First Day Solo

Okay, so this is it, my first day on my own as a primary dispatcher. Deep breath. So, honestly, I am pretty freaked out. I had youth group pray not only for me, but for all of Scotts Valley last night. Now don’t get me wrong, I have had wonderful training by wonderful trainers, but there always comes that time when the training wheels are removed and it is time to ride solo. Always sketchy at first. I am just hoping that my first few scrapes and bruises aren’t the lasting type, and that I can keep my officers safe and headed home each night. That is my main concern, the rest is skill building, and I know I will make mistakes, I just don’t wanna. :) Everyone has reassured me that I will be “fine” and I actually have an amazing learning environment so that when I do make mistakes I receive far more positive reinforcement than negative, but that still doesn’t change the fact that I want to do well, not only for those who believe I am where I should be, and myself, but I really feel like this job was a gift from God, and so I want to treat it as such and do my best to kick a** at it. The thing I know I have to remember is that since God gave it to me, I don’t really see Him just taking right back, but just like you still study for a test you prayed for help on, I will still put in the effort to do well as a response to my gratitude.

But please, please, please don’t let me be a continuing member of the “Newbie Curse”

****Really Scotts Valley? I mean, really?****
I get in, first day flying solo, and I am settling in with my usual morning duties (tee hee, I said duties), and we get a call in complaining about a panhandler in front of Starbucks. Scotts Valley really doesn’t like panhandlers, despite the fact that they can technically be there, most people here believe that stuff only belongs in Santa Cruz. So of course we dispatch an officer out there, and my Sgt runs the guys info, and BAM!!! The guy has a warrant. My first ever, did I ever get one in training? No. But 45minutes into my first shift I get one. Well, fine. So that was handled. Then while the guys are out with that detail, a juvenile control detail comes up with a kid yelling and throwing crap and refusing to go to school. So then we have a juvenile in protective custody! All within the first hour of the day. Seriously, what the heck? Doesn’t everyone out there know, I am on the desk, let’s not make waves here people! Our unruly juvenile then decided to go to school, so our officers were nice enough to provide transportation – that’s a fun way to arrive at school – in the back of a cop car. Nothing says cool like a guy with a gun opening the door for you. Ha! Oh Scotts Valley, I know you aren’t as exciting and dangerous as places like Oakland, but I do love you for your silly charm. Although I have to say I really hate that you call 911 to report a lost purse. Other than those bursts of retardedness, I am sure we will get along just fine…hopefully…

I like the guns, the guns that go boom

I realized I put up the pictures various places, but never wrote about my experience, and I just know everyone has been dying for a written experience they could read, so because I am so magnanimous, I will oblige. :) As this was my first experience with shooting, I didn't really know what to expect, I just knew I wanted to get out there and do this thing! I knew there was alot to learn regarding gun safety, and how to properly handle a weapon, etc, and no disrespect to anyone who is experienced and skilled with said rules/regulations, but I just wanted someone to place the gun in my hand, tell me where to shoot, and let me go for it. And after a brief introduction to the required and I am sure ultimately appreciated, safety rules, Lt Wilson did exactly what I had wanted, gave us guns, and let us shoot. I found that I shot alot better with the heavier gun, hitting each intended target with the allotted bullets. Those balloons and empty soda bottles didn't have a chance. I felt pretty skilled until I saw the pictures later and realized I was standing closer to the targets than I seemed to remember. We then got to shoot with the rifle with a much longer distance between us and the target, I was told to aim for the numbers within the shapes, however due to the fact that I have impaired vision and had no glasses, I didn't even know there were numbers, so I just aimed for the colors. How did I do? Um, well, let's just remember I shot all the balloons with the other gun! Then of course it was time for shooting the automatic weapon, and by "of course" I mean by working for the PD and having such an encouraging and "willing to train dispatchers with all weapons" Lt, we had access to such a fun weapon. We each took a turn and after each automatic round was shot, the observing dispatchers would all burst into spontaneous applause, not only encouraging the dispatcher with the gun, but also expressing their own giddiness at the experience. Which brings me to what I walked away thinking, which was not only "I like shooting guns, I want to do this again" but also just how great a group the SVPD dispatchers are. Everyone was very encouraging and supportive of each other regardless of the target hitting, or not hitting as the case may be, outcome. Each person was cheered for and rooted on by the others, everyone allowed each other their turn without complaint, and the mood was just overall one of camaraderie and fun. This, I think, was the most significant part of the excursion, just realizing how lucky I am to be a part of such a great team. And of course thinking about how as such a great team, we will one day kick Patrols collective butt at shooting!!!

