The stuff life is made of

Ahhh, let’s get these blog writing muscles stretched and loosened up. It’s been far too long, and there is quite a good reason for it, but that shall be addressed at a later date. Today, we will be recounting another fabulous trip up north to join the other amazing redheads in the family and just let myself have a good ol time.

Now, the flight up there is never an eventful one, it is a short one, and makes for easy travel. What I found unique in this one was that we somehow managed to arrive in Seattle 30mins early. My question is how do they do that? how are they not just able to do that every time. I get the whole “headwinds” “tailwinds” blah blah blah thing, but that early? Highly suspect if you ask me.

Lucky for me, Nora only lives a few minutes away from the airport, so it was no big deal. She arrived, we embraced, electrons were ignited all around us, which might sound odd to some of you. for those that it does, you are clearly not a ginger, this is a normal occurrence when two gingers make contact. It’s a very special thing, which is why you don’t see a lot of couples that are made up of two gingers. It would almost be too much electricity for all the normies in the world to handle. It would overpower you. back to the story, i arrived and exclaimed at their lush lawn that has really come into its own since I was there last and walked into a home that I am now becoming quite familiar with, and quite comfortable. This could possibly mean a superfluous houseguest in their future, but really, when could I ever be considered superfluous rather than just completely necessary?

And there he was…Uncle Ben. Sitting in all his glory in his gray sweatshirt, and paint stained grey sweatpants. I had actually considered the possibility that they had let a stray in and he was squatting in the home, but then I saw his big goofy grin and I knew, it was the uncle. I was then told the good news, I would not have to sleep on the air mattress this time (which was good news, despite my unadulterated enjoyment of it last time), but I would get to sleep in Zoie’s room. My first thought was, “how nice, they booted Zoie out of her room for me, about time” but then I was informed that she was actually visiting her mom, so the room would be mine for my visit. But the very best part was the fact that my bed was in a nook. That’s right, an actual nook. Which meant it was almost like sleeping in a fort. It was just that good.

On a side note, much to my delight, the weather in Seattle was delightful! It was rainy and cold…perfect! Although having been in Scotts Valley, Livermore and Texas recently, I was assuming that perhaps it was just as hot everywhere else in the world. Cause yes, I am just that egocentric that whatever I am experiencing, everyone else is too. Luckily by divine intervention, I threw in one pair of pants and a sweater. I paused at the idea of wearing only one pair of pants for the weekend, but the sight of Uncle Ben and his homage to high fashion put my fears at ease.

We then enjoyed each other’s company whilst we waited for the third member of the Ginger Trinity to join us. Our butts made cozy imprints in the couch much of the weekend, which was just fine. We were also highly entertained by the energetic, incorrigible, insatiable, unstoppable, unquietable, and extremely intelligent Avery Louise. This child has a mix of fiendish trickery and childish innocence in her face. She certainly cannot be accused of never knowing what she wants. She knows it and she wants it ten minutes before she asks for it (or takes it, as the case may be). There is essentially not a moment of silence that exists while Avery is awake, but thankfully for at least part of the time she is speaking gibberish which means she doesn’t yet need interaction from you while she speaks it, just the usual head nod, and the higher pitched “oh really” and “uh huh” that all of us adults do to little munchkins. There are those moments that are few and far between where she actually climbs into your lap, sits still (for the most part) and lets you snuggle with her, her head tucked under your chin, just at rest for a moment. I was able to get a few of those moments, and they were delightful. She is also very free and easy with her kisses, which is great, but watch out mommy and daddy for when she gets older!

Once our triumvirate was completed, the three of us gals headed out for a bit to eat and a chat. We went to a restaurant that we quite enjoyed, but any boy in the world would have hated. Small but delicious food, perfect for grazing while talking, and good but extremely strong drinks. Despite the strong drinks, there will be no crazy drinking stories to follow, all three ladies conducted themselves as such. Lots of catching up, revisiting some past times, constant turning away of the waiters who wanted to steal the rest of our little food, some light mocking, and the intermittent pause to truly appreciate the piano player with the gentlemanly top hat that for some reason every once in a while would tickle those ivories a little harder than truly necessary. Especially since there were only about 6 of us in the restaurant to absorb the sound. Onto a tasty dessert, and then some pictures to capture the moment. The waitress took a couple of great ones, I then realized I had no memory card in the camera, and all her efforts were in vain. Thus, I put in the card, and proceeded to utilize the self timer and took one perfectly normal picture (as normal as the three of us together can be) and then we took a more appropriate picture. Not appropriate as in what would be considered socially appropriate, just more après pos to our personalities. We then headed home to the boys who were so patiently and anticipatorily awaiting our return. Due to the fact that I had been up for 36 hours with only two hours of sleep, I wished my fellow trouble makers sweet dreams and retreated to my fort where I got to fall asleep to the always wonderful and comforting sounds of the rain outside.

Sunday morning brought more rain, and lower temps, but high spirits. Haha. Cheesy line, but im keeping it. I awoke to the sounds of Avery calling out “mommy, mommy, mom-my, MOM-my, mom-MY, MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY” simply charming. My fort, while cool, did not block out the sounds of an eager child ready to get up and face the day. But that was perfectly okay, she’s my first cousin, we are just 28 years apart, but what does age matter when it comes to family? And she does have just that hint, that touch of red in her hair, just enough to make that special connection that only those with red on the head can know. The family all headed out for breakfast which was enjoyed by all. Although Caroline now knows to not order Huevos Rancheros without the Huevos. We then all piled into the car and took a trip to the local grocer for the makings of Nora’s chili. Both red and white, it was a festival of chili-goodness. I felt very Santa Cruzian running through the parking lot in the rain in my flipflops. Water washing over my barefeet as I slipslapped my way across the puddles. I think the saying goes, You can take a girl out of California…

Once that adventure was completed, back home to make said chili. Nora put me in charge of the cornbread, which really was a magnificent creation of culinary delight. I worked really hard to open the bag, dump the mix into a bowl, add water and stir. But wait! There’s more! I also greased up the baking pan…with a paper towel and butter. It was a good throw back to when I was a kid and my mom used to grease the pans with Crisco. Anyone wonder why I was a chubby kid? Me neither. ;) so I contributed my efforts to the grandness of the meal, which really I felt was more than enough payback for letting me stay there. I mean I made two batches of it! We won’t talk about the fact that for some reason some unknown person turned off the oven without telling me before I put in the second pan, and thus caused confusion in regards to the duration of cooking time needed for batch #2. As culinary magic was being made, Uncle Jere and Grandpa Jon joined the soiree and more family time and catching up were had. Good food, family and my special cornbread, what more could anyone ask for? *sidenote from this Californian – whilst walking outside in the mud/puddles, try not to wear flipflops. Because they do exactly what their name says. They flipped water all up the back of my pants legs. Good times*

