The stuff life is made of

Ahhh, let’s get these blog writing muscles stretched and loosened up. It’s been far too long, and there is quite a good reason for it, but that shall be addressed at a later date. Today, we will be recounting another fabulous trip up north to join the other amazing redheads in the family and just let myself have a good ol time.

Now, the flight up there is never an eventful one, it is a short one, and makes for easy travel. What I found unique in this one was that we somehow managed to arrive in Seattle 30mins early. My question is how do they do that? how are they not just able to do that every time. I get the whole “headwinds” “tailwinds” blah blah blah thing, but that early? Highly suspect if you ask me.

Lucky for me, Nora only lives a few minutes away from the airport, so it was no big deal. She arrived, we embraced, electrons were ignited all around us, which might sound odd to some of you. for those that it does, you are clearly not a ginger, this is a normal occurrence when two gingers make contact. It’s a very special thing, which is why you don’t see a lot of couples that are made up of two gingers. It would almost be too much electricity for all the normies in the world to handle. It would overpower you. back to the story, i arrived and exclaimed at their lush lawn that has really come into its own since I was there last and walked into a home that I am now becoming quite familiar with, and quite comfortable. This could possibly mean a superfluous houseguest in their future, but really, when could I ever be considered superfluous rather than just completely necessary?

And there he was…Uncle Ben. Sitting in all his glory in his gray sweatshirt, and paint stained grey sweatpants. I had actually considered the possibility that they had let a stray in and he was squatting in the home, but then I saw his big goofy grin and I knew, it was the uncle. I was then told the good news, I would not have to sleep on the air mattress this time (which was good news, despite my unadulterated enjoyment of it last time), but I would get to sleep in Zoie’s room. My first thought was, “how nice, they booted Zoie out of her room for me, about time” but then I was informed that she was actually visiting her mom, so the room would be mine for my visit. But the very best part was the fact that my bed was in a nook. That’s right, an actual nook. Which meant it was almost like sleeping in a fort. It was just that good.

On a side note, much to my delight, the weather in Seattle was delightful! It was rainy and cold…perfect! Although having been in Scotts Valley, Livermore and Texas recently, I was assuming that perhaps it was just as hot everywhere else in the world. Cause yes, I am just that egocentric that whatever I am experiencing, everyone else is too. Luckily by divine intervention, I threw in one pair of pants and a sweater. I paused at the idea of wearing only one pair of pants for the weekend, but the sight of Uncle Ben and his homage to high fashion put my fears at ease.

We then enjoyed each other’s company whilst we waited for the third member of the Ginger Trinity to join us. Our butts made cozy imprints in the couch much of the weekend, which was just fine. We were also highly entertained by the energetic, incorrigible, insatiable, unstoppable, unquietable, and extremely intelligent Avery Louise. This child has a mix of fiendish trickery and childish innocence in her face. She certainly cannot be accused of never knowing what she wants. She knows it and she wants it ten minutes before she asks for it (or takes it, as the case may be). There is essentially not a moment of silence that exists while Avery is awake, but thankfully for at least part of the time she is speaking gibberish which means she doesn’t yet need interaction from you while she speaks it, just the usual head nod, and the higher pitched “oh really” and “uh huh” that all of us adults do to little munchkins. There are those moments that are few and far between where she actually climbs into your lap, sits still (for the most part) and lets you snuggle with her, her head tucked under your chin, just at rest for a moment. I was able to get a few of those moments, and they were delightful. She is also very free and easy with her kisses, which is great, but watch out mommy and daddy for when she gets older!

Once our triumvirate was completed, the three of us gals headed out for a bit to eat and a chat. We went to a restaurant that we quite enjoyed, but any boy in the world would have hated. Small but delicious food, perfect for grazing while talking, and good but extremely strong drinks. Despite the strong drinks, there will be no crazy drinking stories to follow, all three ladies conducted themselves as such. Lots of catching up, revisiting some past times, constant turning away of the waiters who wanted to steal the rest of our little food, some light mocking, and the intermittent pause to truly appreciate the piano player with the gentlemanly top hat that for some reason every once in a while would tickle those ivories a little harder than truly necessary. Especially since there were only about 6 of us in the restaurant to absorb the sound. Onto a tasty dessert, and then some pictures to capture the moment. The waitress took a couple of great ones, I then realized I had no memory card in the camera, and all her efforts were in vain. Thus, I put in the card, and proceeded to utilize the self timer and took one perfectly normal picture (as normal as the three of us together can be) and then we took a more appropriate picture. Not appropriate as in what would be considered socially appropriate, just more après pos to our personalities. We then headed home to the boys who were so patiently and anticipatorily awaiting our return. Due to the fact that I had been up for 36 hours with only two hours of sleep, I wished my fellow trouble makers sweet dreams and retreated to my fort where I got to fall asleep to the always wonderful and comforting sounds of the rain outside.

