Unexplained Calm

*deep breath in...deep breath out*

I feel...much better lately. Which is a very good thing of course, my only issue with it is I am not exactly sure why I feel better. As my previous post mentioned, I have had the most anxiety the last few weeks that I can remember in my history of having anxiety. I apparently maxed out and then my body/brain decided it was just too dang tired to continue on that path, so they decided to work together and come back down I guess. *shrug* As I mentioned to a friend, I would love to be able to say that it was my mad skills at using all of my recovery and personal tools that I have learned and developed over the years, that would be a not only a great thing, but also a great testimony to the helpfulness of said tools. However, this time, that isn't the case. Not that I didn't attempt to employ everything I knew in aiding me through this, I did. It's just that it didn't really help all that much. But I suppose it goes back to that old saying "don't look a gift horse in the mouth" meaning...don't question it, the worst of it has seemingly passed, and I should just go with it.

Here is where the truly twisted shadow side of me comes out. I kind of miss it. Those who have had to deal with anxiety frequently will most likely understand, but otherwise it is hard to understand why in the world I would miss something that creates so much wreckage in my life. Well, anxiety was helping me as well as hurting me. The adrenaline rush I would get when experiencing the anxiety would make it easier to wake up in the mornings, stay alert through the day, have the energy to workout, give me something to fixate on, think about, divert myself with...and now, I am just tired, almost unmotivated. Biologically this makes perfect sense since I spent the last few weeks dumping my neurochemicals to the point of complete depletion, of course my mind and body are exhausted, it is needing to rebuild its stores of adrenaline, and coping chemicals (our bodies really are amazing and fascinating things). It is more than just being tired of course, it is just that delightfully *tongue-in-cheek* addictive cycle of going from crises to crises to keep us going that is hard to come down off of when things normalize. It is funny because I spent so long without having to even worry about that kind of stuff that to be experiencing it all again only just reiterates my need to always needing to stay on stop of my addictive behaviors and thoughts. And by staying on top of...I of course mean working my Steps around. I am powerless, there is a Power greater than me, and letting it all go to that Higher Power.

And I feel I must take the opportunity to emphasize the fact that besides the odds and ends of my struggles, I am actually doing very well and am very happy with and in my life. I am for the most part content. I have let go of the pressing need that took over much of my life for the past two years (two years this May, so weird), I still love my job despite the odd little annoyances, I have fantastic friends and family that support me and love me, I of course have my endlessly patient husband, my little kitties...the list goes on. So while it helps me very much to deconstruct my thought processes and struggles on here, I know it can at times lend itself to a darker side, but I do believe I gave a disclaimer at the top of my page..."beware" :) I think one of the most significant and important facts through everything is that I am constantly working on what is going on inside of my head. I am not one to wallow, or stew in my stuff. It is always a push, a pressing to move forward and come out on the other side that allows me the freedom to dissect my insane thoughts. I hope that should I ever give off the appearance of wallowing, there will be those in my life that will oh so helpfully nudge (or shove) me along.