and really relaxed, and also has the same sense of humor so I enjoy my time with him. He is also a great trainer and I have learned so much in the last two weeks. I am just wondering when my brain is going to run out of room cause I am just putting in more and more information! He also is really cool about letting me try stuff, on my second day he had me on the radio doing our signoff, and he has really let me, mmm, for lack of a less cheesy phrase, spread my wings the last two weeks. My other trainer is also really great, she has been there about 10 years or so and my supervisor is also awesome. And everyone there has varying degrees of OCD, remarkably I might be the least OCD out of all of them! So me and all my compulsive routines fit in there perfectly!

I am running about a week ahead of schedule in my training, which is cool, and I passed my last two Phase tests with 92 and 97 %s, I do tons of reading and quite a bit of memorizing outside of work, this job truly is the challenge I was needing to keep my brain from turning to mush. Next week we have our annual inspection, so the last few days have been just doing alot of cleaning and busywork, like me putting up all the traffic collisions that happened over an 18 month period with little tiny colored pins. Yes, it was as exciting as it sounds. :p But after inspections, I should get more time on the radio practicing my License Plate checks, and running driver's licenses, etc. They sent me home with a radio scanner so I can listen while I am at home and last night we heard someone get stopped with an open warrant! Yep, these things happen even in lil ol' Scotts Valley. :) But for the most part, it is fairly quiet, small town stuff, nothing like other cities I know, but really I am fine with that, especially for now while I am learning. I have been exhausted at the end of every day and still have lots to do, so other things have been falling by the wayside, sadly mostly my personal contacts with people, but I am hoping as I get the hang of things that it will all balance out. Next week I work 60 hours which will be interesting, my brain might turn into mush for a completely different reason!

I feel like I have been at this job forever, and it has only been two weeks (in a good way of course), so I feel like it truly is the fit I thought it would be, and am excited to keep pushing and keep getting better!

oh and I don't know if it is just coincidence or not, but the arrival of the Pumpkin Spice Latte coincided with the starting of my new job, so my outlook just may be rosier because of it! I love me my PSLs!!!!! :) So with the drink, the fall weather and the new job going so well, I am sitting pretty fat and happy!!

Changes

Friday was my last day at my old job. Tomorrow is the first day of my new job as Emergency Dispatcher/Clerk I for the Scotts Valley Police Department. I have such a mix of feelings about all of it. Mostly good, starting this job has been a 7 month process, filled with a pretty significant moment of dissapoinment along the way. But mostly it is all good, excited feelings! I am excited for all the new things I will learn, I am so excited for the challenge (I have really been suffering for lack of one lately), I am excited to be a part of something bigger than me, I am excited to have new coworkers that will present entirely new situations (I am sure this one might get old fast, but hopefully not!), I am excited to prove myself - that I am the one that they should have hired first, and that I am the right choice now, I am excited to settle into a job and stay there for a long time getting better at it, and improving myself as I go. I am excited for the changes it will make in my life, and I won't pretend, I am excited about the steady paycheck. :)

But I am also nervous of course, I don't want to fail at this. Each time I have been there in the office, or interacted with my new future coworkers, or told others about this job, I have felt a weird sort of thing, like this is just a good fit. That I will fit the job and it will fit me. I have had others tell me the same thing; so there is the fear of being wrong about that, and dissapointing all of those who believe in me in this job. Even with this little bit of anxiety, honestly, this isn't much of my current state of mind, but it is a niggling thing in the back of my mind, but even with this, I know that this last 7 months of trying to get this job has been guided very much by God. His hand has been in it, even when I didn't get it originally. When I found out I had said, "well the perfect scenario would be that I get a call at the end of the summer, after Mexico, after everything else" and weird how that actually happened! By weird, I of course mean, how Divine. So because I know that there was Divinity involved, there isn't much I need to fear. And there is much for me to be excited about.

Now I just need to figure out how to memorize every street in Scotts Valley...oh yeah, and I need to figure out how to get up so much earlier every day and go from a 4 hour work day to an 8-12 hour work day!!! :)

Home

Today my grandpa Charlie died.

