Current random thoughts

I love that I have friends that despite going for lengths of time of not much communication just due to life stuff, when we connect again, it is always as though we haven’t ever had more than 5 minutes away from each other. That’s an amazing thing

I love how much music changes things.

I hate how being a girl instantly makes certain things more difficult. Like being friends with guys. It should be able to happen without having to worry about how you are seen, without having to care about how things look. Just getting to be their friend and them yours, without all the BS that seems to come along with it from other people. Boy and Girl don’t matter, being a good friend is what is important, don’t let your issues and insecurities affect my relationships.

I love that place between asleep and awake when I can still hear what is going on around me, but my thoughts are nonsensical and I feel floaty. The best place for that is in a hammock on a warm, breezy, spring day. Or, if that isn’t an option…in my car during my lunch break as I got to experience yesterday!

I love anticipation of good things. It just makes them that much better. Especially when it is something you are looking forward to, the entire experience is then heightened. Love it!

I wish I could be closer to family. Always. Not just in physical proximity either. I feel like I am missing out on so much of the lives of those I most care about due to not only distance but general busyness.

I am constantly learning new things about myself, some of which I am not sure I want to know. Such as how easy it is to get caught up in old thoughts and behaviors despite spending years working on said thoughts and behaviors. How about learning more about how awesome I am? ;)

I love Cadbury Cream Eggs. Nothing else to say there, just deliciousness pooped out by a bunny.

I like my Bath and Body works Cinnamon lip gloss the best cause it adds a sweet cinnamon taste to my coffee drinks.

I get a lot of delight in my first sip of my Starbucks Caramel Macchiato every morning.

I look forward to the weather getting nice so I can go and walk my favorite loop at Henry Cowell.

I thrive on routine (not new information I know, but this just gets reinforced constantly)

While I get compulsive about what I eat, what I read, what I do, what I listen to, what I like/don’t like, and how I do/eat/listen/read those things until I can’t take them anymore, I am happy to say that when I look back on my life that has never occurred with people, those are my constants. And those who have been my constants for so many years (you know who you are), you are right up there with things I consider being the most important things in my life.

I love that I get to work somewhere that I look forward to going to; I know quite well that it is a luxury that not many get to experience.

I love laughing, and I am lucky that I get to laugh a lot, and that there are many people that bring me that wonderful joy.

I am wondering what my next tattoo should be…tee hee

Calvin and Hobbes? Always funny. Always.

I have higher expectations for food than I do for people.

I love physical touch (don’t be dirty people), cuddling, snuggling, hand holding, play fighting, head on the shoulder, hugging, it is all about just being close and having some kind of physical proximity. And since it doesn’t have to be dirty…I feel this way about family, friends, etc and it drives me crazy that I have to be careful about who it is I engage with in this expression of affection because of societal pressures.

Love bantering, sarcasm is my constant companion, it’s all about having the last word, if you can’t make them love you, make them laugh

I love buying things for people. I buy way more for other people than I do for me. It brings me much joy to give gifts.

I hate being bored, really really hate it.

Whenever I try to connect to my emotions in order to be healthy and well rounded, it backfires on me…often. I just may have to rethink this whole being “healthy and in touch” with my emotions.

I think everyone should have people in their lives that just thinking about them for even a second brings a genuine smile to their face. I am lucky enough to have several.

Unexplained Calm

*deep breath in...deep breath out*

I feel...much better lately. Which is a very good thing of course, my only issue with it is I am not exactly sure why I feel better. As my previous post mentioned, I have had the most anxiety the last few weeks that I can remember in my history of having anxiety. I apparently maxed out and then my body/brain decided it was just too dang tired to continue on that path, so they decided to work together and come back down I guess. *shrug* As I mentioned to a friend, I would love to be able to say that it was my mad skills at using all of my recovery and personal tools that I have learned and developed over the years, that would be a not only a great thing, but also a great testimony to the helpfulness of said tools. However, this time, that isn't the case. Not that I didn't attempt to employ everything I knew in aiding me through this, I did. It's just that it didn't really help all that much. But I suppose it goes back to that old saying "don't look a gift horse in the mouth" meaning...don't question it, the worst of it has seemingly passed, and I should just go with it.

