Comemuffins

As the movie I am watching comes to an end, I realized that everything was tied up nice and tightly at the end. Every character got resolution, every situation ended not only resolved, but resolved positively. Which, to be honest, I like. I cannot stand it when a movie or a book that I am emotionally involved in doesn't end with everything wrapped up. I hate when there is an ambiguous end, when the characters don't get their comeuppance (or comemuffins according to the Simpsons), or I don't get my resolution.

I think I get so much satisfaction in that because I am so far away from that in my own life, which I think many would agree applies to their lives as well. I have so little control over my life and its outcomes, and what happens to me, that I enjoy when something can be clean and neat and controlled tightly. Life is just too messy to ever expect it to occur like that. Nothing goes the way it is supposed to. Well, I take that back, nothing goes the way I often hope/expect it to. I know there are bigger plans, that there is a bigger picture that I can't see. That knowledge helps a bit with the frustration over my lack of control, but of course as I am human, I forget that and often try to find other ways of either trying to control whatever I can around me (just ask Jeff) or ways of dealing with the feeling of powerlessness.

These things manifest themselves in many different ways, which those who know me have grown accustomed to such as dyeing my hair. I tend to dye my hair when I feel restless or anxious about something that I cannot control, so what can I control? My hair color. There are many other manifestations of my struggles, several of which are significant enough in my life that I needed to begin my own recovery around them beginning about 8 years back. Despite the fact that 8 years may sound like a long time, I am still constantly learning and relearning the idea of powerlessness and the freedom and not the paralyzing fear that it brings. Because if I am truly powerless, then what do I have to worry about? It means that if I have no control, Someone Else must have it, and I can let go and let that Someone Else deal with it. I don't have to have anxiety, I don't have to grasp at things that will only either give me temporary satisfaction or make me feel even worse.

Things I know, and yet continue to struggle with. But I think I am okay with that, it is in the struggle that I grow. It's when I stop struggling with it that I think I am in trouble!

Tina you fat lard, come and eat your dinner!

Where else can you get paid to exchange quotes from Napoleon Dynamite on the MDC (it's the PD version of chatting between the patrol car and dispatch) with one of your officers?

That's right, SVPD!

While I would of course love for each and every day to be packed full of activity, I do also enjoy the quieter times when I can talk and joke around with my officers and my Sgt. And of course exchange funny movie quotes.

All in a day's work people, all in a day's work.

First Day Solo

Okay, so this is it, my first day on my own as a primary dispatcher. Deep breath. So, honestly, I am pretty freaked out. I had youth group pray not only for me, but for all of Scotts Valley last night. Now don’t get me wrong, I have had wonderful training by wonderful trainers, but there always comes that time when the training wheels are removed and it is time to ride solo. Always sketchy at first. I am just hoping that my first few scrapes and bruises aren’t the lasting type, and that I can keep my officers safe and headed home each night. That is my main concern, the rest is skill building, and I know I will make mistakes, I just don’t wanna. :) Everyone has reassured me that I will be “fine” and I actually have an amazing learning environment so that when I do make mistakes I receive far more positive reinforcement than negative, but that still doesn’t change the fact that I want to do well, not only for those who believe I am where I should be, and myself, but I really feel like this job was a gift from God, and so I want to treat it as such and do my best to kick a** at it. The thing I know I have to remember is that since God gave it to me, I don’t really see Him just taking right back, but just like you still study for a test you prayed for help on, I will still put in the effort to do well as a response to my gratitude.

But please, please, please don’t let me be a continuing member of the “Newbie Curse”

****Really Scotts Valley? I mean, really?****
I get in, first day flying solo, and I am settling in with my usual morning duties (tee hee, I said duties), and we get a call in complaining about a panhandler in front of Starbucks. Scotts Valley really doesn’t like panhandlers, despite the fact that they can technically be there, most people here believe that stuff only belongs in Santa Cruz. So of course we dispatch an officer out there, and my Sgt runs the guys info, and BAM!!! The guy has a warrant. My first ever, did I ever get one in training? No. But 45minutes into my first shift I get one. Well, fine. So that was handled. Then while the guys are out with that detail, a juvenile control detail comes up with a kid yelling and throwing crap and refusing to go to school. So then we have a juvenile in protective custody! All within the first hour of the day. Seriously, what the heck? Doesn’t everyone out there know, I am on the desk, let’s not make waves here people! Our unruly juvenile then decided to go to school, so our officers were nice enough to provide transportation – that’s a fun way to arrive at school – in the back of a cop car. Nothing says cool like a guy with a gun opening the door for you. Ha! Oh Scotts Valley, I know you aren’t as exciting and dangerous as places like Oakland, but I do love you for your silly charm. Although I have to say I really hate that you call 911 to report a lost purse. Other than those bursts of retardedness, I am sure we will get along just fine…hopefully…

I like the guns, the guns that go boom

I realized I put up the pictures various places, but never wrote about my experience, and I just know everyone has been dying for a written experience they could read, so because I am so magnanimous, I will oblige. :) As this was my first experience with shooting, I didn't really know what to expect, I just knew I wanted to get out there and do this thing! I knew there was alot to learn regarding gun safety, and how to properly handle a weapon, etc, and no disrespect to anyone who is experienced and skilled with said rules/regulations, but I just wanted someone to place the gun in my hand, tell me where to shoot, and let me go for it. And after a brief introduction to the required and I am sure ultimately appreciated, safety rules, Lt Wilson did exactly what I had wanted, gave us guns, and let us shoot. I found that I shot alot better with the heavier gun, hitting each intended target with the allotted bullets. Those balloons and empty soda bottles didn't have a chance. I felt pretty skilled until I saw the pictures later and realized I was standing closer to the targets than I seemed to remember. We then got to shoot with the rifle with a much longer distance between us and the target, I was told to aim for the numbers within the shapes, however due to the fact that I have impaired vision and had no glasses, I didn't even know there were numbers, so I just aimed for the colors. How did I do? Um, well, let's just remember I shot all the balloons with the other gun! Then of course it was time for shooting the automatic weapon, and by "of course" I mean by working for the PD and having such an encouraging and "willing to train dispatchers with all weapons" Lt, we had access to such a fun weapon. We each took a turn and after each automatic round was shot, the observing dispatchers would all burst into spontaneous applause, not only encouraging the dispatcher with the gun, but also expressing their own giddiness at the experience. Which brings me to what I walked away thinking, which was not only "I like shooting guns, I want to do this again" but also just how great a group the SVPD dispatchers are. Everyone was very encouraging and supportive of each other regardless of the target hitting, or not hitting as the case may be, outcome. Each person was cheered for and rooted on by the others, everyone allowed each other their turn without complaint, and the mood was just overall one of camaraderie and fun. This, I think, was the most significant part of the excursion, just realizing how lucky I am to be a part of such a great team. And of course thinking about how as such a great team, we will one day kick Patrols collective butt at shooting!!!