There was no question once our meal was completed that the culmination of said meal would occur once we had procured a delectable cupcake from the nearby confectionary merchant. I enjoyed a Key Lime/Coconut. Tasty. More imprinting on the couches, and then we load up once again and head out on the road for a destination about 70mins away. What could this far away destination be you ask? An amusement park? A breathtaking view? The presence of some spiritual being within a cave? If you guess any of these, you would be wrong. It’s okay, happens to the best of us. Well, to you, Im never wrong, but I digress. We were taking Grandpa Jon to his Square Dancing event. Yep. That’s right, Square Dancing. Remember learning how to do some of that in like 4th grade? Yeah me neither, but I was assured I did learn. When you think of Square Dancing, or at least when I do, I think big poofy skirts, guys in jeans and funny printed shirts, doe-si-doeing and looking like a big pile of people all mashed together in the middle of the dance floor. And no shock here, I was right! We went out to this campground that was filled with RVs and everyone migrating to the main building was wearing the poofy skirts, the men matching their ladies with their shirts. You may think, how many people could actually be interested in doing that? And the answer is, apparently a lot. There were about 15 circles (squares?) with 8 people in each one. Plus people sitting on the side. Everyone was having a great time, all smiles, in between each dance there was excited chatter and lots of laughing. But wait! I too could have been a proud owner of one of the skirts and petticoats to poof it out. Sadly I just couldn’t have fit one into my suitcase. Or I would have…for sure… Avery had a great time and wanted to dance with everyone, but the presence of a 2’ little toddler wasn’t very conducive to all the shimmying that was occurring so we sadly had to leave the party. But we left Gramps having a great time, so it wasn’t too hard to tear ourselves away.

Slept the night away soundly once again in my little nook.

The next morning brought another wakening to the burbling of a voice of a little angel. I can say that because I only woke up to her twice. Her parents may have another word for her as they wake up to her every day. We again settled into our imprints and waiting for Caroline’s glowing presence so that we could send me back to California with a proper farewell from the whole fam. And happy day Horia, Caroline’s boy toy came as well. The room was filled with fun, sarcasm, fond insults, and the comfort only people who just click together and cohesively can feel. **that settles it, im moving to Seattle! Oh wait…dang it** we enjoyed the fruits of nora’s labor – not Avery, she was sleeping – but we all piled into her garden and helped pick the veggies that were ready to be made into something tempting and scrumptious and altogether too healthy for my taste. And when I say help pick the veggies, I mean Caroline did. Ben, Horia and I all stood around watching them and made witty remarks about whatever popped into our heads. Which really I think did help, cause who doesn’t love such things? Once the garden had been plucked to Nora’s satisfaction, we all went back in the house and spilled right out into the back yard where we proceeded to take the parting pictures. The usual hilarity ensued, with the results yielding proof of the simple, unadulterated joy I get from being with these crazy kids.

Then the goodbyes and off to the airport to head home. Landed about 25mins early again, and came back to the reality of my life…but for a brief weekend was able to just let go and have fun and feel completely loved and supported and enjoyed. Amazing feeling.

**pictures to come soon**

Some much needed humor

Word of caution, some possible language that may offend, otherwise, read and enjoy!

http://wendiaarons.com/2007/03/as-seen-on-mcsweeneysnet.html

Grafted Branches

In all the hubbub and drama that has been occurring in my life as of late, I am so very happy to get to be able to post about the camping trip I was able to go on with our B side crew. This means everyone that works the second half of the week, both day and nightshift were all able to get together with their families and go camping for a couple of days up at Don Pedro Lake. Everyone left Sunday afternoon, except for me (cause I had to work) and two other people. So we left at 7pm when I got off of work. I swear, camping is supposed to be the simplest type of trip you take, but there is just so much to pack! Although I must admit I am always an overpacker, and I probably could have done just fine with way less. But I do always like to be prepared, cause who knows what you might need?!

We got there in about 3 hours, enjoyed the ride up there despite the fact that I was not driving, I took a little nap to help me with the urge to just push the driver out of the way and take over. I could have gotten us there in 2 hours! :) I enjoyed talking to those I shared the ride up with and once we got there, we found our group and joined in the fun. I must say by the way that getting to the camp site several hours after the others was great because camp and the tents were already set up. Oh yes! That’s the way to do it. so we just had to throw our stuff in the tents and set up our sleeping areas and we were good to just chill with everyone around the fire. All but the three of us had started the fun much earlier in the day and so it was amusing to see them…um, how shall I put this…a little “loose?” okay fine, they were all mostly buzzed if not a little drunk. Since I don’t drink, I am always one of those that gets to just laugh my butt off at those that do. Which I did. Then off to bed…where some more hilarity ensued in our tent. One of our tentmates made sure everyone in the camp knew that his girlfriend doesn’t normally wear pants when she goes to bed. He made sure he told her that at least ten times. It was awesomely hilarious!!

The next morning as is always the way with camping trips, we awoke far too early and thought it was much later than it was. Seriously, always like that with camping trips. So up and out to the campfire and breakfast where I enjoyed the delight of Cinnamon Softee Poppets. See, when I am camping, all my food rules are gone. Basically it is on like Donkey Kong at that point. So donuts for breakfast, chili for lunch, cookies for dinner, smores for dessert, whatever it is all fair game. I discovered the deliciousness of Nutter Butters with peanut butter spread on top with M&Ms on top of that. Oh yes people, do it!

In direct opposition to eating like a pig, it was time to put on the ol’ bathing suit and head out to the boat. We all took turns on the boat as there was about 12-14 of us and only a few could be on the boat, but I got on with the other gingers, Sgt and his lady, and Niki. We got to ride the three person tube, which is awesome because unlike a lot of other tubes, this one doesn’t flip very easily, and trust me Sgt tried his hardest to make it do so. The 30-40mins I spent on that tube going crazy fast and almost tipping basically made the whole trip worth it even if the rest of it had sucked (which it didn’t). I was just laughing the entire time and having pure unadulterated, effortless, stressfree fun. It was amazing! Then we got one of the officers out that is scared of the water, and it was a big step for him to even get into the boat. But thanks to the success of female persuasion, Niki and I were able to get him to get on the tube with promises that he wouldn’t die and that Sgt wouldn’t try and flip him. So he climbed on, got a death grip on the handles and tried to listen to our reassurances that he was okay and that everything would be alright. He did great and I think by the end, even had some fun! At that point we just went back to camp and enjoyed just hanging out, eating (of course) and just enjoying each other’s company. Thanks to the sheer amounts of food I was eating, and that I had to spend the next day in a bathing suit as well, I did make sure to go on a 30min run. And I confirmed something I always knew about myself, I am a gym/treadmill runner, not an outside/elemental runner. Nothing to control my speed, it was hot, there were hills, and I kept breathing in campfire smoke! But whatever, I did it, and I felt good. And I only got made fun of a little bit…

A great night around the campfire and just more relaxing and joking and game playing. Due to the fact that everyone hit it a little strong the night before there was much much less drinking, and thus less amusement for me, but it was still an enjoyable evening. Then on Tuesday friends of one of the officers arrived with their boat and we were able to take both boats and everyone got to go out all at once. The boat I was in didn’t do any “behind the boat” activities, we just tooled around the lake and had a great time doing it. it was an amazing day just relaxing on the boat and hearing stories, and just enjoying the peace of the day.