But that isn't entirely right - that sounds too human, too final, too stony. I will try this again.

Today my grandpa Charlie went home. Today my grandpa Charlie was made complete, the hole that we all feel here on earth, the piece that is missing - the piece that causes the struggle and pain - that piece has been filled for my grandpa. He is now whole. My heart fills with emotion, not of sadness or grief for him but of the joy of knowing that he is in the actual presence of God.

The song I Can Only Imagine has always been meaningful to me because, unlike some, I do not fear my death. I long for the day I can be complete (in a not morbid way) and when I can go home and finally rest. This is the song:

I Can Only Imagine
I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me I can only imagine
I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever Forever worship You
I can only imagine

We here on this earth can only imagine, and right now, this very moment, this is in fact what my grandpa is doing. Standing in the Son. What triumph, what completion, what joy.

I will not attempt to rewrite what has already been written about life and death and the meaning of it all. So many have already done it far better than I ever could. Paul is one of those that I immediately thought of:

2 Timothy: 4:6For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. 7I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 8Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.

Romans 8:The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. 17Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. 18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.


There is of course always those that are left behind when people we love go home. We continue on our journey because we have more to do before we are called. This is where I do not have all the answers for what to do, or how to make it easier. My hope and my comfort is in the promises that we have in Christ, for what our final point in our journey will bring us. God has made us humans able to withstand more than we ever think we are able, with His help of course. So the only thing I know to do then for those who are still awaiting the call home is to wait in and trust in God's ultimate desire to have us home with Him, and that He wants only the best for us, and that best is Him.

In every painful moment there are always slivers of hope, of good, of a gift. In this painful moment of my grandpa's death, God gave us many gifts. Amy and Glenn were able to visit two weeks ago and spend time with grandpa before he died, Jeff and I were able to see him on Sunday, my mom was still in California and has been able to be by my grandma's side this whole time, Charlie's daughter was in Livermore when it happened and thus able to be there immediately, my grandma had just placed him in a hospice care hospital - so she did not have to handle his death at home, and I am sure the list could go on. We received grace and mercy even in a moment of sadness. Death is an inevitability for all of us, but our passage and circumstances are not - I am grateful that both were gifts of God's mercy in this situation.

Another song I really like and of course has taken on new meaning:

Your Long Journey (Robert Plant and Allison Krauss)

God's given us years of happiness here
Now we must part
And as the angels come and call for you
The pains of grief tug at my heart

Oh my darling
My darling
My heart breaks as you take your long journey

Oh the days will be empty
The nights so long without you my love
And when God calls for you I'm left alone
But we will meet in heaven above

Oh my darling
My darling
My heart breaks as you take your long journey
Fond memories I'll keep of happy ways
That on earth we trod
And when I come we will walk hand in hand
As one in heaven in the family of God

Oh my darling
My darling
My heart breaks as you take your long journey


I will miss my grandpa, I love him, and I look forward to one day being reunited. Another gift from our loving God.

The message and the messenger

Some of you may have heard about the recent fire bombings of some of the faculty up at UCSC by the animal rights activists. They actually went to the home of one of the faculty while he and his family were inside of it and firebombed the outside of it. When I heard about it, I couldn’t help but think, how stupid are those activists? By becoming violent in such a way, they have now effectively turned people off from their message. Rather than us thinking, “what a great message, we should be doing something” we now view the activists as the perpetrators and those they attacked as the victims. Because of their actions, the message of the activists becomes null and void.

And in a completely separate, but oddly connected thing, my friend recently has been going through a really hard time in her life, and someone close to her who doesn’t have a clear personal relationship with Jesus threw out some Biblical platitudes at her in an attempt to somehow comfort her, or give her some hope, but instead it only infuriated her, and made her feel more alone. Not because the things he said were untrue, they weren’t, they were Scriptural. But because of the person who told them to her. Once again, because of that person’s action, their message was lost despite the power and truth of the original message.

Which of course then made me think, how often do I do that? How often is my message tuned out, or am I ignored not because I am not speaking truth, but because of the actions and priorities in my life?