Ebbs and Flows

Rejection sucks
Loss sucks

Both of which I feel fairly confident anyone would agree with me on. It's hard though because not all rejection and loss is out there for all to see, it isn't always so obvious, thus making it harder to identify and deal with. A relationship doesn't have to end completely for there to be rejection and loss. Both can be experienced with a shift, a change in the relationship dynamic. To go from best to just friends, when someone breaks a trust and you can no longer feel the closeness you once felt, when an unhealthy relationship has ended - despite its unhealthiness, for it to change is to still experience it as loss, someone not needing you as much, not feeling safe with someone anymore, even the hope for a relationship when it doesn't come to fruition - that hope is lost. One of my teachers that I enjoyed most while in school said all change comes with loss, even good changes.

This was a pretty pivotal point for me to realize, not just for my life but of course those that I work with as well in both a counseling and teaching capacity. When change occurs, there is always something lost in order to move onto the next part of the experience. This part of each experience is often overlooked and when good changes occur in life and people don't find them to be as satisfying as they thought they would be, it is often because they miss the fact that they haven't taken the time to acknowledge and process the loss they have experienced.

But I think I have distracted myself. The above point is an important one I think for anyone in their life, not to be overlooked, but what I have been processing lately is the change in several relationships in my life lately, and I have decided it sucks. :p Shifts, changes in dynamic, change in intimacy (no need to get ooky - it just means closeness), changes in direction, etc. Unlike high school, none of these changes are due to any fights or drama, just the natural ebb and flow of life, and the changing needs of people and circumstances. And even though they aren't necessarily done consciously, there is still rejection involved in each of these changes. The changes are not personal attacks, and I know it, but there is still then something of me that is not important enough to keep from the change occuring. The more I write here, the more people I think of that this applies to. And I really don't like it. And I know what I should do about these not so fun feelings...but I have continued to do what I have done with my negative emotions all year...stuff 'em. I have felt nothing really but numbness, so really, I have felt nothing. I tell all the people that I meet with how important knowing, feeling, and processing their emotions is to their recovery, which is so very true, and I continue to struggle to do it myself. I have put so much crap from this year away, I don't really want to think about what would happen if I let it all out. I pity the person nearby when it happens. :) Although if I were to be perfectly honest, it probably won't happen, I have gotten quite good at compartmentalizing, and intellectualizing my emotions. I talk about them, and I talk about what I should be feeling, but I don't actually feel them. It's a neat trick.

Now, don't misunderstand me, I am not writing this as a cry for consolation, merely just as a means to process and be honest with myself and identifying several relationships in my mind that I need to process the changes and areas of loss. I know this is all part of life, it just is one of those not fun parts.

Oh these Yutes...

Since I am finally starting to emerge from the fog of total immersion job training, I find my brain is able to start thinking about things other than KLI289, license plates, radio verbiage, 10851s, what the H&S5411 code means (ask if you wanna know), how many banks and coffee shops there are in Scotts Valley(the knowledge of the latter I am intimately acquainted with), and so on and so forth. However, this freeing up of some of my headspace is a mixed blessing as it allows me to pontificate on things that I can't just turn to my services manual and get answers for.

I have of late been struggling with the idea of ineffectuality and my lack of ability to hold the hand of and provide step by step help for my youth group. This idea and struggle is not new, not only to me, but also to I believe most people who serve in any type of ministry. However, it is the most current struggle for me as several of my youth are struggling with simply living their day to day life. I would love to take a sweeping look at the group as a whole and just say, "overall I think everything is going good, they will be fine, they are doing just fine" but that would be to foolishly ignore each of them as individuals.


There is my iceberg - she reveals only the tiniest bit of herself to me and the world as a whole, but underneath the surface there is much of herself that she works very hard to hide. She talks about some of the struggles she is going through and some of her secrets, but I know that for each thing she shares there are ten more she doesn't and those are what are going to eat away at her from the inside out. I want to take that pain and that struggle away from her, I want to help her ease that burden that she carries, but I can only help her as much as she lets me. I love her sense of humor and the wisdom beyond her age that she doesn't even know she has.



There is one who on the outside appears to not really have all that much going on in her life outside of school and sports, but when you dig just a little, the sheer amount of stress, anxiety and pressure to perform perfectly to the point of complete and total exhaustion are right there under the surface. She is struggling to try and find herself in this world but can't because she has so many other people telling her who she should be, not to even figure out who she wants to be. I want to just take her out and give her a moment without that stress, without having to perform, but how can I when to spend a few hours with her would only put her more behind in her work and add more stress to her life? I love her randomness and her adaptability.

