Comemuffins

As the movie I am watching comes to an end, I realized that everything was tied up nice and tightly at the end. Every character got resolution, every situation ended not only resolved, but resolved positively. Which, to be honest, I like. I cannot stand it when a movie or a book that I am emotionally involved in doesn't end with everything wrapped up. I hate when there is an ambiguous end, when the characters don't get their comeuppance (or comemuffins according to the Simpsons), or I don't get my resolution.

I think I get so much satisfaction in that because I am so far away from that in my own life, which I think many would agree applies to their lives as well. I have so little control over my life and its outcomes, and what happens to me, that I enjoy when something can be clean and neat and controlled tightly. Life is just too messy to ever expect it to occur like that. Nothing goes the way it is supposed to. Well, I take that back, nothing goes the way I often hope/expect it to. I know there are bigger plans, that there is a bigger picture that I can't see. That knowledge helps a bit with the frustration over my lack of control, but of course as I am human, I forget that and often try to find other ways of either trying to control whatever I can around me (just ask Jeff) or ways of dealing with the feeling of powerlessness.

These things manifest themselves in many different ways, which those who know me have grown accustomed to such as dyeing my hair. I tend to dye my hair when I feel restless or anxious about something that I cannot control, so what can I control? My hair color. There are many other manifestations of my struggles, several of which are significant enough in my life that I needed to begin my own recovery around them beginning about 8 years back. Despite the fact that 8 years may sound like a long time, I am still constantly learning and relearning the idea of powerlessness and the freedom and not the paralyzing fear that it brings. Because if I am truly powerless, then what do I have to worry about? It means that if I have no control, Someone Else must have it, and I can let go and let that Someone Else deal with it. I don't have to have anxiety, I don't have to grasp at things that will only either give me temporary satisfaction or make me feel even worse.

Things I know, and yet continue to struggle with. But I think I am okay with that, it is in the struggle that I grow. It's when I stop struggling with it that I think I am in trouble!