Flabbergasted

That is the only word I can use to describe how I feel right now. I was just given the information from someone important to me in my life that someone in their life, essentially hates me. Not just dislikes me, but actually hates me, and in hearing their conversation relayed to me, she is actually hateful towards me. For what you might ask? For being friends with him. She is no one to me, I owe her nothing, no loyalty, no friendship, no support, and certainly no respect. But this bothers me, this chafes. I have to let it go, but the fact that this is just one more person in a long line of frickin' women who feel this way is just mind boggling to me. What is frustrating is hearing how my actions and behaviors that are intended to be presented and taken one way, in a very real and genuine sense (i.e. being nice to her and reaching out to her because I know she is important to my friend) was taken as me "f***in with her" and trying to manipulate her. She saw me trying to arrange to sit next to her to make her feel welcome as a maneuver to keep her from talking to someone else. Because of her insecurities and beliefs that I am out to "get" her man (and every other one out in the world apparently) that I must also be jealous of every interaction she has with my friends (of course this is just her projecting her feelings onto me...hate that). Luckily, while I do suffer with some "self" stuff, I don't suffer to the point of such extreme insecurity and ridiculous thought processes as she does. She said I "break up relationships everywhere" So hurtful, and so untrue, and yet she isn't the first, nor will she be the last I suppose. But as much as I don't want it to, or as much as I try to pretend it doesn't, it really bothers me. Because these women who don't like me, simply don't like me because I am another girl...not because they have taken the time to get to know me, and then decide I am not who they want in their lives. That would make more sense, I am more okay with that. I know I can't make everyone happy and I know not everyone is going to like me, truly I know and accept that. But to have such strong negative feelings towards me without even knowing who I am, what makes me me, that all I am is a threat of some kind, and of course this threat is imagined. It has been every time. I realize now that this has been an issue for quite some time and has created significant amounts of wreckage starting back with my relationship with my brother in law. This of course made me realize even more that this is why I gravitate towards guys, which of course in turn, only adds to the issue. Women are so much drama, and their insecurities only radiate out to affect those around them (this is precluding all of you ladies who are important to me and know you are!). It is such a deeply frustrating issue, and one that is so ridiculous that I am as I stated above, just...flabbergasted that not only does it exist, but that it continues to exist in my life, and continues to plague me. Not simply skirt around the edges of my life and then bounce off in a different direction...but actually plagues me. I just want some peace. Please.

Off

Ever just have one of those off days? Where you just aren’t comfortable in your own skin? Where you feel like you are just kind of lost? Drifting through the day in a kind of fog not knowing why you feel that way or how to pull yourself out of it, just that it sucks? Right on the verge of breaking down at any given moment? That is my day today, and two days ago. Don’t like ‘em. It makes everything harder, more of a struggle. And right now, I do not need anything else to enhance the struggle.

The best thing to do is of course figure out why I feel like this. I know that everyone has their off days. And sometimes there isn’t a rhyme or reason for them, they just happen. But I feel like there is something behind mine. That a good night’s sleep won’t just make it all better. I think my feeling comes from feeling pulled. The more I think about it, the more that seems to be verified. I feel like I am being pulled in many different directions all at one time. My wants/needs/desires/responsibilities/wishes/duties/hopes/struggles are all pulling at me, and not all of them are necessarily clear to me, so I am not really able to weed through them and discern what I need to do to stop their specific pull.

Being on graves, I feel extremely disconnected from the world in general, and even more so with those in my life that I love and care about. My desire to be there for them and more importantly with them hasn’t changed, but my ability to do so has, and that bothers me quite significantly. Texting and instant messaging them just doesn’t cut it, I can’t provide the support I want to, and my ability to truly engage in their lives is dramatically reduced. This brings me a heavy heart because telling them I wish I could do more and be there for them more is obviously not the same as actually being there and doing more for them. Seems like a random break off of the first part of my post, but I think this issue comes into play with how I am feeling as my friends and family have always been the most important things in my life. Perhaps too I am going through a bit of a grieving process for the loss of my previously existing relationships. Not that I don’t have them anymore, just that they are in transition and are changing due to the necessity of circumstance. And as I have mentioned in previous blog posts any change (even good) still comes with loss. So the massive amount of change all at once I think is perhaps revealing itself in my “offness”

So the healthy response would be to take the time to take it all in, allow myself to experience the loss and the grief, figure out what/if I need to do to bring resolution and then start to let go and look forward to what the changes will bring. Or ask for help from a Higher Power for what the changes will bring.