Paul says in Philippians, “1:27Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in one spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel”

And again in Ephesians “1As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”
And then again in Thessalonians “10on the day he comes to be glorified in his holy people and to be marveled at among all those who have believed. This includes you, because you believed our testimony to you. 11With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith. 12We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.”

I know I am often not living in a manner worthy of my calling as a follower of Christ, so what happens then when I try and communicate the message of Truth but am not living in a way that reflects my belief and commitment to that same Truth? Now we are talking about my actions having an eternal impact on not just myself but those I am trying to reach. That really really damages my denial infrastructure that my actions really only affect myself.

Lucky for us, God is bigger than us and our actions, and His Truth can and will still be heard, despite our best efforts to evidence the contrary. But whatever way we slice it, especially if we try to use that logic to reason out that we can behave however we want and have it not affect anything or anyone else’s faith, God still uses us as messengers of His word, His truth, His comfort, His salvation, and the actions we take effects how our message is received.

A message of chastity is lost when presented by a scantily clad female – despite the truth of her message

A message of sobriety is lost when presented by one who is drunk

A message of peace is lost when trying to communicate it via violence

Or in the case of my friend, the message of the true comfort, hope and peace we have in Christ is lost because it was used as a flippant, convenient way to try and manipulate her into not feeling so badly.

Here’s the catch, I am not worthy of the calling of Christ, and I never will be. But to my complete awe and incomprehension, God realized this and has taken care of that for me, through the sacrifice of Jesus. It is this sacrifice that allows me to have hope in becoming worthy of my calling, it is because of this sacrifice and my desire to have a personal relationship with Christ, I am constantly being pushed towards holiness and trying to allow the truth, His Truth, to take over my life. Because let’s face it, without that, I am nothing.

History

I am sitting here watching the opening of the Olympics, which I am watching because I feel like I should. This is history being made after all. Despite the fact that I am also doing three other things at the same time (as is my way) I am overcome with a feeling of jealousy (as ugly as that word is) and awe for the history of other countries. It is amazing to realize that for example China's history has extends over a period of at least 3000 years. Their art, culture, traditions, military, dances, music, clothing, everything has come from such an extrordinary, rich history. To be able to know that your heritage is so steeped in time, must be overwhelming, and cause an overwhelming sense of pride. I have often loved to see the dances from various cultures, and just thoroughly enjoyed seeing a part of their history in action. Going to Europe, seeing cities that are centuries old, if not even older is just amazing to me. Never mind those cultures that have existed for 5000 or more years. To truly appreciate, and understand that seeming timelessness is simply incomprehensible to me.

Do not think that I do not also have a deep sense of pride in America, my country. But I think we often act as though we have existed for much longer than we have and we fail to learn and take lessons from those that have been around 10-15x longer than we have. We are such a young country, it does make me think about what it will be in 2000 years, when Americans will look back on our time now, look back at the turn of last century, our Gold Rush days, our colonial days, our "western" days and feel an overwhelming sense of history, pride and awe at what we have come through as a country.

I now watch it not because I feel like I have to, but out of amazement for what they are showing. Heck, I am now actually only doing one thing...okay maybe two. :)

My wonderful piece of flair says it all

Today I was chatting with a friend, and she said this line in reference to someone else. But I just really and truly loved it and she made me a little piece of flair. There are just so many people I want to give this little button to, it applies to so many - including of course myself (which is why I am in recovery and work the steps!). There is just such a stigma out there about not seeking help, because of not wanting to appear crazy or sick, or incapable of handling things on our own. But I wish everyone would get into therapy or recovery of some kind. The impact it makes is of course life changing, but it also impacts every relationship we have, every interaction we have, every decision. Unprocessed grief, anger, joy, anxiety, resentments, bitterness, misdirected rationalizations, and defenses, unrealistic expectations, dissapointment, the need for adrenaline, the need for drama, for drugs, for sex, for food (or lack thereof), our futile attempts at control - everything that colors our entire lives can be changed forever by seeking out an impartial observer.