Essentially I had an amazing and fantastic time and if I could do it every weekend I would. Hands down, I would throw together a bag of stuff and go. I needed it in every way you can need things, and it gave me a chance to be with people that have only ever supported and encouraged me and are a huge part of my life. While camping and boating is always fun, it was the people that made it incredible. I love that I have not a replacement family, but another grafted branch that offers me so much, more than I could have ever hoped for in just “coworkers” We are coming up on shift change which means that teams change again. Sadly several of our B side guys are going to the other side of the week, and normally that just means that you don’t see them for 6 months. But, here is where the stubborn redhead in me will take over. I refuse to lose anyone that I have spent 6 months getting closer to, so we will simply have to make adjustments to our get togethers to make sure that none of our little family is left out of all of them. it won’t be as often perhaps, but there is no just letting go of people for 6 months. This is one member that won’t allow that to happen!

Flabbergasted

That is the only word I can use to describe how I feel right now. I was just given the information from someone important to me in my life that someone in their life, essentially hates me. Not just dislikes me, but actually hates me, and in hearing their conversation relayed to me, she is actually hateful towards me. For what you might ask? For being friends with him. She is no one to me, I owe her nothing, no loyalty, no friendship, no support, and certainly no respect. But this bothers me, this chafes. I have to let it go, but the fact that this is just one more person in a long line of frickin' women who feel this way is just mind boggling to me. What is frustrating is hearing how my actions and behaviors that are intended to be presented and taken one way, in a very real and genuine sense (i.e. being nice to her and reaching out to her because I know she is important to my friend) was taken as me "f***in with her" and trying to manipulate her. She saw me trying to arrange to sit next to her to make her feel welcome as a maneuver to keep her from talking to someone else. Because of her insecurities and beliefs that I am out to "get" her man (and every other one out in the world apparently) that I must also be jealous of every interaction she has with my friends (of course this is just her projecting her feelings onto me...hate that). Luckily, while I do suffer with some "self" stuff, I don't suffer to the point of such extreme insecurity and ridiculous thought processes as she does. She said I "break up relationships everywhere" So hurtful, and so untrue, and yet she isn't the first, nor will she be the last I suppose. But as much as I don't want it to, or as much as I try to pretend it doesn't, it really bothers me. Because these women who don't like me, simply don't like me because I am another girl...not because they have taken the time to get to know me, and then decide I am not who they want in their lives. That would make more sense, I am more okay with that. I know I can't make everyone happy and I know not everyone is going to like me, truly I know and accept that. But to have such strong negative feelings towards me without even knowing who I am, what makes me me, that all I am is a threat of some kind, and of course this threat is imagined. It has been every time. I realize now that this has been an issue for quite some time and has created significant amounts of wreckage starting back with my relationship with my brother in law. This of course made me realize even more that this is why I gravitate towards guys, which of course in turn, only adds to the issue. Women are so much drama, and their insecurities only radiate out to affect those around them (this is precluding all of you ladies who are important to me and know you are!). It is such a deeply frustrating issue, and one that is so ridiculous that I am as I stated above, just...flabbergasted that not only does it exist, but that it continues to exist in my life, and continues to plague me. Not simply skirt around the edges of my life and then bounce off in a different direction...but actually plagues me. I just want some peace. Please.

Off

Ever just have one of those off days? Where you just aren’t comfortable in your own skin? Where you feel like you are just kind of lost? Drifting through the day in a kind of fog not knowing why you feel that way or how to pull yourself out of it, just that it sucks? Right on the verge of breaking down at any given moment? That is my day today, and two days ago. Don’t like ‘em. It makes everything harder, more of a struggle. And right now, I do not need anything else to enhance the struggle.

The best thing to do is of course figure out why I feel like this. I know that everyone has their off days. And sometimes there isn’t a rhyme or reason for them, they just happen. But I feel like there is something behind mine. That a good night’s sleep won’t just make it all better. I think my feeling comes from feeling pulled. The more I think about it, the more that seems to be verified. I feel like I am being pulled in many different directions all at one time. My wants/needs/desires/responsibilities/wishes/duties/hopes/struggles are all pulling at me, and not all of them are necessarily clear to me, so I am not really able to weed through them and discern what I need to do to stop their specific pull.

Being on graves, I feel extremely disconnected from the world in general, and even more so with those in my life that I love and care about. My desire to be there for them and more importantly with them hasn’t changed, but my ability to do so has, and that bothers me quite significantly. Texting and instant messaging them just doesn’t cut it, I can’t provide the support I want to, and my ability to truly engage in their lives is dramatically reduced. This brings me a heavy heart because telling them I wish I could do more and be there for them more is obviously not the same as actually being there and doing more for them. Seems like a random break off of the first part of my post, but I think this issue comes into play with how I am feeling as my friends and family have always been the most important things in my life. Perhaps too I am going through a bit of a grieving process for the loss of my previously existing relationships. Not that I don’t have them anymore, just that they are in transition and are changing due to the necessity of circumstance. And as I have mentioned in previous blog posts any change (even good) still comes with loss. So the massive amount of change all at once I think is perhaps revealing itself in my “offness”

So the healthy response would be to take the time to take it all in, allow myself to experience the loss and the grief, figure out what/if I need to do to bring resolution and then start to let go and look forward to what the changes will bring. Or ask for help from a Higher Power for what the changes will bring.

Ah yes, the healthy response, now the question is…will I do said response? Hmm, I may have to think on that one… :) Knowing the pain of what I would be walking into in order to enact said healthy response makes it hard to take those steps towards it. In time perhaps.

No matter what I choose to do, I am pretty sure that the pull from many different directions will continue, we all experience that in our lives. I think though that the hope is to not let the pull and the struggle that results from so many things actually pull you down. It is the fight to continue on despite the struggle that is important, not necessarily the struggle itself (this is of course not to discount the importance of identifying and addressing the source of the struggle).

Writing all of this out has of course been very helpful, and I feel some of the weight of my offness today has been lifted. The struggle and now the newly realized need to process some grief remains of course so...now I know, but I will defer to GI Joe in this case for some words of wisdom… “and knowing is half the battle*”


*technically I think this is complete BS, knowing is not half the battle, taking action on the knowledge should definitely be a bigger percentage, but I digress and will leave that for another day. :)

I just had to share my wonderful couple of hours that I had today thanks to a couple of my boys. I have recently shifted into the nightshift for the entire month of May to cover for the normal dispatcher while she is at Dispatch Academy. I get to take part in that joy later this year. :p Anywho, I am covering her shift and I love the guys on that shift, don't get me wrong. Two of them are my original team and one of them is just one of those people I really connect with, so they are great. But I don't get to see my boys from my shift anymore except in passing during the changing of the guard. So one of my boys, P, called and said he wanted to go out and play tennis with me and W. Now, I was on the tennis team in highschool, but that was 10 frickin years ago, and my skills are more than a bit rusty. I was definitely very concerned about embarrassing the crap out of myself. But it sounded like fun, so we got it all arranged and so today at high noon we met at the local tennis courts.