Ah yes, the healthy response, now the question is…will I do said response? Hmm, I may have to think on that one… :) Knowing the pain of what I would be walking into in order to enact said healthy response makes it hard to take those steps towards it. In time perhaps.

No matter what I choose to do, I am pretty sure that the pull from many different directions will continue, we all experience that in our lives. I think though that the hope is to not let the pull and the struggle that results from so many things actually pull you down. It is the fight to continue on despite the struggle that is important, not necessarily the struggle itself (this is of course not to discount the importance of identifying and addressing the source of the struggle).

Writing all of this out has of course been very helpful, and I feel some of the weight of my offness today has been lifted. The struggle and now the newly realized need to process some grief remains of course so...now I know, but I will defer to GI Joe in this case for some words of wisdom… “and knowing is half the battle*”


*technically I think this is complete BS, knowing is not half the battle, taking action on the knowledge should definitely be a bigger percentage, but I digress and will leave that for another day. :)

I just had to share my wonderful couple of hours that I had today thanks to a couple of my boys. I have recently shifted into the nightshift for the entire month of May to cover for the normal dispatcher while she is at Dispatch Academy. I get to take part in that joy later this year. :p Anywho, I am covering her shift and I love the guys on that shift, don't get me wrong. Two of them are my original team and one of them is just one of those people I really connect with, so they are great. But I don't get to see my boys from my shift anymore except in passing during the changing of the guard. So one of my boys, P, called and said he wanted to go out and play tennis with me and W. Now, I was on the tennis team in highschool, but that was 10 frickin years ago, and my skills are more than a bit rusty. I was definitely very concerned about embarrassing the crap out of myself. But it sounded like fun, so we got it all arranged and so today at high noon we met at the local tennis courts.

Then the fun really started. P and me were the only ones there for the first hour. We had a good time rallying back and forth, definitely getting sweaty running around the court. Which technically if you are both good, you shouldn't have to do all that much running if you are just rallying, so our significant level of activity and sweat indicated that perhaps both of us were not as good as we could be. However, we were having a good time, and P assures me that although I am not amazingly skilled nor have the power of a male partner, that he was having fun. And I think I can say with some confidence that we had some pretty good rallying and we each hit some pretty terrible shots as well. Then MM showed up with his complete BS about having never played tennis before and blah blah, and of course basically kicked the crap out of Paul and I. And he was wearing flipflops. And he had his 18month old daughter there that he had to watch. Which was kind of amusing because P seemed to have mentally drawn a target on her because almost every one of his shots almost hit her. Good news is: no one got hurt. Oh wait, I did. Like when a shot of W's bounced off the fence and hit my neck, and when I hit a ball and it bounced funny and hit my own head. That's right folks, I hit my own dang head. Reminds me of the days when I hit my own tennis partner in the back with a tennis ball (sorry Hels!). Which then only reminds me of so many other hilarious moments from LHS tennis. So, so many. But I digress. Then W showed up and despite all his claims to have previously played alot and well, he showed his real skill level. Which was hilariously not great!!! Although he did show improvement as time went on in the day.

There was so much trash talking, bad ball hitting, ridiculous laughing, and some sweet shots thrown in that made it some of the most fun couple of hours I have had in a long time. And so very much needed at this point in my life. I was sweaty, tired, sunburned, and I have a gnarly blister on my thumb, but all of that was totally worth just the pure and simple fun that was had today. And the great thing is that they want to do it again next week! :)