When we try and do things on our own, when we try and work through things without that outside help, it is really only the furthering of our insanity because if we are trying to use our head to get through things - it is in our head that our problems originated!! Why would you rely on the person who made you sick in the first place to make you better?! Misplaced trust perhaps? I know trusting myself to try and figure things out is really just my sickness telling me I have it all under control and that I can fix it. But hello! This is the same brain that convinces me that I am not even sick (see my blog on the shadow side).

Basically, I am just advocating getting outside help for anything, just to have someone else to talk to and I am talking as much to myself as anyone who reads this. Spouses are great, but not impartial, family members - definitely not impartial, friends - they all want you to be happy and may not be the truth givers you need them to be. Hmm, I really didn't mean this to be a treatise on why I think everyone should seek outside help, but there it is. It's how I feel - "For &#$%'s sake, go to therapy" :)

Clicking the Ignore Button

"I have plenty of common sense, I just choose to ignore it" - Calvin

Why do I identify with this statement so much? I read it and knew it was me to the core, and it was said by a made up 5 year old (but I adore Calvin and Hobbes though). My dad would always and forever be telling me to think before I act/speak. Well, let's just say I didn't learn that lesson until much much later in my life, and I really only learned it cause when I forgot to do so, it always bit me in the butt. I would go "ooooohhhhh, that's what my parents were talking about" It would of course be with stupid things like wiping something off of my razor - with my leg - which of course cut my leg. Or blurting out the first thing that came into my head - which has had many disastrous results over the years.

But that is stupid stuff, what happens when I ignore it about important stuff? And why in the world do I choose to ignore it? I really do live the definition of insanity sometimes "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" Maybe this time I can ignore what I know to be true, and still have things work out okay. Silly me, when will I learn? What if for the time being I want to ignore my common sense, and spin? What will happen then? Don't know, but is it bad to admit I am enjoying myself whilst ignoring it? Oopsies if it is! :)

Our Mexican Experience - long!

We arrived in Mexico on the first day, Sunday the 13th about 4 in the afternoon, which afforded us the ability to unpack, go and grab some dinner and just start to prepare ourselves for the week ahead. I can never stress enough how great the Calvary Chapel Training Center is for groups. They are always super clean, all of their rules makes sense (you would be surprised at some places crazy rules). This year they mixed up the food a bit, instead of just beans/eggs/tortillas for breakfast and beans/meat/tortillas for dinner, we had the usual for breakfast, but they definitely stepped up the dinner with things such as pasta, baked chicken, chicken wraps, etc. It was a nice change from the year before, which was great, but variety is nice.

Monday we headed out for our first day of ministry, and got all up to speed on where the Grace Children’s Home (their blog is in my list of blogs on the left) is at in terms of their construction projects, and their successes in achieving their vision. The vision of George and Stacey Palau (the couple that started and runs the home) is amazing. They have so much going on right now in their lives with the children’s home, they run a weekly Bible study for the neighborhood where they also pass out food bags, they are involved in their local church ministries, and the ongoing construction of their new building. And yet, they are also completely determined and focused on moving forward with their vision on building a senior citizen home, and an infant home, as well as creating a backup water and power system for the current home. The Mexican water/power system is unpredictable at best, and when they have 60 people to worry about, backups are a huge priority. They just amaze me in their ability to be completely engaged in their current projects, but to constantly be looking forward as well.

We were assigned a couple of manual labor projects, such as taking down and rebuilding a fence, leveling out a huge pile of dirt, and fixing a whole fleet of bikes that have been broken through use by 40 kids. :) The fences are really important, because down there if you don’t have a proper fence, anything and everything can and will be stolen. GCH had a neighbor who had about 6 cars stolen, including one that they cut in half and drove off with the front half in order to sell for scrap metal. So since GCH has so much construction going on, they are in possession of a lot of rebar, which is a hot commodity, so we set about fixing their fence first. So we split into two groups and one group worked on the fence, and the other joined the kids of the home and began to play.

We discovered one of the best ways of playing with kids, bring a dress up box!! It was an immense hit with the kids, they would spend over an hour just putting on different dresses, shoes, graduation gowns, helmets, badges, boas, and the list goes on. The boys of course figured out that if they wore a graduation gown unzipped and ran, they would billow out like capes. So we had about 6 caped crusaders running around at a time. The girls immediately put on the prom dresses, heels, and grabbed the fans and headed off to play pretend. And the little kids loved those little plastic high heels that cannot be comfortable, but kids always love. So each day we would pull out the dress up box in the morning, and then put it away when it was time for the first craft.