The one who is beginning to learn what it is really like to be an adult in this funky world. That being an adult actually sucks sometimes when there isn't enough money, not enough hours to work enough to make enough, that being 18 doesn't mean that there is an instant understanding of how the world works, that wisdom is something that (hopefully) comes with age. There is something bigger for her out there, and I desperately hope that life doesn't bog her down and exhaust her before she finds it. I love her energy, faith, and positive outlook on life no matter what happens.

And my last girl, off on her own, completely at the mercy of the outside world, its pressures, its temptations, its pitfalls, and of course all of its possibilities as well. I miss her, and am scared for her, not because of who she is, I love who she is, but because I know this world can be a scary place, and I wish I could protect her from any unnecessary pain or struggle in her faith. But what is so great, and one of the things I love about her is that she would see the challenge life is presenting and absolutely rise to meet it, I just want her to know she doesn't have to do it on her own, that she is not alone, that she not only has me of course, but bigger and better than that, she has God to get her through all of it. I love her questioning nature, her compassion, and her desire to do what is right.

And then there are the boys, ah...the boys. Our boys are special as most boys are, and since I do not meet with them one on one, I have less of a glimpse into their thoughts and struggles, but I know that they have them of course. Learning how to be a man of God in this faithless world with its decaying values is enough of a struggle, never mind the added frustration of just figuring out who they are in life in general. I always hope that they will learn to see what God values and take on those values and can go into the world and become the men that we all want to see the girls we love in our lives, fall in love with and be worthy of.

As one speaker that I still hold in very high regard said...our girls need to be Queens and our boys, Kings. I want to have Queens and Kings in my youth group, and I know that no matter what I do, it all comes down to whatever God is going to do in their lives. It can be frustrating feeling that sense of helplessness and that I am not doing enough, but of course knowing that God is ultimately in control also gives me the greatest freedom. I become free to simply enjoy their presence in my life, doing what I can, and knowing that I am not in charge of their futures, but am grateful that God allows me to be a part of their present. I cannot express the amount of joy I get from this group, they keep me laughing, they keep me young, and of course, they keep me praying...I owe them at least that much.

Perfection

My Sunday Afternoon:

My Pumpkin Chai

Perfect Crispy Fall Weather



The Delicious Fresh Smell of Redwoods



A Great Book



The Sound of a Train Whistle in the Distance



In Other Words - Heaven

entitlement

The more time I spend around people, interacting, listening, watching, etc. the more I realize that there is an increasing attitude of entitlement that people carry with them throughout their lives. It of course starts when we are young, and when we can’t get something we want, we declare definitively and often quite loudly “it’s not fair!” thus implying that if things were always fair, we would always get what we want, for the time being I will leave that inherently unwise thought process alone, that’s for another day.

But we often continue this idea that we deserve things in this life, that good things are supposed to come our way because we “deserve it” my question for that is...really? We deserve it? You deserve it? I deserve it? Of course this train of logic often ignores the other half of what we do, the things we deem as bad, we never want to claim we deserve anything related to those behaviors, just the good ones. We reach this fevered pitch defending the idea that we deserve better, that we deserve more, that we don’t deserve what we have, etc. we use this idea of entitlement – that we are somehow owed something in this life – by whom, I am not completely sure, but we use this idea to justify an amazing amount of not only immoral and integrity shattering behaviors and actions, but we continue this amazing sense of entitlement in our relationship with God. We foolishly charge the throne of the King with a list of demands that we feel we have deserved.

This is something I was already thinking about when I started studying the book of Malachi. I came upon the same theme with the Hebrews. They were in exile because they continuously refused to put God first in their lives and so they received the consequences that they had been warned about for generations. In Malachi, some were starting to return to their homeland and were turning God’s covenantal plan for them into a mere formality, something they weren’t even doing all that well even as a formality. Then in the midst of this decidedly backwards behavior they turned to God and asked him where his promises were. The response was not as they had expected;

Malachi 3 “You have wearied the LORD with your words. "How have we wearied him?" you ask. By saying, "All who do evil are good in the eyes of the LORD, and he is pleased with them" or "Where is the God of justice?" "See, I will send my messenger, who will prepare the way before me. Then suddenly the Lord you are seeking will come to his temple; the messenger of the covenant, whom you desire, will come," says the LORD Almighty. 2 But who can endure the day of his coming? Who can stand when he appears? For he will be like a refiner's fire or a launderer's soap. 3 He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; he will purify the Levites and refine them like gold and silver. Then the LORD will have men who will bring offerings in righteousness, 4 and the offerings of Judah and Jerusalem will be acceptable to the LORD, as in days gone by, as in former years. 5 "So I will come near to you for judgment. I will be quick to testify against sorcerers, adulterers and perjurers, against those who defraud laborers of their wages, who oppress the widows and the fatherless, and deprive aliens of justice, but do not fear me," says the LORD Almighty."

