Changes

Friday was my last day at my old job. Tomorrow is the first day of my new job as Emergency Dispatcher/Clerk I for the Scotts Valley Police Department. I have such a mix of feelings about all of it. Mostly good, starting this job has been a 7 month process, filled with a pretty significant moment of dissapoinment along the way. But mostly it is all good, excited feelings! I am excited for all the new things I will learn, I am so excited for the challenge (I have really been suffering for lack of one lately), I am excited to be a part of something bigger than me, I am excited to have new coworkers that will present entirely new situations (I am sure this one might get old fast, but hopefully not!), I am excited to prove myself - that I am the one that they should have hired first, and that I am the right choice now, I am excited to settle into a job and stay there for a long time getting better at it, and improving myself as I go. I am excited for the changes it will make in my life, and I won't pretend, I am excited about the steady paycheck. :)

But I am also nervous of course, I don't want to fail at this. Each time I have been there in the office, or interacted with my new future coworkers, or told others about this job, I have felt a weird sort of thing, like this is just a good fit. That I will fit the job and it will fit me. I have had others tell me the same thing; so there is the fear of being wrong about that, and dissapointing all of those who believe in me in this job. Even with this little bit of anxiety, honestly, this isn't much of my current state of mind, but it is a niggling thing in the back of my mind, but even with this, I know that this last 7 months of trying to get this job has been guided very much by God. His hand has been in it, even when I didn't get it originally. When I found out I had said, "well the perfect scenario would be that I get a call at the end of the summer, after Mexico, after everything else" and weird how that actually happened! By weird, I of course mean, how Divine. So because I know that there was Divinity involved, there isn't much I need to fear. And there is much for me to be excited about.

Now I just need to figure out how to memorize every street in Scotts Valley...oh yeah, and I need to figure out how to get up so much earlier every day and go from a 4 hour work day to an 8-12 hour work day!!! :)

Home

Today my grandpa Charlie died.

But that isn't entirely right - that sounds too human, too final, too stony. I will try this again.

Today my grandpa Charlie went home. Today my grandpa Charlie was made complete, the hole that we all feel here on earth, the piece that is missing - the piece that causes the struggle and pain - that piece has been filled for my grandpa. He is now whole. My heart fills with emotion, not of sadness or grief for him but of the joy of knowing that he is in the actual presence of God.

The song I Can Only Imagine has always been meaningful to me because, unlike some, I do not fear my death. I long for the day I can be complete (in a not morbid way) and when I can go home and finally rest. This is the song:

I Can Only Imagine
I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me I can only imagine
I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever Forever worship You
I can only imagine

We here on this earth can only imagine, and right now, this very moment, this is in fact what my grandpa is doing. Standing in the Son. What triumph, what completion, what joy.

I will not attempt to rewrite what has already been written about life and death and the meaning of it all. So many have already done it far better than I ever could. Paul is one of those that I immediately thought of:

2 Timothy: 4:6For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. 7I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 8Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.

Romans 8:The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. 17Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. 18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.


There is of course always those that are left behind when people we love go home. We continue on our journey because we have more to do before we are called. This is where I do not have all the answers for what to do, or how to make it easier. My hope and my comfort is in the promises that we have in Christ, for what our final point in our journey will bring us. God has made us humans able to withstand more than we ever think we are able, with His help of course. So the only thing I know to do then for those who are still awaiting the call home is to wait in and trust in God's ultimate desire to have us home with Him, and that He wants only the best for us, and that best is Him.

In every painful moment there are always slivers of hope, of good, of a gift. In this painful moment of my grandpa's death, God gave us many gifts. Amy and Glenn were able to visit two weeks ago and spend time with grandpa before he died, Jeff and I were able to see him on Sunday, my mom was still in California and has been able to be by my grandma's side this whole time, Charlie's daughter was in Livermore when it happened and thus able to be there immediately, my grandma had just placed him in a hospice care hospital - so she did not have to handle his death at home, and I am sure the list could go on. We received grace and mercy even in a moment of sadness. Death is an inevitability for all of us, but our passage and circumstances are not - I am grateful that both were gifts of God's mercy in this situation.

Another song I really like and of course has taken on new meaning:

Your Long Journey (Robert Plant and Allison Krauss)

God's given us years of happiness here
Now we must part
And as the angels come and call for you
The pains of grief tug at my heart

Oh my darling
My darling
My heart breaks as you take your long journey

Oh the days will be empty
The nights so long without you my love
And when God calls for you I'm left alone
But we will meet in heaven above

Oh my darling
My darling
My heart breaks as you take your long journey
Fond memories I'll keep of happy ways
That on earth we trod
And when I come we will walk hand in hand
As one in heaven in the family of God

Oh my darling
My darling
My heart breaks as you take your long journey


I will miss my grandpa, I love him, and I look forward to one day being reunited. Another gift from our loving God.

The message and the messenger

Some of you may have heard about the recent fire bombings of some of the faculty up at UCSC by the animal rights activists. They actually went to the home of one of the faculty while he and his family were inside of it and firebombed the outside of it. When I heard about it, I couldn’t help but think, how stupid are those activists? By becoming violent in such a way, they have now effectively turned people off from their message. Rather than us thinking, “what a great message, we should be doing something” we now view the activists as the perpetrators and those they attacked as the victims. Because of their actions, the message of the activists becomes null and void.