Here is where the truly twisted shadow side of me comes out. I kind of miss it. Those who have had to deal with anxiety frequently will most likely understand, but otherwise it is hard to understand why in the world I would miss something that creates so much wreckage in my life. Well, anxiety was helping me as well as hurting me. The adrenaline rush I would get when experiencing the anxiety would make it easier to wake up in the mornings, stay alert through the day, have the energy to workout, give me something to fixate on, think about, divert myself with...and now, I am just tired, almost unmotivated. Biologically this makes perfect sense since I spent the last few weeks dumping my neurochemicals to the point of complete depletion, of course my mind and body are exhausted, it is needing to rebuild its stores of adrenaline, and coping chemicals (our bodies really are amazing and fascinating things). It is more than just being tired of course, it is just that delightfully *tongue-in-cheek* addictive cycle of going from crises to crises to keep us going that is hard to come down off of when things normalize. It is funny because I spent so long without having to even worry about that kind of stuff that to be experiencing it all again only just reiterates my need to always needing to stay on stop of my addictive behaviors and thoughts. And by staying on top of...I of course mean working my Steps around. I am powerless, there is a Power greater than me, and letting it all go to that Higher Power.

And I feel I must take the opportunity to emphasize the fact that besides the odds and ends of my struggles, I am actually doing very well and am very happy with and in my life. I am for the most part content. I have let go of the pressing need that took over much of my life for the past two years (two years this May, so weird), I still love my job despite the odd little annoyances, I have fantastic friends and family that support me and love me, I of course have my endlessly patient husband, my little kitties...the list goes on. So while it helps me very much to deconstruct my thought processes and struggles on here, I know it can at times lend itself to a darker side, but I do believe I gave a disclaimer at the top of my page..."beware" :) I think one of the most significant and important facts through everything is that I am constantly working on what is going on inside of my head. I am not one to wallow, or stew in my stuff. It is always a push, a pressing to move forward and come out on the other side that allows me the freedom to dissect my insane thoughts. I hope that should I ever give off the appearance of wallowing, there will be those in my life that will oh so helpfully nudge (or shove) me along.

I don't need new issues, I have old ones

Isolating has never really been one of my bigger issues. When I am struggling or something, I talk about it with friends, or I compartmentalize it, possibly never to be heard from again. I am far too social for me to consider isolation. Who will I make sarcastic comments to if I am isolating? It’s just not an efficient use of my humor. I have several friends who when they are going through stuff they isolate completely and don’t have any communication outside of the bare minimum with those in their world. I haven’t ever fully understood it until lately. I feel like I am slowly pulling back more and more and going deeper inside of myself. I have had increased anxiety lately and I am not exactly sure why, but I think that in response to it I have truly begun to isolate. It amazes me just how distracting anxiety can be. I am one of those types of people that if I am sitting too long without doing about 8 things at once, then I must be asleep. I am not one to get lost in my thoughts, which comes from the whole compartmentalization thing, if I think about it then I have to process/deal with it. Meh, I’d rather not, thus I tuck it away (and this is a constant struggle to not do this as I know good and well it isn’t a healthy behavior, it’s not always a given). Lately though I have found myself able to pass significant amounts of time just zoning, and doing nothing else. My anxiety will reach a climax and I will almost have to sit there, stare at a wall and just go over everything in my mind to try and diffuse the extra (and often unwelcome) rushes of adrenaline. The other day I was running, which is an awesome anxiety reliever by the way, and normally the only way I get through my run is by reading the whole time. I am able to set page goals for myself, and pass the time that way, (again, can’t ever just do one thing), but the other night I ran my entire run just staring at a point on the wall and thinking about stuff, not reading more than five pages. WTF?! That doesn’t happen to me…ever.

