Little Moments...

When did being an adult become so complicated? When I was younger I had visions of staying up late, eating ice cream for dinner, just getting to do what I wanted without having to worry about much of anything that my parents always seemed to worry about. Life was filled with the possibilities of “Do” instead of the kid filled world of “Don’t” Now I sit here living my adult life and I sometimes find myself standing back, looking at it from a distance and thinking “is this really my life?” it’s not a negative or positive question really, more of a neutral observational question but it makes me pontificaty *and I just made it a word, so don’t even ask* how many of us are where we thought we would be when we were looking forward as kids, as teens, young adults, and heck even when we graduated college. Almost everything about my life is different than what I would have pictured it. Again, not necessarily in a negative way, just different. Did I ever, ever, even think that I would become a dispatcher for a police department? Heck no! But now that I am, I wonder what was I doing with myself before this. I slipped in here so easily and it is such a good fit I wonder why I wasted so much time doing other things. But then I have to look at that train of thought and accept that everything that was done in life, the good and the bad has led me to this point, to get here I had to go through…everything else. Such a strange thought sometimes because that idea gets so big when I really start to consider all the implications of that. It also kind of peeves me to think about that to get here did I really have to go through 2 years at a job that gave me my very first anxiety attack and subsequent anxiety issues? Did I really have to go through not making enough money, dealing with drama, dealing with struggle and pain? And of course the answer is yes, I did. Going through all that is what made me who I am today, that growth was necessary, that struggle, and even the good times were all required to put me here today, and that goes for all the moments in my life, not just the last couple of jobs of course.

A friend of mine was talking about a car accident he was in and how he was within 1 second, and a ½” away from dying in the accident, but instead he walked away unharmed. Seriously shaken up, but essentially unharmed. Which made him think about everything he did that day that led to that moment…that exact moment. When he went to the bathroom, how long it took to get in the car and buckle up, going the exact speed he was going, pausing at a random moment for no real reason, stopping to talk to a friend, all of those moments led up to the one that kept him alive instead of killing him instantly.

This concept works well in recovery too. There is so much that you learn about yourself and how you cope, interact with others, handle emotions, deal with life, learn boundaries, moderation, how to have healthy relationships, the ability to stop before acting, the ability to not only know what your feeling but how to handle it in a healthy way, the list goes on. But to have gotten to this knowledge and understanding and the changes we have made in our lives because of them, we had to go through our darkest moments in our addiction first. We had to hit bottom, and then begin our recovery in order to reach whatever healthiest point we then come to in our lives. It is all process, bummer is that the process is exhausting and can be painful, but your hope always is to reach the other side lighter and with more than you had before.

Remembering all of this is of course the trick. That whatever I am going through now, both good and bad are all part of the process to continue to make me who I am and who I will be. What the future holds for me at this point, I don’t know. I don’t think I have ever had less of a plan for my life than I do now. It’s frustrating as I am such a controlling planner…I mean, organized and efficient ;) In my opinion this lack of knowledge, planning and vision does affect how I feel about what I am doing now. It takes some of the oomph and investment out of what I am currently doing because I don’t know where it is going. This is also a hard thing for me to adjust to and handle because where does that energy go? Right now it is definitely funneled into work, the only thing that I see as a consistent presence in my life (other than those of you who love me and support me, I know this!), which is a very good thing since I like it so much! So on goes my process, my piecing together of moments, all culminating and building to my next moment of discovery, and then it begins all over again. Wait…does it ever stop? Just thinking about that makes me tired, so I won’t…the best way to deal with things. Right? Right? Sigh. Back to work, which is okay cause me likey! :)