Then the fun really started. P and me were the only ones there for the first hour. We had a good time rallying back and forth, definitely getting sweaty running around the court. Which technically if you are both good, you shouldn't have to do all that much running if you are just rallying, so our significant level of activity and sweat indicated that perhaps both of us were not as good as we could be. However, we were having a good time, and P assures me that although I am not amazingly skilled nor have the power of a male partner, that he was having fun. And I think I can say with some confidence that we had some pretty good rallying and we each hit some pretty terrible shots as well. Then MM showed up with his complete BS about having never played tennis before and blah blah, and of course basically kicked the crap out of Paul and I. And he was wearing flipflops. And he had his 18month old daughter there that he had to watch. Which was kind of amusing because P seemed to have mentally drawn a target on her because almost every one of his shots almost hit her. Good news is: no one got hurt. Oh wait, I did. Like when a shot of W's bounced off the fence and hit my neck, and when I hit a ball and it bounced funny and hit my own head. That's right folks, I hit my own dang head. Reminds me of the days when I hit my own tennis partner in the back with a tennis ball (sorry Hels!). Which then only reminds me of so many other hilarious moments from LHS tennis. So, so many. But I digress. Then W showed up and despite all his claims to have previously played alot and well, he showed his real skill level. Which was hilariously not great!!! Although he did show improvement as time went on in the day.

There was so much trash talking, bad ball hitting, ridiculous laughing, and some sweet shots thrown in that made it some of the most fun couple of hours I have had in a long time. And so very much needed at this point in my life. I was sweaty, tired, sunburned, and I have a gnarly blister on my thumb, but all of that was totally worth just the pure and simple fun that was had today. And the great thing is that they want to do it again next week! :)

Little Moments...

When did being an adult become so complicated? When I was younger I had visions of staying up late, eating ice cream for dinner, just getting to do what I wanted without having to worry about much of anything that my parents always seemed to worry about. Life was filled with the possibilities of “Do” instead of the kid filled world of “Don’t” Now I sit here living my adult life and I sometimes find myself standing back, looking at it from a distance and thinking “is this really my life?” it’s not a negative or positive question really, more of a neutral observational question but it makes me pontificaty *and I just made it a word, so don’t even ask* how many of us are where we thought we would be when we were looking forward as kids, as teens, young adults, and heck even when we graduated college. Almost everything about my life is different than what I would have pictured it. Again, not necessarily in a negative way, just different. Did I ever, ever, even think that I would become a dispatcher for a police department? Heck no! But now that I am, I wonder what was I doing with myself before this. I slipped in here so easily and it is such a good fit I wonder why I wasted so much time doing other things. But then I have to look at that train of thought and accept that everything that was done in life, the good and the bad has led me to this point, to get here I had to go through…everything else. Such a strange thought sometimes because that idea gets so big when I really start to consider all the implications of that. It also kind of peeves me to think about that to get here did I really have to go through 2 years at a job that gave me my very first anxiety attack and subsequent anxiety issues? Did I really have to go through not making enough money, dealing with drama, dealing with struggle and pain? And of course the answer is yes, I did. Going through all that is what made me who I am today, that growth was necessary, that struggle, and even the good times were all required to put me here today, and that goes for all the moments in my life, not just the last couple of jobs of course.

A friend of mine was talking about a car accident he was in and how he was within 1 second, and a ½” away from dying in the accident, but instead he walked away unharmed. Seriously shaken up, but essentially unharmed. Which made him think about everything he did that day that led to that moment…that exact moment. When he went to the bathroom, how long it took to get in the car and buckle up, going the exact speed he was going, pausing at a random moment for no real reason, stopping to talk to a friend, all of those moments led up to the one that kept him alive instead of killing him instantly.

This concept works well in recovery too. There is so much that you learn about yourself and how you cope, interact with others, handle emotions, deal with life, learn boundaries, moderation, how to have healthy relationships, the ability to stop before acting, the ability to not only know what your feeling but how to handle it in a healthy way, the list goes on. But to have gotten to this knowledge and understanding and the changes we have made in our lives because of them, we had to go through our darkest moments in our addiction first. We had to hit bottom, and then begin our recovery in order to reach whatever healthiest point we then come to in our lives. It is all process, bummer is that the process is exhausting and can be painful, but your hope always is to reach the other side lighter and with more than you had before.

Remembering all of this is of course the trick. That whatever I am going through now, both good and bad are all part of the process to continue to make me who I am and who I will be. What the future holds for me at this point, I don’t know. I don’t think I have ever had less of a plan for my life than I do now. It’s frustrating as I am such a controlling planner…I mean, organized and efficient ;) In my opinion this lack of knowledge, planning and vision does affect how I feel about what I am doing now. It takes some of the oomph and investment out of what I am currently doing because I don’t know where it is going. This is also a hard thing for me to adjust to and handle because where does that energy go? Right now it is definitely funneled into work, the only thing that I see as a consistent presence in my life (other than those of you who love me and support me, I know this!), which is a very good thing since I like it so much! So on goes my process, my piecing together of moments, all culminating and building to my next moment of discovery, and then it begins all over again. Wait…does it ever stop? Just thinking about that makes me tired, so I won’t…the best way to deal with things. Right? Right? Sigh. Back to work, which is okay cause me likey! :)

Current random thoughts

I love that I have friends that despite going for lengths of time of not much communication just due to life stuff, when we connect again, it is always as though we haven’t ever had more than 5 minutes away from each other. That’s an amazing thing

I love how much music changes things.

I hate how being a girl instantly makes certain things more difficult. Like being friends with guys. It should be able to happen without having to worry about how you are seen, without having to care about how things look. Just getting to be their friend and them yours, without all the BS that seems to come along with it from other people. Boy and Girl don’t matter, being a good friend is what is important, don’t let your issues and insecurities affect my relationships.

I love that place between asleep and awake when I can still hear what is going on around me, but my thoughts are nonsensical and I feel floaty. The best place for that is in a hammock on a warm, breezy, spring day. Or, if that isn’t an option…in my car during my lunch break as I got to experience yesterday!

I love anticipation of good things. It just makes them that much better. Especially when it is something you are looking forward to, the entire experience is then heightened. Love it!

I wish I could be closer to family. Always. Not just in physical proximity either. I feel like I am missing out on so much of the lives of those I most care about due to not only distance but general busyness.

I am constantly learning new things about myself, some of which I am not sure I want to know. Such as how easy it is to get caught up in old thoughts and behaviors despite spending years working on said thoughts and behaviors. How about learning more about how awesome I am? ;)

I love Cadbury Cream Eggs. Nothing else to say there, just deliciousness pooped out by a bunny.

I like my Bath and Body works Cinnamon lip gloss the best cause it adds a sweet cinnamon taste to my coffee drinks.

I get a lot of delight in my first sip of my Starbucks Caramel Macchiato every morning.

I look forward to the weather getting nice so I can go and walk my favorite loop at Henry Cowell.

I thrive on routine (not new information I know, but this just gets reinforced constantly)

While I get compulsive about what I eat, what I read, what I do, what I listen to, what I like/don’t like, and how I do/eat/listen/read those things until I can’t take them anymore, I am happy to say that when I look back on my life that has never occurred with people, those are my constants. And those who have been my constants for so many years (you know who you are), you are right up there with things I consider being the most important things in my life.

I love that I get to work somewhere that I look forward to going to; I know quite well that it is a luxury that not many get to experience.

I love laughing, and I am lucky that I get to laugh a lot, and that there are many people that bring me that wonderful joy.

I am wondering what my next tattoo should be…tee hee

Calvin and Hobbes? Always funny. Always.

I have higher expectations for food than I do for people.