We did two crafts each day, and we spent a lot of time before the trip trying to figure out crafts that would not just simply junk up the home or the kids’ rooms. We wanted them to be fun to do but also useful so the kids made: tote bags (which they were able to use right away on our beach day), pillows with fleece pillow covers, wind chimes, they painted their own Frisbees, made frames, colored velvet treasure boxes, etc. I think they all went pretty well, and I believe several of us still have glitter somewhere on our person. Glitter just never goes away.

One of the biggest joys and testaments to the care and love put into GCH was the kids that were new there last year, and who had been scared, reserved, kept to themselves, didn’t speak to anyone – much less in English, who this year have really bloomed. They have become secure, they feel safe, and cared for, and you can tell, it is so readily apparent in the way they carry themselves not only among the other kids in the home, but with the visiting groups as well. And the leaps and bounds made in all of the kids abilities to speak English was amazing! Not only did it make it a lot easier on us of course, but also these kids will have such a greater opportunity in life if they are fluent in English, so this means a great great start for them at the children’s home.

Our youth also did a couple Bible lessons for the kids this year, which we had not done last year, so that made it fun just cause it was different. One of our youth, Michael, appeared as a shepherd looking for “Woolie” his lost sheep, and had the kids help him look, and then of course told the story of Jesus as our shepherd and how even though He has the 99, he still goes and finds the 1 missing. We also did the story of Jesus calming the seas in which the kids got to make storm noises and spray water on Jeff’s face as he was playing Jesus. And finally, we told the story of Jesus healing the blind man, and we blindfolded all of the kids and had them wander around “in the dark” for a few minutes (don’t worry, the environment was controlled, we didn’t just set them free. :) ) The kids seemed to remember the activities and the lessons connected to them…at least for the days we were there, who knows about the future?! Guess we will just have to trust God to take care of those memories. :)

There were all the same kids this year as there had been last year, which is actually a great thing because that means none of them had to go back to their previous living environments but have been able to truly settle in and feel secure in their time at the home. The kids of course are still, and will forever be dealing with what they have gone through, several of the kids would ask our youth where our parents were, if we still lived with them, and then would ask where theirs were. Heartbreaking of course, but I love that God has provided Grace Children’s Home and the Palau’s in which these kids will be able to see what true love is, real mercy, and what genuine compassion for others means.

We were able to attend the midweek service offered by Calvary Chapel and our group really enjoyed it. It was bilingual which of course made it quite nice for us. But was also a great experience seeing a church figure out how to serve a larger part of their congregation, which seemed to be quite a task for the pastor. He would start to get all revved up, but then have to interrupt his flow every couple of sentences to have it translated. But luckily his translator happened to be as animated and excited as the pastor, so it was enjoyable for everyone to watch. I personally really enjoyed the worship. That part was only in Spanish, but it was amazing hearing God be praised in another language, and I truly just enjoyed listening rather than worrying about how I was sounding or if I was getting the words right. We were also able to attend the Thurs. night Bible study that Stacey and George put on for their neighborhood. We helped watched the kids, and were just there was a support, but I loved the fact that our kids were ready to help out in the evening even though they had just spent the day running around after the kids. Our youth group truly is an amazing bunch of kids, and I love them! :)

Each day was filled with kid time, playing, crafts, bike riding, fence fixing, dirt spreading, piggy back riding, jungle gym climbing, dressing up, cleaning up, picking up (both items and children), and just a great sense of connection and unity. Our group also got to go to the beach each afternoon after we left the children’s home and just enjoyed playing in the waves for about 45 minutes each day. We did also get a beach day with the kids, and luckily this year, everyone wore their sunscreen so we had no serious sunburn issues. Then on Friday after we said goodbye to the kids, our group headed down to the Rosarito marketplace and did some bargaining and bought various items. We then enjoyed dinner at one of the local (and safe) restaurants, and enjoyed truly fresh and delicious Mexican cuisine, and it was hot! Hot! Hot! Definitely local salsa, none of the wimpy Americanized stuff. :)

And of course, much praise and kudos must go to Jeff who drove the 15-passenger van all around Mexico without one problem! There were at times some white knuckles on the steering wheel, but he did a great job, and even pulled a couple of moves that earned him cheers from our youth. They told him he was truly driving like he lived in Mexico, but then we realized, he was really just driving like a Californian. :) So three cheers for Jeff and his great driving skills!