And in a completely separate, but oddly connected thing, my friend recently has been going through a really hard time in her life, and someone close to her who doesn’t have a clear personal relationship with Jesus threw out some Biblical platitudes at her in an attempt to somehow comfort her, or give her some hope, but instead it only infuriated her, and made her feel more alone. Not because the things he said were untrue, they weren’t, they were Scriptural. But because of the person who told them to her. Once again, because of that person’s action, their message was lost despite the power and truth of the original message.

Which of course then made me think, how often do I do that? How often is my message tuned out, or am I ignored not because I am not speaking truth, but because of the actions and priorities in my life?

Paul says in Philippians, “1:27Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in one spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel”

And again in Ephesians “1As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”
And then again in Thessalonians “10on the day he comes to be glorified in his holy people and to be marveled at among all those who have believed. This includes you, because you believed our testimony to you. 11With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith. 12We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.”

I know I am often not living in a manner worthy of my calling as a follower of Christ, so what happens then when I try and communicate the message of Truth but am not living in a way that reflects my belief and commitment to that same Truth? Now we are talking about my actions having an eternal impact on not just myself but those I am trying to reach. That really really damages my denial infrastructure that my actions really only affect myself.

Lucky for us, God is bigger than us and our actions, and His Truth can and will still be heard, despite our best efforts to evidence the contrary. But whatever way we slice it, especially if we try to use that logic to reason out that we can behave however we want and have it not affect anything or anyone else’s faith, God still uses us as messengers of His word, His truth, His comfort, His salvation, and the actions we take effects how our message is received.

A message of chastity is lost when presented by a scantily clad female – despite the truth of her message

A message of sobriety is lost when presented by one who is drunk

A message of peace is lost when trying to communicate it via violence

Or in the case of my friend, the message of the true comfort, hope and peace we have in Christ is lost because it was used as a flippant, convenient way to try and manipulate her into not feeling so badly.

Here’s the catch, I am not worthy of the calling of Christ, and I never will be. But to my complete awe and incomprehension, God realized this and has taken care of that for me, through the sacrifice of Jesus. It is this sacrifice that allows me to have hope in becoming worthy of my calling, it is because of this sacrifice and my desire to have a personal relationship with Christ, I am constantly being pushed towards holiness and trying to allow the truth, His Truth, to take over my life. Because let’s face it, without that, I am nothing.

History

I am sitting here watching the opening of the Olympics, which I am watching because I feel like I should. This is history being made after all. Despite the fact that I am also doing three other things at the same time (as is my way) I am overcome with a feeling of jealousy (as ugly as that word is) and awe for the history of other countries. It is amazing to realize that for example China's history has extends over a period of at least 3000 years. Their art, culture, traditions, military, dances, music, clothing, everything has come from such an extrordinary, rich history. To be able to know that your heritage is so steeped in time, must be overwhelming, and cause an overwhelming sense of pride. I have often loved to see the dances from various cultures, and just thoroughly enjoyed seeing a part of their history in action. Going to Europe, seeing cities that are centuries old, if not even older is just amazing to me. Never mind those cultures that have existed for 5000 or more years. To truly appreciate, and understand that seeming timelessness is simply incomprehensible to me.

Do not think that I do not also have a deep sense of pride in America, my country. But I think we often act as though we have existed for much longer than we have and we fail to learn and take lessons from those that have been around 10-15x longer than we have. We are such a young country, it does make me think about what it will be in 2000 years, when Americans will look back on our time now, look back at the turn of last century, our Gold Rush days, our colonial days, our "western" days and feel an overwhelming sense of history, pride and awe at what we have come through as a country.

I now watch it not because I feel like I have to, but out of amazement for what they are showing. Heck, I am now actually only doing one thing...okay maybe two. :)

My wonderful piece of flair says it all

Today I was chatting with a friend, and she said this line in reference to someone else. But I just really and truly loved it and she made me a little piece of flair. There are just so many people I want to give this little button to, it applies to so many - including of course myself (which is why I am in recovery and work the steps!). There is just such a stigma out there about not seeking help, because of not wanting to appear crazy or sick, or incapable of handling things on our own. But I wish everyone would get into therapy or recovery of some kind. The impact it makes is of course life changing, but it also impacts every relationship we have, every interaction we have, every decision. Unprocessed grief, anger, joy, anxiety, resentments, bitterness, misdirected rationalizations, and defenses, unrealistic expectations, dissapointment, the need for adrenaline, the need for drama, for drugs, for sex, for food (or lack thereof), our futile attempts at control - everything that colors our entire lives can be changed forever by seeking out an impartial observer.

When we try and do things on our own, when we try and work through things without that outside help, it is really only the furthering of our insanity because if we are trying to use our head to get through things - it is in our head that our problems originated!! Why would you rely on the person who made you sick in the first place to make you better?! Misplaced trust perhaps? I know trusting myself to try and figure things out is really just my sickness telling me I have it all under control and that I can fix it. But hello! This is the same brain that convinces me that I am not even sick (see my blog on the shadow side).

Basically, I am just advocating getting outside help for anything, just to have someone else to talk to and I am talking as much to myself as anyone who reads this. Spouses are great, but not impartial, family members - definitely not impartial, friends - they all want you to be happy and may not be the truth givers you need them to be. Hmm, I really didn't mean this to be a treatise on why I think everyone should seek outside help, but there it is. It's how I feel - "For &#$%'s sake, go to therapy" :)