Sunday morning brought more rain, and lower temps, but high spirits. Haha. Cheesy line, but im keeping it. I awoke to the sounds of Avery calling out “mommy, mommy, mom-my, MOM-my, mom-MY, MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY” simply charming. My fort, while cool, did not block out the sounds of an eager child ready to get up and face the day. But that was perfectly okay, she’s my first cousin, we are just 28 years apart, but what does age matter when it comes to family? And she does have just that hint, that touch of red in her hair, just enough to make that special connection that only those with red on the head can know. The family all headed out for breakfast which was enjoyed by all. Although Caroline now knows to not order Huevos Rancheros without the Huevos. We then all piled into the car and took a trip to the local grocer for the makings of Nora’s chili. Both red and white, it was a festival of chili-goodness. I felt very Santa Cruzian running through the parking lot in the rain in my flipflops. Water washing over my barefeet as I slipslapped my way across the puddles. I think the saying goes, You can take a girl out of California…

Once that adventure was completed, back home to make said chili. Nora put me in charge of the cornbread, which really was a magnificent creation of culinary delight. I worked really hard to open the bag, dump the mix into a bowl, add water and stir. But wait! There’s more! I also greased up the baking pan…with a paper towel and butter. It was a good throw back to when I was a kid and my mom used to grease the pans with Crisco. Anyone wonder why I was a chubby kid? Me neither. ;) so I contributed my efforts to the grandness of the meal, which really I felt was more than enough payback for letting me stay there. I mean I made two batches of it! We won’t talk about the fact that for some reason some unknown person turned off the oven without telling me before I put in the second pan, and thus caused confusion in regards to the duration of cooking time needed for batch #2. As culinary magic was being made, Uncle Jere and Grandpa Jon joined the soiree and more family time and catching up were had. Good food, family and my special cornbread, what more could anyone ask for? *sidenote from this Californian – whilst walking outside in the mud/puddles, try not to wear flipflops. Because they do exactly what their name says. They flipped water all up the back of my pants legs. Good times*

There was no question once our meal was completed that the culmination of said meal would occur once we had procured a delectable cupcake from the nearby confectionary merchant. I enjoyed a Key Lime/Coconut. Tasty. More imprinting on the couches, and then we load up once again and head out on the road for a destination about 70mins away. What could this far away destination be you ask? An amusement park? A breathtaking view? The presence of some spiritual being within a cave? If you guess any of these, you would be wrong. It’s okay, happens to the best of us. Well, to you, Im never wrong, but I digress. We were taking Grandpa Jon to his Square Dancing event. Yep. That’s right, Square Dancing. Remember learning how to do some of that in like 4th grade? Yeah me neither, but I was assured I did learn. When you think of Square Dancing, or at least when I do, I think big poofy skirts, guys in jeans and funny printed shirts, doe-si-doeing and looking like a big pile of people all mashed together in the middle of the dance floor. And no shock here, I was right! We went out to this campground that was filled with RVs and everyone migrating to the main building was wearing the poofy skirts, the men matching their ladies with their shirts. You may think, how many people could actually be interested in doing that? And the answer is, apparently a lot. There were about 15 circles (squares?) with 8 people in each one. Plus people sitting on the side. Everyone was having a great time, all smiles, in between each dance there was excited chatter and lots of laughing. But wait! I too could have been a proud owner of one of the skirts and petticoats to poof it out. Sadly I just couldn’t have fit one into my suitcase. Or I would have…for sure… Avery had a great time and wanted to dance with everyone, but the presence of a 2’ little toddler wasn’t very conducive to all the shimmying that was occurring so we sadly had to leave the party. But we left Gramps having a great time, so it wasn’t too hard to tear ourselves away.

Slept the night away soundly once again in my little nook.

