Off

Ever just have one of those off days? Where you just aren’t comfortable in your own skin? Where you feel like you are just kind of lost? Drifting through the day in a kind of fog not knowing why you feel that way or how to pull yourself out of it, just that it sucks? Right on the verge of breaking down at any given moment? That is my day today, and two days ago. Don’t like ‘em. It makes everything harder, more of a struggle. And right now, I do not need anything else to enhance the struggle.

The best thing to do is of course figure out why I feel like this. I know that everyone has their off days. And sometimes there isn’t a rhyme or reason for them, they just happen. But I feel like there is something behind mine. That a good night’s sleep won’t just make it all better. I think my feeling comes from feeling pulled. The more I think about it, the more that seems to be verified. I feel like I am being pulled in many different directions all at one time. My wants/needs/desires/responsibilities/wishes/duties/hopes/struggles are all pulling at me, and not all of them are necessarily clear to me, so I am not really able to weed through them and discern what I need to do to stop their specific pull.

Being on graves, I feel extremely disconnected from the world in general, and even more so with those in my life that I love and care about. My desire to be there for them and more importantly with them hasn’t changed, but my ability to do so has, and that bothers me quite significantly. Texting and instant messaging them just doesn’t cut it, I can’t provide the support I want to, and my ability to truly engage in their lives is dramatically reduced. This brings me a heavy heart because telling them I wish I could do more and be there for them more is obviously not the same as actually being there and doing more for them. Seems like a random break off of the first part of my post, but I think this issue comes into play with how I am feeling as my friends and family have always been the most important things in my life. Perhaps too I am going through a bit of a grieving process for the loss of my previously existing relationships. Not that I don’t have them anymore, just that they are in transition and are changing due to the necessity of circumstance. And as I have mentioned in previous blog posts any change (even good) still comes with loss. So the massive amount of change all at once I think is perhaps revealing itself in my “offness”

So the healthy response would be to take the time to take it all in, allow myself to experience the loss and the grief, figure out what/if I need to do to bring resolution and then start to let go and look forward to what the changes will bring. Or ask for help from a Higher Power for what the changes will bring.

Ah yes, the healthy response, now the question is…will I do said response? Hmm, I may have to think on that one… :) Knowing the pain of what I would be walking into in order to enact said healthy response makes it hard to take those steps towards it. In time perhaps.

No matter what I choose to do, I am pretty sure that the pull from many different directions will continue, we all experience that in our lives. I think though that the hope is to not let the pull and the struggle that results from so many things actually pull you down. It is the fight to continue on despite the struggle that is important, not necessarily the struggle itself (this is of course not to discount the importance of identifying and addressing the source of the struggle).

Writing all of this out has of course been very helpful, and I feel some of the weight of my offness today has been lifted. The struggle and now the newly realized need to process some grief remains of course so...now I know, but I will defer to GI Joe in this case for some words of wisdom… “and knowing is half the battle*”


*technically I think this is complete BS, knowing is not half the battle, taking action on the knowledge should definitely be a bigger percentage, but I digress and will leave that for another day. :)