I haven’t talked to people like I normally do; not nearly as much texts, emails, phone calls, never mind personal face to face contact. It isn’t as though I haven’t wanted to, but I feel almost immobilized when I try to. I feel like I have so much going on inside my head but not really knowing what it is that how can I talk to people about what is going on? So I find myself pulling back, and when I do make contact, I feel totally disconnected from who I am talking to. I answer in vague generalities, again, not in an attempt to hide anything or be dishonest, but just because I don’t really know what is going on. Are new things trying to come to the surface to be looked at and dealt with? are old things trying to resurface and I am just not doing a good job of using the tools I have to deal with them? I really don’t know, but what doesn’t help is how sucky I feel as a friend, wife, daughter, sister, sister-in-law, youth leader, church member, counselor…the list of additional reasons to feel guilty just goes on. And what makes me feel better? Not much, I guess. Running helps, I am just lucky that is one thing I am not compulsive about or I might have another problem on my hands. Luckily my inherent laziness and lack of desire to push myself comes into play to balance it out. Talking does help, but therein lies the problem, isolation and sharing don’t really work cohesively. It is weird though, I don’t feel lonely, I don’t feel all alone in this world, I happen to know I have many people who are more than willing to listen and offer anything I need, so it’s not like I feel depressed, alone, sad etc. it is more the absence of any feeling other than anxiety, the complete disconnect that I feel that is causing my isolation problem.

Sigh. So what now? When will it go away? What do I need to do to make it go away? How can I keep it from leading to triggering all my myriad other issues? Well, frick, if I had all these answers I wouldn’t be needing to write this out and try and figure it out! Silly me. So I will keep trying to figure it out, deal with it, and push my way through it. I apologize for those of you who are affected by it, I promise it’s just temporary…at least I hope so.

An Ignored Beginning

Another beginning, another possibility...but this time no phone calls were made, deliberately. Wonder what that means...

Slippery Slope

Having been working for the police department now for about 6 months, I have discovered a slightly disheartening new characteristic about myself. My vocabulary has taken a decidedly sideways turn and I wouldn’t say expanded, but perhaps a better word for it would be downgraded so that words I wouldn’t have ever said before come more readily to my mind and sometimes to my actual speech. It didn’t take long, and we don’t even have that many cops who are superfluous with swearwords in their language, so I can only imagine how bad it would be if I worked somewhere less wholesome than SVPD. It was just something funny to me, but the more I think about it, the more an old and rather simple idea gets reinforced, it is easier to be pulled down than to pull others up. Not the most astounding and revolutionary idea I know, but one that then took me down a trail of thoughts leading me to my faith. It is a struggle to do what is right. It isn’t easy, for me to sit back and rest on the fact that I am a Christian and therefore I automatically know and therefore do the right thing means that I will find myself in some serious trouble. This actually takes work! I struggle with this often I think because I was raised in the church and can’t remember a time when I didn’t believe, so I feel like my faith is so deeply engrained in me, that it is no longer something distinctive, but just part of the background noise of my life. Which makes me wonder, what will happen when something – anything really – comes along that is louder than the “white noise” I have let my faith become? Chances are good I will follow that siren song because it is just so much easier to be pulled down, especially if I have failed to do the work.


Thing is, we don’t like to think of our faith, our recovery, or our relationship with God as work. We want it to be easy, smooth, and effortless. Isn’t that what we are taught faith should be anyway? the word “just” is put in front of everything “just” believe “just” pray “just” do the right thing. Those can all be very difficult to do sometimes.


Amazingly, I actually looked at some Scripture that I thought speaks to the issue. Ephesians 6, The NASB says “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places” 13Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. 14Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and have put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace 16in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17And take the helmet of Salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God


I like the God’s Word translation for the first verse a little better just to illustrate the point a little better: “This is not a wrestling match against a human opponent. We are wrestling with rulers, authorities, the powers who govern this world of darkness, and spiritual forces that control evil in the heavenly world”


Nothing about those verses indicates a laxity, ease, or gentle action. They are strong verses that indicate the need for work, for effort, for preparing for battle! Not exactly the picture of a background faith that I know I have let happen. This is a picture of something active, something that requires, nay (yes I said nay), actually demands the complete absorption of our entire being. You can’t go into battle with only partial investment, you would lose almost instantly. So why would our spiritual lives, which are apparently in a battle with the darkness of this world, be looked at any differently? It is so easy to get caught up in this world and get dragged down by things that appear to be harmless, and things that eat away at our morality and integrity. My example of my change in language is just a minor one compared to some of the darker compromises that we become so much more willing to make when we have relegated our faith to a backdrop rather than at the forefront of our lives. The sad thing is that we usually wait to hit bottom before we decide it’s time to rethink our priorities. I don’t want to have to hit that in my own life before I recognize the need for change, but I also know that relying on myself to motivate myself is insanity, and sometimes I don’t want to make that change, so I can’t trust myself with that decision. It won’t work, so I have to ask and trust that God will help me make not only that choice, but give me the strength and energy to kick into high gear.