The Israelites felt as though they were doing their part (with a rather large helping of denial) and so where was God in doing his? They turned to God and said “hey, we went through all this suffering that you put us through by the way, we deserve to see some justice, we deserve your attention” and God turned around and said, “oh I’ll give you my attention…” and then even goes on to say “I the LORD do not change. So you, O descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed” he is reminding them that they are lucky he is so faithful because they are so faithless. In the book of Malachi the people continue to push God and wonder why they are not getting that they think they deserve not realizing that God in his infinite mercy is keeping them from what they really deserve.

Which is exactly the point, Psalm 103 says, “The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. 9 He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; 10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities”

Because he loves us so deeply God doesn’t treat us the way we deserve, we as humans, because of our inherently selfish nature deserve only one thing, death, it’s harsh, it’s a heavy thought but it is after all, what we all deserve. It is the sin in our lives that is so ingrained in the human experience that it taints everything we do and see. Sin lurks in the background everywhere, taking even our most beautiful accomplishments and marking them, the sin that leads to death.

This idea is throughout Paul’s writings in the book of Romans
Romans 6:23For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord
Romans 7:5For when we were controlled by the sinful nature, the sinful passions aroused by the law were at work in our bodies, so that we bore fruit for death
Romans 8:6The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace

There are many more, but I think I have already gone on too long. This idea of entitlement, of getting what we deserve, it’s a broken, delusional idea that has been happening since humans have been around, and I have no doubt that it will continue. I don’t think a popular saying that most of us know now was known by the Israelites but I think they certainly could have been forewarned had they known it, and I think it is something that in light of their hard learned lesson, we can also consider ourselves warned, “be careful what you wish for because you just might get it” Lucky for us, God isn’t dictated to by human adages and sayings, and I for one am filled with gratitude for that. Just something I have been thinking about...

Nothing Deep

No real deep thoughts to add, I haven't had the time for any of those! But I know I am remiss in keeping this up, but since I started my new job I have definitely been struggling to do all the things I was able to do before when I could play on the internet all during my work day. Those days are definitely gone! But...I am so very happy at my new job, I just wanted to share that experience at this point.

It has been two full weeks and I am loving it! I have a great trainer, who is actually my age and we get along pretty well I would say, he is a lot of fun and really relaxed, and also has the same sense of humor so I enjoy my time with him. He is also a great trainer and I have learned so much in the last two weeks. I am just wondering when my brain is going to run out of room cause I am just putting in more and more information! He also is really cool about letting me try stuff, on my second day he had me on the radio doing our signoff, and he has really let me, mmm, for lack of a less cheesy phrase, spread my wings the last two weeks. My other trainer is also really great, she has been there about 10 years or so and my supervisor is also awesome. And everyone there has varying degrees of OCD, remarkably I might be the least OCD out of all of them! So me and all my compulsive routines fit in there perfectly!

I am running about a week ahead of schedule in my training, which is cool, and I passed my last two Phase tests with 92 and 97 %s, I do tons of reading and quite a bit of memorizing outside of work, this job truly is the challenge I was needing to keep my brain from turning to mush. Next week we have our annual inspection, so the last few days have been just doing alot of cleaning and busywork, like me putting up all the traffic collisions that happened over an 18 month period with little tiny colored pins. Yes, it was as exciting as it sounds. :p But after inspections, I should get more time on the radio practicing my License Plate checks, and running driver's licenses, etc. They sent me home with a radio scanner so I can listen while I am at home and last night we heard someone get stopped with an open warrant! Yep, these things happen even in lil ol' Scotts Valley. :) But for the most part, it is fairly quiet, small town stuff, nothing like other cities I know, but really I am fine with that, especially for now while I am learning. I have been exhausted at the end of every day and still have lots to do, so other things have been falling by the wayside, sadly mostly my personal contacts with people, but I am hoping as I get the hang of things that it will all balance out. Next week I work 60 hours which will be interesting, my brain might turn into mush for a completely different reason!

I feel like I have been at this job forever, and it has only been two weeks (in a good way of course), so I feel like it truly is the fit I thought it would be, and am excited to keep pushing and keep getting better!

oh and I don't know if it is just coincidence or not, but the arrival of the Pumpkin Spice Latte coincided with the starting of my new job, so my outlook just may be rosier because of it! I love me my PSLs!!!!! :) So with the drink, the fall weather and the new job going so well, I am sitting pretty fat and happy!!