Saturday we headed to the border, and the last two years it has taken us 3 hours each time to cross back into California, but this year…1 hour!!!! We were so happy, and as everyone had their passport, we crossed the border with no problems whatsoever. We arrived home safely Saturday night at about 7:30pm
We had an amazing time, and everyone was safe, no one got sick, and I think kids, both Mexican and American were blessed. I also think that our kids were able to stop for at least 5 days of their lives and just completely focus on people other than their immediate peer group or themselves. Which is something I think everyone needs to do, teenager or not. There was definitely thoughtful reflection at the end of each day about what they were doing and whom they were truly doing it for. I think Jeff’s lesson really wrapped up the week nicely as he talked about the unity of the church. We are all given gifts by God, and used in unity with other believers; we become functioning and fruitful members of the greater body of Christ and the church. Our kids did that; they were able to use their gifts in unity with each other in order to accomplish our mission and goal for ministry.

Gratitude List

1. My incredible and wonderful family who are always supportive and loving and wise
2. My husband who is always willing to make me quesadillas, go along with my crazy ideas, lets me be me, who has the same twisted sense of humor, the guy I want with me at all times so that when someone makes me think of one of our private jokes, he is there to laugh with me.
3. My insanely great friends, some whom I have had for 16 years, some much less but it feels like a lifetime. Ones I can always run to when I need them, ones that make me laugh every time, ones that can get to me like no one else can, ones who understand even my darkest side because they struggle with it too.
4. My three furbabies who are always good for a snug, are so soft, very entertaining, and I love to bury my face in their bellies and just cuddle
5. My home that, while I do not love cleaning it, I love coming home to it
6. Walks on warm summer evenings
7. The fact that no matter how human I am, God still loves me and extends grace
8. My church - it is different, and can be immensely frustrating, but they are genuine in their desire to draw others closer to God, dedicated in their pursuit for honest and nonmanipulative teachings of who God is and what we are to do with that knowledge, and the ability one can have to be totally honest about the shadow self without fear of hypocrisy, but knowing everyone in the church has been there and won't pretend they haven't.
9. My ability to use my knowledge in the field of addiction to hopefully help others struggling
10. My Pilota (my car, I love that thing!)
11. my ability after so much time in pain and barely being able to stand, I am now able to run 5 times a week and even do weights without my joints failing me. Thank you accupuncture and Camille Vardy!
12. Dr. Karen Purcell - no success yet, but lots of kindness, and professionalism, and desire for to us be successful.
13. Reading a really great historical fiction novel
14. My own recovery and the ups and downs, and everything I have learned about God and myself
15. The fact that even though I don't really like the actual city, Livermore still holds a level of comfort for me because of those still living there.
16. Camping!
17. My little goddaughter Scarlett. Holding her makes everything okay again
18. My delicious bed and its down comforter from Switzerland.
19. The fact that the forest and the ocean are only 8 minutes away from me
20. Starbucks. Nuff said. :)
21. Amazing memories - I don't want those to ever go away, wonder how I can work that out
22. Despite my issues with it - the foundation that my old church and youth leader gave me that have propelled me to where I am today in my faith and ministry
23. My weekly dinners with Sara/Kevin and Jenny/Josh
24. My relationships with the kids in my youth group - they can be infuriating at times, but I love those kids
25. Anything that makes me laugh more than just a giggle - who doesn't love a really good laugh?

An Image

I have this image in my head, it is a water balloon almost full of water, too full. And it is sitting under a faucet as one drip at a time falls into the balloon. I can even hear it...drip, drip, drip. The balloon is stretching and getting bigger, beyond what you would think it could, but it continues to expand. At what point will it finally reach its capacity and explode? Which drip will push it to the breaking point? And what will happen once it does? And who gets to clean up the mess when it happens?