I love physical touch (don’t be dirty people), cuddling, snuggling, hand holding, play fighting, head on the shoulder, hugging, it is all about just being close and having some kind of physical proximity. And since it doesn’t have to be dirty…I feel this way about family, friends, etc and it drives me crazy that I have to be careful about who it is I engage with in this expression of affection because of societal pressures.

Love bantering, sarcasm is my constant companion, it’s all about having the last word, if you can’t make them love you, make them laugh

I love buying things for people. I buy way more for other people than I do for me. It brings me much joy to give gifts.

I hate being bored, really really hate it.

Whenever I try to connect to my emotions in order to be healthy and well rounded, it backfires on me…often. I just may have to rethink this whole being “healthy and in touch” with my emotions.

I think everyone should have people in their lives that just thinking about them for even a second brings a genuine smile to their face. I am lucky enough to have several.

Unexplained Calm

*deep breath in...deep breath out*

I feel...much better lately. Which is a very good thing of course, my only issue with it is I am not exactly sure why I feel better. As my previous post mentioned, I have had the most anxiety the last few weeks that I can remember in my history of having anxiety. I apparently maxed out and then my body/brain decided it was just too dang tired to continue on that path, so they decided to work together and come back down I guess. *shrug* As I mentioned to a friend, I would love to be able to say that it was my mad skills at using all of my recovery and personal tools that I have learned and developed over the years, that would be a not only a great thing, but also a great testimony to the helpfulness of said tools. However, this time, that isn't the case. Not that I didn't attempt to employ everything I knew in aiding me through this, I did. It's just that it didn't really help all that much. But I suppose it goes back to that old saying "don't look a gift horse in the mouth" meaning...don't question it, the worst of it has seemingly passed, and I should just go with it.

Here is where the truly twisted shadow side of me comes out. I kind of miss it. Those who have had to deal with anxiety frequently will most likely understand, but otherwise it is hard to understand why in the world I would miss something that creates so much wreckage in my life. Well, anxiety was helping me as well as hurting me. The adrenaline rush I would get when experiencing the anxiety would make it easier to wake up in the mornings, stay alert through the day, have the energy to workout, give me something to fixate on, think about, divert myself with...and now, I am just tired, almost unmotivated. Biologically this makes perfect sense since I spent the last few weeks dumping my neurochemicals to the point of complete depletion, of course my mind and body are exhausted, it is needing to rebuild its stores of adrenaline, and coping chemicals (our bodies really are amazing and fascinating things). It is more than just being tired of course, it is just that delightfully *tongue-in-cheek* addictive cycle of going from crises to crises to keep us going that is hard to come down off of when things normalize. It is funny because I spent so long without having to even worry about that kind of stuff that to be experiencing it all again only just reiterates my need to always needing to stay on stop of my addictive behaviors and thoughts. And by staying on top of...I of course mean working my Steps around. I am powerless, there is a Power greater than me, and letting it all go to that Higher Power.

And I feel I must take the opportunity to emphasize the fact that besides the odds and ends of my struggles, I am actually doing very well and am very happy with and in my life. I am for the most part content. I have let go of the pressing need that took over much of my life for the past two years (two years this May, so weird), I still love my job despite the odd little annoyances, I have fantastic friends and family that support me and love me, I of course have my endlessly patient husband, my little kitties...the list goes on. So while it helps me very much to deconstruct my thought processes and struggles on here, I know it can at times lend itself to a darker side, but I do believe I gave a disclaimer at the top of my page..."beware" :) I think one of the most significant and important facts through everything is that I am constantly working on what is going on inside of my head. I am not one to wallow, or stew in my stuff. It is always a push, a pressing to move forward and come out on the other side that allows me the freedom to dissect my insane thoughts. I hope that should I ever give off the appearance of wallowing, there will be those in my life that will oh so helpfully nudge (or shove) me along.

I don't need new issues, I have old ones

Isolating has never really been one of my bigger issues. When I am struggling or something, I talk about it with friends, or I compartmentalize it, possibly never to be heard from again. I am far too social for me to consider isolation. Who will I make sarcastic comments to if I am isolating? It’s just not an efficient use of my humor. I have several friends who when they are going through stuff they isolate completely and don’t have any communication outside of the bare minimum with those in their world. I haven’t ever fully understood it until lately. I feel like I am slowly pulling back more and more and going deeper inside of myself. I have had increased anxiety lately and I am not exactly sure why, but I think that in response to it I have truly begun to isolate. It amazes me just how distracting anxiety can be. I am one of those types of people that if I am sitting too long without doing about 8 things at once, then I must be asleep. I am not one to get lost in my thoughts, which comes from the whole compartmentalization thing, if I think about it then I have to process/deal with it. Meh, I’d rather not, thus I tuck it away (and this is a constant struggle to not do this as I know good and well it isn’t a healthy behavior, it’s not always a given). Lately though I have found myself able to pass significant amounts of time just zoning, and doing nothing else. My anxiety will reach a climax and I will almost have to sit there, stare at a wall and just go over everything in my mind to try and diffuse the extra (and often unwelcome) rushes of adrenaline. The other day I was running, which is an awesome anxiety reliever by the way, and normally the only way I get through my run is by reading the whole time. I am able to set page goals for myself, and pass the time that way, (again, can’t ever just do one thing), but the other night I ran my entire run just staring at a point on the wall and thinking about stuff, not reading more than five pages. WTF?! That doesn’t happen to me…ever.

I haven’t talked to people like I normally do; not nearly as much texts, emails, phone calls, never mind personal face to face contact. It isn’t as though I haven’t wanted to, but I feel almost immobilized when I try to. I feel like I have so much going on inside my head but not really knowing what it is that how can I talk to people about what is going on? So I find myself pulling back, and when I do make contact, I feel totally disconnected from who I am talking to. I answer in vague generalities, again, not in an attempt to hide anything or be dishonest, but just because I don’t really know what is going on. Are new things trying to come to the surface to be looked at and dealt with? are old things trying to resurface and I am just not doing a good job of using the tools I have to deal with them? I really don’t know, but what doesn’t help is how sucky I feel as a friend, wife, daughter, sister, sister-in-law, youth leader, church member, counselor…the list of additional reasons to feel guilty just goes on. And what makes me feel better? Not much, I guess. Running helps, I am just lucky that is one thing I am not compulsive about or I might have another problem on my hands. Luckily my inherent laziness and lack of desire to push myself comes into play to balance it out. Talking does help, but therein lies the problem, isolation and sharing don’t really work cohesively. It is weird though, I don’t feel lonely, I don’t feel all alone in this world, I happen to know I have many people who are more than willing to listen and offer anything I need, so it’s not like I feel depressed, alone, sad etc. it is more the absence of any feeling other than anxiety, the complete disconnect that I feel that is causing my isolation problem.

Sigh. So what now? When will it go away? What do I need to do to make it go away? How can I keep it from leading to triggering all my myriad other issues? Well, frick, if I had all these answers I wouldn’t be needing to write this out and try and figure it out! Silly me. So I will keep trying to figure it out, deal with it, and push my way through it. I apologize for those of you who are affected by it, I promise it’s just temporary…at least I hope so.

An Ignored Beginning

Another beginning, another possibility...but this time no phone calls were made, deliberately. Wonder what that means...

