Current random thoughts

I love that I have friends that despite going for lengths of time of not much communication just due to life stuff, when we connect again, it is always as though we haven’t ever had more than 5 minutes away from each other. That’s an amazing thing

I love how much music changes things.

I hate how being a girl instantly makes certain things more difficult. Like being friends with guys. It should be able to happen without having to worry about how you are seen, without having to care about how things look. Just getting to be their friend and them yours, without all the BS that seems to come along with it from other people. Boy and Girl don’t matter, being a good friend is what is important, don’t let your issues and insecurities affect my relationships.

I love that place between asleep and awake when I can still hear what is going on around me, but my thoughts are nonsensical and I feel floaty. The best place for that is in a hammock on a warm, breezy, spring day. Or, if that isn’t an option…in my car during my lunch break as I got to experience yesterday!

I love anticipation of good things. It just makes them that much better. Especially when it is something you are looking forward to, the entire experience is then heightened. Love it!

I wish I could be closer to family. Always. Not just in physical proximity either. I feel like I am missing out on so much of the lives of those I most care about due to not only distance but general busyness.

I am constantly learning new things about myself, some of which I am not sure I want to know. Such as how easy it is to get caught up in old thoughts and behaviors despite spending years working on said thoughts and behaviors. How about learning more about how awesome I am? ;)

I love Cadbury Cream Eggs. Nothing else to say there, just deliciousness pooped out by a bunny.

I like my Bath and Body works Cinnamon lip gloss the best cause it adds a sweet cinnamon taste to my coffee drinks.

I get a lot of delight in my first sip of my Starbucks Caramel Macchiato every morning.

I look forward to the weather getting nice so I can go and walk my favorite loop at Henry Cowell.

I thrive on routine (not new information I know, but this just gets reinforced constantly)

While I get compulsive about what I eat, what I read, what I do, what I listen to, what I like/don’t like, and how I do/eat/listen/read those things until I can’t take them anymore, I am happy to say that when I look back on my life that has never occurred with people, those are my constants. And those who have been my constants for so many years (you know who you are), you are right up there with things I consider being the most important things in my life.

I love that I get to work somewhere that I look forward to going to; I know quite well that it is a luxury that not many get to experience.

I love laughing, and I am lucky that I get to laugh a lot, and that there are many people that bring me that wonderful joy.

I am wondering what my next tattoo should be…tee hee

Calvin and Hobbes? Always funny. Always.

I have higher expectations for food than I do for people.

I love physical touch (don’t be dirty people), cuddling, snuggling, hand holding, play fighting, head on the shoulder, hugging, it is all about just being close and having some kind of physical proximity. And since it doesn’t have to be dirty…I feel this way about family, friends, etc and it drives me crazy that I have to be careful about who it is I engage with in this expression of affection because of societal pressures.

Love bantering, sarcasm is my constant companion, it’s all about having the last word, if you can’t make them love you, make them laugh

I love buying things for people. I buy way more for other people than I do for me. It brings me much joy to give gifts.

I hate being bored, really really hate it.

Whenever I try to connect to my emotions in order to be healthy and well rounded, it backfires on me…often. I just may have to rethink this whole being “healthy and in touch” with my emotions.

I think everyone should have people in their lives that just thinking about them for even a second brings a genuine smile to their face. I am lucky enough to have several.

Unexplained Calm

*deep breath in...deep breath out*

I feel...much better lately. Which is a very good thing of course, my only issue with it is I am not exactly sure why I feel better. As my previous post mentioned, I have had the most anxiety the last few weeks that I can remember in my history of having anxiety. I apparently maxed out and then my body/brain decided it was just too dang tired to continue on that path, so they decided to work together and come back down I guess. *shrug* As I mentioned to a friend, I would love to be able to say that it was my mad skills at using all of my recovery and personal tools that I have learned and developed over the years, that would be a not only a great thing, but also a great testimony to the helpfulness of said tools. However, this time, that isn't the case. Not that I didn't attempt to employ everything I knew in aiding me through this, I did. It's just that it didn't really help all that much. But I suppose it goes back to that old saying "don't look a gift horse in the mouth" meaning...don't question it, the worst of it has seemingly passed, and I should just go with it.

Here is where the truly twisted shadow side of me comes out. I kind of miss it. Those who have had to deal with anxiety frequently will most likely understand, but otherwise it is hard to understand why in the world I would miss something that creates so much wreckage in my life. Well, anxiety was helping me as well as hurting me. The adrenaline rush I would get when experiencing the anxiety would make it easier to wake up in the mornings, stay alert through the day, have the energy to workout, give me something to fixate on, think about, divert myself with...and now, I am just tired, almost unmotivated. Biologically this makes perfect sense since I spent the last few weeks dumping my neurochemicals to the point of complete depletion, of course my mind and body are exhausted, it is needing to rebuild its stores of adrenaline, and coping chemicals (our bodies really are amazing and fascinating things). It is more than just being tired of course, it is just that delightfully *tongue-in-cheek* addictive cycle of going from crises to crises to keep us going that is hard to come down off of when things normalize. It is funny because I spent so long without having to even worry about that kind of stuff that to be experiencing it all again only just reiterates my need to always needing to stay on stop of my addictive behaviors and thoughts. And by staying on top of...I of course mean working my Steps around. I am powerless, there is a Power greater than me, and letting it all go to that Higher Power.

And I feel I must take the opportunity to emphasize the fact that besides the odds and ends of my struggles, I am actually doing very well and am very happy with and in my life. I am for the most part content. I have let go of the pressing need that took over much of my life for the past two years (two years this May, so weird), I still love my job despite the odd little annoyances, I have fantastic friends and family that support me and love me, I of course have my endlessly patient husband, my little kitties...the list goes on. So while it helps me very much to deconstruct my thought processes and struggles on here, I know it can at times lend itself to a darker side, but I do believe I gave a disclaimer at the top of my page..."beware" :) I think one of the most significant and important facts through everything is that I am constantly working on what is going on inside of my head. I am not one to wallow, or stew in my stuff. It is always a push, a pressing to move forward and come out on the other side that allows me the freedom to dissect my insane thoughts. I hope that should I ever give off the appearance of wallowing, there will be those in my life that will oh so helpfully nudge (or shove) me along.