Dixie Chicks So Hard

It felt like a given

Something a woman’s born to do

A natural ambition

To see a reflection of me and you

And I’d feel so guilty

If that was a gift I couldn’t give

And could you be happy

If life wasn’t how we pictured it

And sometimes I just want to wait it out

To prove everybody wrong

And I need your help to move on

‘Cause you know it’s so hard

It’s so hard

It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy

It’s so hard when it doesn’t come fast

It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy

So hard

Quien Sabe

As I am gearing up this final week before I go to Mexico with my youth group on our mission trip, it of course brings me back to all of my memories of mission trips of the past. When I think about those that I had gone on when I was in highschool, I realized they are my absolute favoritist memories of my life so far. They were filled with amazing amounts of fun, and just bonding with friends, late night shenanigans, a couple of embarrassing behaviors, and most importantly of course was seeing what God did every single time we were there. I still remember the, for lack of a better word, miracles that we saw happen when supplies that were gone simply appeared, when we forgot newspaper (and for paper mache it is a must) and no one in Mexico gets a newspaper, but lo and behold a neighbor had a bag full of them. And the stories go on and on. There was of course drama - relationship and otherwise, but with a group as big as ours was, that was inevitable. I remember being one of the youth who wished the adults would just loosen up and not worry so much...little did I know I would become one of "those" The last two years I have returned from our mission trips, I believe I have sent an email to Chris Thielen saying thank you, and I am sorry for everything I ever did on those trips!

Because I loved them so much and saw God do so much, it makes me wonder and hope that my kids are now getting the chance for the same good memories. We are such a small group - this year we have only 6 kids, and 5 adults going (quite a ratio!). This works both for and against us, for us because there is basically no drama and certainly no pairing off (although those do work out occasionally ;) but it is hard because when we have one kid who doesn't feel like doing anything or doesn't want to be there anymore, that is a rather large percentage of our group! Much less if a couple of them decide to strike. Our kids are wonderful, don't get me wrong, I love them as if they were my own teens, but teens are teens and sometimes they are grumpy - heck us adults are grumpy sometimes too. Hard to believe, but it's true. So in all the worrying about timing, motivating, organizing, supporting, etc. I sometimes forget to make sure the kids are just having a great time serving, and are learning something about God and about themselves. Not that I really know how to make those a focus more so than we already try. As a group we play a mean game of Apples to Apples, ImagineIf, and Bible Scatagories, and we of course always have a time of Bible Study and reflection, but I guess what I am trying to get at is...am I doing enough to make these trips memories that will last for a lifetime? Will they be able to look back and just have their hearts fill with joy when they remember them as I do now looking back on mine? Because I do love these kids, I don't want to fail them in this.

What's that you say? Trust God? Okay, I think I will. :)

Songs

So when I am driving and listening to my MP3 player, when certain songs come up on the playlist, some of them can immediately take me back to a time/place/person/memory all in an instant. I thought while I was thinking of it, I would make a little list of songs that have important imprints in my life.

1. Always be my Baby - Mariah Carey
2. Always - Bon Jovi
3. No Place that Far - Sara Evans
4. I'm Alright - JoDee Messina
5. It's Your Love - Faith Hill and Tim McGraw
6. Come What May - Moulin Rouge
7. Time of Your Life - Green Day
8. Crash - Dave Matthews Band
9. Cowboy Take Me Away - Dixie Chicks
10. Iris - Goo Goo Dolls
11. Criminal - Fiona Apple
12. Any Indigo Girls song
13. Lightening Crashes - Live
14. Friends - Michael W Smith
15. Breakfast at Tiffanys - Deep Blue Something
16. Knocking on Heaven's Door - Guns and Roses
17. Last Kiss - Pearl Jam
18. Creep - Stone Temple Pilots
19. Kissing You - Desiree
20. Fancy - Reba
21. Wide Open Spaces - Dixie Chicks

I think that's it for now, perhaps I shall think of more as I listen to my MP3 player. I also like the fact that there is more than one of these songs that bring to mind the same person/people/situations. That's the stuff life is made of.