Ginger Convention

This is a novella - seriously, but I just wanted to make sure I captured every magical moment...

I arrived on Sunday afternoon to Sea-Tac airport with the graceful fall of delicate snowflakes upon my airplane window. "how delightful!" I thought. As I went to step out of the plane from my first row seat, I saw a blur to my right, an 80+year old man was racing up the aisle from who knows which row and jammed right out as the first one off the plane. I figure if you are that focused and determined, then by all means you deserve to be first off. And when you gotta go, you gotta go. It's just a fact. So, I deplaned and got my bag (no ridiculously stupid mishaps with luggage this year)and I look around for the beloved family members that I am coming to visit, just knowing that in high anticipation of my visit they must have arrived hours early, just waiting for a glimpse of me. I saw no one, so I stood cold and lonely near the door to the outside world which was frickin' freezing (which my husband was so kind to point out that it tends to be that when it's snowing)! After what felt like hours, I went out to the curb and there was the car that I had been waiting for, with the family I had been looking for. My Auntie Nora and my little 1st cousin Avery were there to greet me and get us on our way. Nora of course greeted me with excitement and affection (most everyone does) but Avery was a little wary of me. I wasn't sure why, we had met when she was about 6 weeks old, and had some good times as far as I could remember, but I suppose not good enough because she wasn't sure about my presence on the outset. After a little while she did warm up and gave me a gorgeous smile. She has the biggest eyes and looks just like her momma and Aunt Caroline did when they were babies. I love it. I searched (mostly in vain) for any sign of the blessing that is red hair, maybe as she gets older.

Here she is smilin' for the camera.

We then went to the Calvin Casa and Nora and I got a chance to start our catchups of our lives and we were shortly joined by my (creepy) Uncle Ben. Unkie Benny inherited me as his niece when he married Nora, and what a bonus for him! He is a superb uncle, and quite alot of fun actually. He was a bit unkempt and stinky upon our first contact, apparently cause he played a long, hot and sweaty game of soccer...the day before. um, gross.

Here he is, Uncle Ben...

More talking, more catching up and more laughing. Seriously, whenever I visit these wonderful members of my family, we are essentially laughing from beginning to end. But I digress. We then went out to dinner with Ben's parents along with Zoie (Ben's daughter who is 12, and just delightful, also my cousin!). So, for those of you who know me, know good and well that I am an extremely...let's say...picky eater. So Nora was thrilled with the fact that they got to introduce me to Indian food for the first time in my life. I, on the other hand was a bit apprehensive. Indian food had neither quesadillas nor cereal. But I was pleasantly surprised, I enjoyed myself and the company, and I will even admit, the food. And they had bottomless chai, which was absolutely delicious! Zoie had basically gotten about 4 hours of sleep over the previous 24hrs, so she was a little groggy upon our mealtime. Nora asked her if she remembered me (she's 12, Nora, not 3 jk :) and of course she did, but I more or less received a grunt of welcome. Which is fine, as Jeff is more than willing to share, that's all he gets in the mornings when I don't get much sleep. Wait...scratch that, he gets that every morning, no matter how much I sleep. So, her grunt was no skin off my back. Accepted. At dinner I thought I would try again and asked her what she liked to eat at this particular restaurant. "Stuff" was the answer I got. Which amused me actually, she's 12, no biggie. But then, oh glory me, I remembered I saw her holding a Twilight book in the car. I realized I had the biggest weapon in my arsenal, the love of the book series that most of the tween population considers their Bible. So, I asked her one question about Twilight, and basically for the next hour we discussed the ins and outs and who my first, second, third, and fourth favorite characters were in the book and the movie. I believe our close cousinship has been sealed forever. Thank you Edward and Jacob.