Slippery Slope

Having been working for the police department now for about 6 months, I have discovered a slightly disheartening new characteristic about myself. My vocabulary has taken a decidedly sideways turn and I wouldn’t say expanded, but perhaps a better word for it would be downgraded so that words I wouldn’t have ever said before come more readily to my mind and sometimes to my actual speech. It didn’t take long, and we don’t even have that many cops who are superfluous with swearwords in their language, so I can only imagine how bad it would be if I worked somewhere less wholesome than SVPD. It was just something funny to me, but the more I think about it, the more an old and rather simple idea gets reinforced, it is easier to be pulled down than to pull others up. Not the most astounding and revolutionary idea I know, but one that then took me down a trail of thoughts leading me to my faith. It is a struggle to do what is right. It isn’t easy, for me to sit back and rest on the fact that I am a Christian and therefore I automatically know and therefore do the right thing means that I will find myself in some serious trouble. This actually takes work! I struggle with this often I think because I was raised in the church and can’t remember a time when I didn’t believe, so I feel like my faith is so deeply engrained in me, that it is no longer something distinctive, but just part of the background noise of my life. Which makes me wonder, what will happen when something – anything really – comes along that is louder than the “white noise” I have let my faith become? Chances are good I will follow that siren song because it is just so much easier to be pulled down, especially if I have failed to do the work.


Thing is, we don’t like to think of our faith, our recovery, or our relationship with God as work. We want it to be easy, smooth, and effortless. Isn’t that what we are taught faith should be anyway? the word “just” is put in front of everything “just” believe “just” pray “just” do the right thing. Those can all be very difficult to do sometimes.


Amazingly, I actually looked at some Scripture that I thought speaks to the issue. Ephesians 6, The NASB says “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places” 13Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. 14Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and have put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace 16in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17And take the helmet of Salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God


I like the God’s Word translation for the first verse a little better just to illustrate the point a little better: “This is not a wrestling match against a human opponent. We are wrestling with rulers, authorities, the powers who govern this world of darkness, and spiritual forces that control evil in the heavenly world”


Nothing about those verses indicates a laxity, ease, or gentle action. They are strong verses that indicate the need for work, for effort, for preparing for battle! Not exactly the picture of a background faith that I know I have let happen. This is a picture of something active, something that requires, nay (yes I said nay), actually demands the complete absorption of our entire being. You can’t go into battle with only partial investment, you would lose almost instantly. So why would our spiritual lives, which are apparently in a battle with the darkness of this world, be looked at any differently? It is so easy to get caught up in this world and get dragged down by things that appear to be harmless, and things that eat away at our morality and integrity. My example of my change in language is just a minor one compared to some of the darker compromises that we become so much more willing to make when we have relegated our faith to a backdrop rather than at the forefront of our lives. The sad thing is that we usually wait to hit bottom before we decide it’s time to rethink our priorities. I don’t want to have to hit that in my own life before I recognize the need for change, but I also know that relying on myself to motivate myself is insanity, and sometimes I don’t want to make that change, so I can’t trust myself with that decision. It won’t work, so I have to ask and trust that God will help me make not only that choice, but give me the strength and energy to kick into high gear.

Ginger Convention

This is a novella - seriously, but I just wanted to make sure I captured every magical moment...

I arrived on Sunday afternoon to Sea-Tac airport with the graceful fall of delicate snowflakes upon my airplane window. "how delightful!" I thought. As I went to step out of the plane from my first row seat, I saw a blur to my right, an 80+year old man was racing up the aisle from who knows which row and jammed right out as the first one off the plane. I figure if you are that focused and determined, then by all means you deserve to be first off. And when you gotta go, you gotta go. It's just a fact. So, I deplaned and got my bag (no ridiculously stupid mishaps with luggage this year)and I look around for the beloved family members that I am coming to visit, just knowing that in high anticipation of my visit they must have arrived hours early, just waiting for a glimpse of me. I saw no one, so I stood cold and lonely near the door to the outside world which was frickin' freezing (which my husband was so kind to point out that it tends to be that when it's snowing)! After what felt like hours, I went out to the curb and there was the car that I had been waiting for, with the family I had been looking for. My Auntie Nora and my little 1st cousin Avery were there to greet me and get us on our way. Nora of course greeted me with excitement and affection (most everyone does) but Avery was a little wary of me. I wasn't sure why, we had met when she was about 6 weeks old, and had some good times as far as I could remember, but I suppose not good enough because she wasn't sure about my presence on the outset. After a little while she did warm up and gave me a gorgeous smile. She has the biggest eyes and looks just like her momma and Aunt Caroline did when they were babies. I love it. I searched (mostly in vain) for any sign of the blessing that is red hair, maybe as she gets older.

Here she is smilin' for the camera.

We then went to the Calvin Casa and Nora and I got a chance to start our catchups of our lives and we were shortly joined by my (creepy) Uncle Ben. Unkie Benny inherited me as his niece when he married Nora, and what a bonus for him! He is a superb uncle, and quite alot of fun actually. He was a bit unkempt and stinky upon our first contact, apparently cause he played a long, hot and sweaty game of soccer...the day before. um, gross.

Here he is, Uncle Ben...

More talking, more catching up and more laughing. Seriously, whenever I visit these wonderful members of my family, we are essentially laughing from beginning to end. But I digress. We then went out to dinner with Ben's parents along with Zoie (Ben's daughter who is 12, and just delightful, also my cousin!). So, for those of you who know me, know good and well that I am an extremely...let's say...picky eater. So Nora was thrilled with the fact that they got to introduce me to Indian food for the first time in my life. I, on the other hand was a bit apprehensive. Indian food had neither quesadillas nor cereal. But I was pleasantly surprised, I enjoyed myself and the company, and I will even admit, the food. And they had bottomless chai, which was absolutely delicious! Zoie had basically gotten about 4 hours of sleep over the previous 24hrs, so she was a little groggy upon our mealtime. Nora asked her if she remembered me (she's 12, Nora, not 3 jk :) and of course she did, but I more or less received a grunt of welcome. Which is fine, as Jeff is more than willing to share, that's all he gets in the mornings when I don't get much sleep. Wait...scratch that, he gets that every morning, no matter how much I sleep. So, her grunt was no skin off my back. Accepted. At dinner I thought I would try again and asked her what she liked to eat at this particular restaurant. "Stuff" was the answer I got. Which amused me actually, she's 12, no biggie. But then, oh glory me, I remembered I saw her holding a Twilight book in the car. I realized I had the biggest weapon in my arsenal, the love of the book series that most of the tween population considers their Bible. So, I asked her one question about Twilight, and basically for the next hour we discussed the ins and outs and who my first, second, third, and fourth favorite characters were in the book and the movie. I believe our close cousinship has been sealed forever. Thank you Edward and Jacob.