When?

When does it start to get easier? Just a question I have been asking myself lately. Especially since I have had some stuff trigger some old behaviors and thoughts in my own recovery. I start to go down a road that I know will be trouble, but I do it anyway. And then I realize what I am doing, and am shocked that I could be so easily pulled back to my basest of self. I should be past all this, I should be further in my recovery than to fall for such an easy lie that my own issues bring forward. But that's just it isn't it? No matter how far we go in our own recovery, our own health, or our own faith, because we are so very human, we can fall back to our shadow selves so quickly, and get so sucked in; even when you know it every step of the way, you still fight the good and enjoy getting taken in by the shadow.

As I work through my own recovery and issues of control, and obssessing and fixating, and all that "good" stuff that goes with it, I realize more and more that a relapse is always just one breath away, that the frailty of humaness is always waiting for a moment when it can suck me in. Understanding this concept of just how base, how shadowed I still am, makes the freedom that comes from giving it all to my Higher Power and receiving grace that much more sweet.

So when will it get easier? My guess? Never, so I better keep busting my butt and working on my stuff and giving it all over so that my shadow side doesn't win, or even begin to trick me into thinking it is no longer there. Just things I have been thinking about...

Must share - I adore these

I love the LOL cats, but this one is my all time favorite, and I laugh hard every time I look at it, mostly because the cat in the corner is my cat Hercules.

How to be a 14 year old again

So, thanks to a friend's wedding this past weekend, I have discovered how to stay young forever. And as one of those friends has pointed out, we didn't even need the aid of alcohol to figure out these things, perhaps it would be less embarrassing were we completely wasted, cause then we would have an excuse, as it is, these are the ways you can be perpetually 14.

1. Not only notice the hot chick photographer in her white see through pants (she was very tan under there) but then bet with your friends as to whether she is wearing any panties. Awesome fun, and my husband amazingly was the one who figured out that she in fact was wearing a thong. How? I have no idea, because a couple of times her little butt was in my face and I couldn't see it. But leave it to a boy.

2. When said photographer leaves her flash dimmer thing that looks like a silicon boob on your table, pretend to shove it into your dress to cover your boobs like a bra - even better to do when she is standing right behind you. They love it, don't let them tell you otherwise.

3. Completely destroy everything on your table - ie ripping the petals off of the roses that were so beautiful you could cry at the beginning of the night. Place said petals into either the open flame candle, or first extinguish the candle and then dip the roses into the wax. then throw the wax at people at your table. But the best is to throw a handful of petals at someone and shout "Huzzah!!" it really makes the moment special.

4. Make the dirtiest, most suggestive "honeymoon" CD you have ever heard, and then listen to it with your group of friends, commenting on all the fun parts in the song, because let's face it, dirty songs are still fun...and funny.

5. Pose for pictures on various playground equipment - swings, monkey bars, anything goes.

6. Find it infinitely amusing that at certain angles of the table, it looks like you are not wearing any clothing at all - then take pictures proving this fact, and then even better, be very proud of this and make sure everyone knows you were "naked"

7. Laugh at all 420, 69, poop and sex jokes that you are able to come up with. Really, when is this stuff supposed to not be funny anymore? I know it isn't when you have kids - cause I have some friends that shall remain nameless that still find these things amusing. You know who you are.

8. Feel like you have to apologize to those you are with when you want to write a sincere note of congratulations and happiness to those you are there celebrating for/with. Having to declare things to be "serious" and "for real"

9. Find it endlessly amusing that two boys are sharing a double bed and engaging in "pillow talk"- then have a picture sneak attack of this situation

10. Drinking Milkshakes - drinking them all up.

Feel free to use these things in your daily life to feel perpetually young! They work for me!

Whirlie, Swirlie, Twirlie

Okay, so I thought I would give this blogging thing a whirl. I don't know that I have all that much to actually blog about as I have no kids to keep people posted on, but I thought perhaps I might root around in my subconscious for something to post. We shall see what direction this thing takes.