Then it was home to drop off the baby, Benny boy and Zoie, and Nora and I went and met with Auntie Caroline (the third and final redhead in our family currently unless Avery decides to see the light). We met at this great coffee shop that had pages of desserts, and we chose two most wisely and enjoyed them together. The three of us then proceeded to regale each other with tales of our life, leading to more talking and most importantly of all, much laughter, much to the chagrin of the other patrons in the restaurant. Our night drawing to a close, we got up to leave, and I excused myself to go to the restroom and went in and as I was...ahem...using it saw written on the stall "I Love Shannon" so I of course proceeded to take a picture of it, verifying, that yes, I am beloved everywhere. Caroline had also told me that someone wrote "Real Vampires Sparkle" on a stall as an homage of course to Twilight. So I wanted to take a picture of that as well, so basically I creepily hung out in the bathroom waiting for the person in that stall to get out so I could go in (despite the fact that they knew I had already been in there and gone) and take a picture of said scrawl. This of course prolonged my bathroom time, thus leaving Nora and Caroline to assume that I chose to use a public restroom for a more significant bathroom experience. I did assure them however, that was the not the case and I was just taking pictures of the stalls, a much less weird action...maybe...okay, not. Then it was off to the Calvin Casa again so that we could sleep.

The three of us redheads

Normally that is where the story of the day would end, but not on this trip. Nora laid out the air mattress for me to blow up with the electric motor while she got me blankets. So I stand there holding down the button, no biggie right? For a normal person maybe, but I was standing there and I noticed the bed wasn't filling up despite my amazing button pressing. So I asked Nora about it and she discovered that I am, in fact, retarded because the hole at the other end of the bed was still open. Once closed, it filled right up. I have my Masters people, this shouldn't be happening! Then Nora and I wrestled her old backpacking sheet onto the mattress, and then she took great pains and care to make my bed up for me, even tucking under the covers and then dousing, yes dousing and not lightly misting, my bed with linen spray. My bed now not only smells delightful, but is also soaking wet. We are both of course hysterically laughing, so no harm no foul. Off to dreamland I go...

The amazing turn down service I received

The delightful linen spray

The next day held a morning that began with me kicking Nora's butt at boxing on the Wii. I played a Mii character that looked like grandpa Jon (her dad) so I believe that she was able to relieve some childhood anger during the game. But she was still no match for me, who randomly flails my arms and hopes I win. Turns out, that works. A little Mario Kart action and we decide to head to Pike's Place Market, a Seattle tourist favorite. Also a great spot for locals to buy fresh seafood, produce and all the possible accoutrement you may need. Such as the belt buckle I bought for Jeff that says "Open for Business" Clearly a necessity. But first it was a stop at the very first Starbucks. I was home. We got ourselves some delightful drinks and I a commemorative photo so I can one day tell my grandchildren where their grandma's addiction came from.

Here I am. Sad they didn't know my name though.

We then proceeded to enjoy the market, bought some flavored honey - which really, is pretty awesome. Should someone walk around with a jar of honey in their hand with a spoon, we would think they were weird. However, if you put some honey in a plastic stick then you just look like you are enjoying a finer part of life while walking through public places. Zoie had a good time buying various items she deemed as pretty and cool and all the fun 12 year old lingo. All was pretty enjoyable and uneventful, until Zoie bought two pieces of jewelry from one of the local vendors. She came up to me after having made her purchase and I asked her what she bought and she said, "a piece of jade and a leaf" hmmm, a leaf? So I then asked to see said leaf, and she pulled out a delightful, tiny little marijuana charm on a silver chain. Ah, that kind of leaf, just what I suspected. So I then of course proceeded to tell her what it was, and called Nora over to us to confirm (because for some reason Nora is in my mind a consummate professional when it comes to identifying marijuana paraphernalia I suppose). She confirmed it and then took it back to the vendor to explain that Zoie had no idea what she was buying. Luckily, he took it back and let her pick something else out. From there we went and bought some lunch, we went a place that served Pho. Nora was excited to learn I had never had it and that she got to introduce me to yet another food item I had never tried. I actually quite enjoyed it, so she was 2 for 2 at this point. We also stopped and got some super delicious cupcakes for dessert that night. Basically my days had revolved around going from one food or drink item to the next, essentially - the best kind of days! Headed home from there, took a little nap while the baby played in the kitchen with various cleaning fluids...wait, I mean while she also took a nap. Took it easy the rest of the afternoon, which was quite nice. I love getting to go up there and after all the catch up is done, the fun and enjoyment doesn't stop, but we are able to slip into the mode where we can just chill and hang out with each other, which is something I most definitely wish could happen so much more.