Then it was home to drop off the baby, Benny boy and Zoie, and Nora and I went and met with Auntie Caroline (the third and final redhead in our family currently unless Avery decides to see the light). We met at this great coffee shop that had pages of desserts, and we chose two most wisely and enjoyed them together. The three of us then proceeded to regale each other with tales of our life, leading to more talking and most importantly of all, much laughter, much to the chagrin of the other patrons in the restaurant. Our night drawing to a close, we got up to leave, and I excused myself to go to the restroom and went in and as I was...ahem...using it saw written on the stall "I Love Shannon" so I of course proceeded to take a picture of it, verifying, that yes, I am beloved everywhere. Caroline had also told me that someone wrote "Real Vampires Sparkle" on a stall as an homage of course to Twilight. So I wanted to take a picture of that as well, so basically I creepily hung out in the bathroom waiting for the person in that stall to get out so I could go in (despite the fact that they knew I had already been in there and gone) and take a picture of said scrawl. This of course prolonged my bathroom time, thus leaving Nora and Caroline to assume that I chose to use a public restroom for a more significant bathroom experience. I did assure them however, that was the not the case and I was just taking pictures of the stalls, a much less weird action...maybe...okay, not. Then it was off to the Calvin Casa again so that we could sleep.

The three of us redheads

Normally that is where the story of the day would end, but not on this trip. Nora laid out the air mattress for me to blow up with the electric motor while she got me blankets. So I stand there holding down the button, no biggie right? For a normal person maybe, but I was standing there and I noticed the bed wasn't filling up despite my amazing button pressing. So I asked Nora about it and she discovered that I am, in fact, retarded because the hole at the other end of the bed was still open. Once closed, it filled right up. I have my Masters people, this shouldn't be happening! Then Nora and I wrestled her old backpacking sheet onto the mattress, and then she took great pains and care to make my bed up for me, even tucking under the covers and then dousing, yes dousing and not lightly misting, my bed with linen spray. My bed now not only smells delightful, but is also soaking wet. We are both of course hysterically laughing, so no harm no foul. Off to dreamland I go...

The amazing turn down service I received

The delightful linen spray

The next day held a morning that began with me kicking Nora's butt at boxing on the Wii. I played a Mii character that looked like grandpa Jon (her dad) so I believe that she was able to relieve some childhood anger during the game. But she was still no match for me, who randomly flails my arms and hopes I win. Turns out, that works. A little Mario Kart action and we decide to head to Pike's Place Market, a Seattle tourist favorite. Also a great spot for locals to buy fresh seafood, produce and all the possible accoutrement you may need. Such as the belt buckle I bought for Jeff that says "Open for Business" Clearly a necessity. But first it was a stop at the very first Starbucks. I was home. We got ourselves some delightful drinks and I a commemorative photo so I can one day tell my grandchildren where their grandma's addiction came from.

Here I am. Sad they didn't know my name though.

We then proceeded to enjoy the market, bought some flavored honey - which really, is pretty awesome. Should someone walk around with a jar of honey in their hand with a spoon, we would think they were weird. However, if you put some honey in a plastic stick then you just look like you are enjoying a finer part of life while walking through public places. Zoie had a good time buying various items she deemed as pretty and cool and all the fun 12 year old lingo. All was pretty enjoyable and uneventful, until Zoie bought two pieces of jewelry from one of the local vendors. She came up to me after having made her purchase and I asked her what she bought and she said, "a piece of jade and a leaf" hmmm, a leaf? So I then asked to see said leaf, and she pulled out a delightful, tiny little marijuana charm on a silver chain. Ah, that kind of leaf, just what I suspected. So I then of course proceeded to tell her what it was, and called Nora over to us to confirm (because for some reason Nora is in my mind a consummate professional when it comes to identifying marijuana paraphernalia I suppose). She confirmed it and then took it back to the vendor to explain that Zoie had no idea what she was buying. Luckily, he took it back and let her pick something else out. From there we went and bought some lunch, we went a place that served Pho. Nora was excited to learn I had never had it and that she got to introduce me to yet another food item I had never tried. I actually quite enjoyed it, so she was 2 for 2 at this point. We also stopped and got some super delicious cupcakes for dessert that night. Basically my days had revolved around going from one food or drink item to the next, essentially - the best kind of days! Headed home from there, took a little nap while the baby played in the kitchen with various cleaning fluids...wait, I mean while she also took a nap. Took it easy the rest of the afternoon, which was quite nice. I love getting to go up there and after all the catch up is done, the fun and enjoyment doesn't stop, but we are able to slip into the mode where we can just chill and hang out with each other, which is something I most definitely wish could happen so much more.

Nap Time

Our evening then began as Uncle Jere arrived from Oregon, then Caroline, Grandpa Jon, and Uncle Ben came home and the party started. Nora made us a fabulous meal that would rival Rachel Ray's best, and we all helped her by standing around and talking to each other and playing with the baby of course. We took our jobs as helpers very seriously. It was great having everyone that I never get to see all in one place, just enjoying each others company, making fun of each other (some families hug as a sign of affection, we mock) and generally having a good time. Dinner was enjoyed and cleared and then the night's entertainment truly began. Avery wanted to crawl on the table, and whatever baby wants, baby gets of course (parents and future parents take note). Avery loves to dance and we obliged her by providing her a beat by slapping our hands on the table and she proceeded to dance, and dance, and dance. It was so ridiculously cute and funny that this little 13month old baby had 6 adults in tears and beating a table continuously so she could carry on. I got lots of fun video, which I will include, one even with my Uncle Jere (who is not known to just bust out in random dancing) doing his best to keep up with Avery's grooves.
Avery dancing for us

Letting her do whatever she wants
Helping in the kitchen, obviously

Avery and Uncle Jere

My final evening in Seattle wrapped up with Jelly Belly candy, cheetos puffs, Simpsons, a goodbye to Caroline which included several pictures. One in which I appear to be molesting her, but don't worry, no redheads were harmed in the taking of said pictures. Caroline's boy toy went to take our picture and we all posed as we have all been trained to do, but instead of a flash and a click, it turns out he was taking a little video. So basically we just looked really stupid on the video, but nothing new there. The three of us (and Amy as well) have been looking silly on videos since we were little. Ask me about the jacuzzi video sometime, it's a doozy!

This is being submitted for the Parents of the Year Award. I think they have a good chance

Tuesday morning brought a beautiful dusting of snow on everything and us back to another Starbucks; because Nora really knows how to take care of her guests and we discovered a talent in Avery for eating bananas. It will be a talent that will not be cultivated I am quite sure. We had a delightful time shopping for baby type foods. It was something that had to be very carefully chosen by Nora as apparently Ben tends to enjoy the same foods that Avery does. So we found baby sized options that will deter even Uncle Ben and headed back home. Avery went down for a nappie poo, and we settled into watch the movie Persopolis. Uncle Ben came home early because he used the excuse "I have to see my niece before she leaves for home" I don't believe anyone bothered to ask him just how old his niece was, which I think is for the better. Ben then sent me off with an original song on his guitar. I thoroughly enjoyed it, although from the look on Avery's face in the picture, I don't know if she did...

Basically, I had a super fabulous wonderful awesome amazing time, and I really really really (infiniti) wished I lived closer to this fantastic part of my family. Thank you Auntie Nora, Uncle Ben, Cuz Zoie, and Cuz Avery for your hospitality!! I have so much fun with all of you!!

