Ebbs and Flows

Rejection sucks
Loss sucks

Both of which I feel fairly confident anyone would agree with me on. It's hard though because not all rejection and loss is out there for all to see, it isn't always so obvious, thus making it harder to identify and deal with. A relationship doesn't have to end completely for there to be rejection and loss. Both can be experienced with a shift, a change in the relationship dynamic. To go from best to just friends, when someone breaks a trust and you can no longer feel the closeness you once felt, when an unhealthy relationship has ended - despite its unhealthiness, for it to change is to still experience it as loss, someone not needing you as much, not feeling safe with someone anymore, even the hope for a relationship when it doesn't come to fruition - that hope is lost. One of my teachers that I enjoyed most while in school said all change comes with loss, even good changes.

This was a pretty pivotal point for me to realize, not just for my life but of course those that I work with as well in both a counseling and teaching capacity. When change occurs, there is always something lost in order to move onto the next part of the experience. This part of each experience is often overlooked and when good changes occur in life and people don't find them to be as satisfying as they thought they would be, it is often because they miss the fact that they haven't taken the time to acknowledge and process the loss they have experienced.

But I think I have distracted myself. The above point is an important one I think for anyone in their life, not to be overlooked, but what I have been processing lately is the change in several relationships in my life lately, and I have decided it sucks. :p Shifts, changes in dynamic, change in intimacy (no need to get ooky - it just means closeness), changes in direction, etc. Unlike high school, none of these changes are due to any fights or drama, just the natural ebb and flow of life, and the changing needs of people and circumstances. And even though they aren't necessarily done consciously, there is still rejection involved in each of these changes. The changes are not personal attacks, and I know it, but there is still then something of me that is not important enough to keep from the change occuring. The more I write here, the more people I think of that this applies to. And I really don't like it. And I know what I should do about these not so fun feelings...but I have continued to do what I have done with my negative emotions all year...stuff 'em. I have felt nothing really but numbness, so really, I have felt nothing. I tell all the people that I meet with how important knowing, feeling, and processing their emotions is to their recovery, which is so very true, and I continue to struggle to do it myself. I have put so much crap from this year away, I don't really want to think about what would happen if I let it all out. I pity the person nearby when it happens. :) Although if I were to be perfectly honest, it probably won't happen, I have gotten quite good at compartmentalizing, and intellectualizing my emotions. I talk about them, and I talk about what I should be feeling, but I don't actually feel them. It's a neat trick.

Now, don't misunderstand me, I am not writing this as a cry for consolation, merely just as a means to process and be honest with myself and identifying several relationships in my mind that I need to process the changes and areas of loss. I know this is all part of life, it just is one of those not fun parts.