Nap Time

Our evening then began as Uncle Jere arrived from Oregon, then Caroline, Grandpa Jon, and Uncle Ben came home and the party started. Nora made us a fabulous meal that would rival Rachel Ray's best, and we all helped her by standing around and talking to each other and playing with the baby of course. We took our jobs as helpers very seriously. It was great having everyone that I never get to see all in one place, just enjoying each others company, making fun of each other (some families hug as a sign of affection, we mock) and generally having a good time. Dinner was enjoyed and cleared and then the night's entertainment truly began. Avery wanted to crawl on the table, and whatever baby wants, baby gets of course (parents and future parents take note). Avery loves to dance and we obliged her by providing her a beat by slapping our hands on the table and she proceeded to dance, and dance, and dance. It was so ridiculously cute and funny that this little 13month old baby had 6 adults in tears and beating a table continuously so she could carry on. I got lots of fun video, which I will include, one even with my Uncle Jere (who is not known to just bust out in random dancing) doing his best to keep up with Avery's grooves.
Avery dancing for us

Letting her do whatever she wants
Helping in the kitchen, obviously

Avery and Uncle Jere

My final evening in Seattle wrapped up with Jelly Belly candy, cheetos puffs, Simpsons, a goodbye to Caroline which included several pictures. One in which I appear to be molesting her, but don't worry, no redheads were harmed in the taking of said pictures. Caroline's boy toy went to take our picture and we all posed as we have all been trained to do, but instead of a flash and a click, it turns out he was taking a little video. So basically we just looked really stupid on the video, but nothing new there. The three of us (and Amy as well) have been looking silly on videos since we were little. Ask me about the jacuzzi video sometime, it's a doozy!

This is being submitted for the Parents of the Year Award. I think they have a good chance

Tuesday morning brought a beautiful dusting of snow on everything and us back to another Starbucks; because Nora really knows how to take care of her guests and we discovered a talent in Avery for eating bananas. It will be a talent that will not be cultivated I am quite sure. We had a delightful time shopping for baby type foods. It was something that had to be very carefully chosen by Nora as apparently Ben tends to enjoy the same foods that Avery does. So we found baby sized options that will deter even Uncle Ben and headed back home. Avery went down for a nappie poo, and we settled into watch the movie Persopolis. Uncle Ben came home early because he used the excuse "I have to see my niece before she leaves for home" I don't believe anyone bothered to ask him just how old his niece was, which I think is for the better. Ben then sent me off with an original song on his guitar. I thoroughly enjoyed it, although from the look on Avery's face in the picture, I don't know if she did...

Basically, I had a super fabulous wonderful awesome amazing time, and I really really really (infiniti) wished I lived closer to this fantastic part of my family. Thank you Auntie Nora, Uncle Ben, Cuz Zoie, and Cuz Avery for your hospitality!! I have so much fun with all of you!!

A nice change of pace

Ever feel like things are so happy and good that you wonder when the rug will get pulled out from under you? I can’t help but feel that way about work at this point. And who really ever gets to say that about their work? That’s one of the problems too, I don’t understand how it can be normal that I enjoy my work so much. And the fact that I actually enjoy all of the people that I work with. some of them, quite a bit actually. Despite my increased efforts over the last ten years to not make any new friends, I have made quite a few here at work. I feel very lucky to have connected to those that I have. One has brought a smile to my face almost since the first few days of my working here. I laugh more than once every single work day, oftentimes, it is much more than that, and full real laughter. Not that polite office laughter, but laughing to the point where my superiors might actually think I am not doing any real work (shhh, don’t tell them, but sometimes I’m not…like now) How do I reconcile this idea of such utter enjoyment at work with the common notions and ideas of what I know work to be. And how janky is it that feeling good about and at my work makes me feel apprehensive rather than just happy. I feel appreciated, I feel challenged, I feel like I belong to something bigger, and that I can only get better from here. It is refreshing to feel this way, hopefully I can just enjoy and not always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.