A nice change of pace

Ever feel like things are so happy and good that you wonder when the rug will get pulled out from under you? I can’t help but feel that way about work at this point. And who really ever gets to say that about their work? That’s one of the problems too, I don’t understand how it can be normal that I enjoy my work so much. And the fact that I actually enjoy all of the people that I work with. some of them, quite a bit actually. Despite my increased efforts over the last ten years to not make any new friends, I have made quite a few here at work. I feel very lucky to have connected to those that I have. One has brought a smile to my face almost since the first few days of my working here. I laugh more than once every single work day, oftentimes, it is much more than that, and full real laughter. Not that polite office laughter, but laughing to the point where my superiors might actually think I am not doing any real work (shhh, don’t tell them, but sometimes I’m not…like now) How do I reconcile this idea of such utter enjoyment at work with the common notions and ideas of what I know work to be. And how janky is it that feeling good about and at my work makes me feel apprehensive rather than just happy. I feel appreciated, I feel challenged, I feel like I belong to something bigger, and that I can only get better from here. It is refreshing to feel this way, hopefully I can just enjoy and not always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Shift Change

This is my last Saturday with my guys. And yes, they are MY guys. I have been with this team almost since I started here at the PD and I have so much fun with them and will miss them very much when the shift change occurs. I will stay on the same work days but have an entirely new team. I am totally fine with the guys I am going to have for the next six months (two of them for the next year), they are all very nice and cool and my new Sgt was a dispatcher for ten years, so it will be a great learning environment. But I will still miss my guys.

They have been, from the very beginning, very supportive and patient while I have been learning the ropes. I have passed many a slow hour just hanging out and talking with my officers and getting to know them alot better. A significant moment of happiness for me was when I went out on my own and no longer had my trainer with me (who is good friends with everyone at the PD as she has been here 12years), the officers still came down to talk to me. Why would that matter? Cause that meant that they were not just putting up with me because they really wanted to talk to my trainer, but when she was gone, they still wanted to come and talk to me. Silly, I know, but it was a nice feeling. They have all also expressed the wish that I was going to continue being their dispatcher upon the shift change. A nice feeling for being so new and unlearned, to know that I am still wanted despite my limitations.

I have had so much fun with these guys. Case in point: today we decided to see who could get the most "meows" on the radio. For those who have seen Super Troopers, it is a running gag that they try to slip in the word "meow" wherever they can without someone noticing it. So that's what we have done today. FYI the game has progressed throughout the day and we are all now tied at 2 meows. We are hoping that we are so smooth that Admin doesn't pick it up and kick our butts for it. Meh. When you want to have fun, you just gotta push it sometimes. :)

My Sgt is someone who gives me more positive than negative feedback, even when pointing out or correcting my mistakes. He says he feels safe out in the field with me as his dispatcher and I just can't ask for more than that. Because I have come to like my guys so much that my goal when they go out on calls is to get them there safe, and get them back home safe. Not that if I didn't like them, I would leave them hanging or anything...just my motivation is that much stronger and more personal.

It has been one of the most hectic and busiest days since I started working here, and I have just had so much fun because of the great team I get to work with. I will be sad upon shift change because of what I am losing. It really is a bummer because when an old teammate goes to the other side of the week, you really don't get to see them. But, as I said before, I do look forward to my team to come, and the fun I can have with them. I just love my job and I feel like my team has simply been the frosting on the cake.

****final tally of meows: me - 4, 11 - 2, 13 - 3. I win!****

Random Chance

That is apparently the technical medical term for why it didn't work AGAIN!!!!

Where to go from here? I am hoping my hens will soon have alot more in common with the shoreline of Alaska. (if you didn't understand that last line of gibberish email me)

Happy Birthday to me!!!

I received a phone call today from my dad singing "Happy Birthday" to me. For those of you who are familiar with my birthday, you are right, it isn't currently April. No, he was singing Happy "you are a Taylor" Birthday. Every year on January 6th, one or the other of us calls the other and sings and celebrates the year that he adopted me as his very own kidling. When I was younger we would celebrate the event with a cake, not the traditional birthday cake but a cornbread cake. Which is interesting when it has frosting on it, I wouldn't necessarily say it was a bad thing, but given the chance now, I would elect to write the message in honey rather than frosting. Sorry mom, but I have developed more refined tastes. :)

We had lots of family traditions as I was growing up; watching the Sunday night Disney specials (most especially Zorro), having popcorn on Friday nights while watching TGIF, going for walks, camping, etc. But one of the most consistent traditions was anytime my sister and I would leave to go somewhere and my dad was around, as we were walking out the door he would say, "remember, you're a Taylor!" We would always laugh, and say "yeah yeah, whatever dad" This continued for as long as I lived there, so much so that a good friend of mine still says it to me on occasion when we hang up from our phone conversations, it made that much of an impression on her. I don't know if my dad had a deeper reason for giving us that reminder each time we left - reminding us that we were representing the family name, not to forget that we belonged to something bigger than ourselves, that we were a part of a family, a general reminder in case we should find ourselves in an identity crises while shopping at Target, or just a silly thing to say when we left each time. No matter the reason, it became a very comforting thing, and was just expected each time our hands hit the doorknob and my dad was in the general vicinity.

Despite the fact that I am no longer a Taylor (by name anyway), it still pops up every now and then. Mostly when a very special friend of mine yells at me, I get it in exclamation form "TAYLOR!" I can hear it right now in my head, crystal clear. So anytime I am "in trouble" with her, I get my old surname thrown at me, but otherwise I carry around now the much more complicated handle - Rybczynski. I believe it is fairly easy to imagine the response I get when people ask me what my maiden name was after I have to spell my current name for them.

But for me, remembering I am a Taylor is much more than my last name. It means that I had someone take me as his own when he didn't have to. I could have been Shannon Chapman daughter of Dawn, and stepdaughter of Greg Taylor. But I wasn't, I was Shannon Taylor, daughter of Dawn and Greg. I was wanted, I was special, and being a Taylor was my proof. I could have had an entirely different life if I hadn't become a Taylor, but God had another plan, and while there were definitely moments of Greg vs Shannon (the years 13-17 were kind of one big fight - it may come as a big shock to many, but I was kinda mouthy) overall I had a wonderful childhood with parents that loved me and taught me much about life, God, and how to handle the ups and downs that come with life.

So while I can't say I have a normal family (who can? I willfully challenge anyone who thinks they do), I have a wonderful family. And even though my mom and I would probably have made it okay, despite her putting Dr. Pepper in my bottles and thinking that was normal, our little two person family was made complete that January 6th so very long ago *sigh* and then I guess made even more complete May 21, 1983 with the addition of Amy, but that's an entirely other story. :)

Because I know mom went and got you and is making you read this: thanks dad for choosing to become my dad in every sense of the word, you are more my dad then could ever have been determined by DNA. I appreciate you more than I can ever communicate in a conversation or a card, you are a very important and significant influence and part of my life. I can't wait until my kids get to have their own fun (at times trying) but overall wonderful experiences with you. They have alot to learn: social blunder, hiccumupdippy stomach flippy, swail foops, squat rocks, we ain't playin' no school girls here, and all those other sayings that will live on forever. I hope to carry on the tradition of remembering who they are, they will of course have to remember that they are a Rybczynski, which is more of a mouthful, but I hope to carry on the spirit of remembering that they are also a Taylor.

Honest to goodness...goodness

In all the schlock and crap out there in the current and recent movie options, it is so rare to find ones that are just amazing. I am watching one now that is just incredible. All three in the series were amazing, but the third one is my favorite. I am of course speaking of Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. It's just damn good movie making.