The next morning brought another wakening to the burbling of a voice of a little angel. I can say that because I only woke up to her twice. Her parents may have another word for her as they wake up to her every day. We again settled into our imprints and waiting for Caroline’s glowing presence so that we could send me back to California with a proper farewell from the whole fam. And happy day Horia, Caroline’s boy toy came as well. The room was filled with fun, sarcasm, fond insults, and the comfort only people who just click together and cohesively can feel. **that settles it, im moving to Seattle! Oh wait…dang it** we enjoyed the fruits of nora’s labor – not Avery, she was sleeping – but we all piled into her garden and helped pick the veggies that were ready to be made into something tempting and scrumptious and altogether too healthy for my taste. And when I say help pick the veggies, I mean Caroline did. Ben, Horia and I all stood around watching them and made witty remarks about whatever popped into our heads. Which really I think did help, cause who doesn’t love such things? Once the garden had been plucked to Nora’s satisfaction, we all went back in the house and spilled right out into the back yard where we proceeded to take the parting pictures. The usual hilarity ensued, with the results yielding proof of the simple, unadulterated joy I get from being with these crazy kids.

Then the goodbyes and off to the airport to head home. Landed about 25mins early again, and came back to the reality of my life…but for a brief weekend was able to just let go and have fun and feel completely loved and supported and enjoyed. Amazing feeling.

**pictures to come soon**

Some much needed humor

Word of caution, some possible language that may offend, otherwise, read and enjoy!

http://wendiaarons.com/2007/03/as-seen-on-mcsweeneysnet.html

Grafted Branches

In all the hubbub and drama that has been occurring in my life as of late, I am so very happy to get to be able to post about the camping trip I was able to go on with our B side crew. This means everyone that works the second half of the week, both day and nightshift were all able to get together with their families and go camping for a couple of days up at Don Pedro Lake. Everyone left Sunday afternoon, except for me (cause I had to work) and two other people. So we left at 7pm when I got off of work. I swear, camping is supposed to be the simplest type of trip you take, but there is just so much to pack! Although I must admit I am always an overpacker, and I probably could have done just fine with way less. But I do always like to be prepared, cause who knows what you might need?!

We got there in about 3 hours, enjoyed the ride up there despite the fact that I was not driving, I took a little nap to help me with the urge to just push the driver out of the way and take over. I could have gotten us there in 2 hours! :) I enjoyed talking to those I shared the ride up with and once we got there, we found our group and joined in the fun. I must say by the way that getting to the camp site several hours after the others was great because camp and the tents were already set up. Oh yes! That’s the way to do it. so we just had to throw our stuff in the tents and set up our sleeping areas and we were good to just chill with everyone around the fire. All but the three of us had started the fun much earlier in the day and so it was amusing to see them…um, how shall I put this…a little “loose?” okay fine, they were all mostly buzzed if not a little drunk. Since I don’t drink, I am always one of those that gets to just laugh my butt off at those that do. Which I did. Then off to bed…where some more hilarity ensued in our tent. One of our tentmates made sure everyone in the camp knew that his girlfriend doesn’t normally wear pants when she goes to bed. He made sure he told her that at least ten times. It was awesomely hilarious!!

The next morning as is always the way with camping trips, we awoke far too early and thought it was much later than it was. Seriously, always like that with camping trips. So up and out to the campfire and breakfast where I enjoyed the delight of Cinnamon Softee Poppets. See, when I am camping, all my food rules are gone. Basically it is on like Donkey Kong at that point. So donuts for breakfast, chili for lunch, cookies for dinner, smores for dessert, whatever it is all fair game. I discovered the deliciousness of Nutter Butters with peanut butter spread on top with M&Ms on top of that. Oh yes people, do it!

In direct opposition to eating like a pig, it was time to put on the ol’ bathing suit and head out to the boat. We all took turns on the boat as there was about 12-14 of us and only a few could be on the boat, but I got on with the other gingers, Sgt and his lady, and Niki. We got to ride the three person tube, which is awesome because unlike a lot of other tubes, this one doesn’t flip very easily, and trust me Sgt tried his hardest to make it do so. The 30-40mins I spent on that tube going crazy fast and almost tipping basically made the whole trip worth it even if the rest of it had sucked (which it didn’t). I was just laughing the entire time and having pure unadulterated, effortless, stressfree fun. It was amazing! Then we got one of the officers out that is scared of the water, and it was a big step for him to even get into the boat. But thanks to the success of female persuasion, Niki and I were able to get him to get on the tube with promises that he wouldn’t die and that Sgt wouldn’t try and flip him. So he climbed on, got a death grip on the handles and tried to listen to our reassurances that he was okay and that everything would be alright. He did great and I think by the end, even had some fun! At that point we just went back to camp and enjoyed just hanging out, eating (of course) and just enjoying each other’s company. Thanks to the sheer amounts of food I was eating, and that I had to spend the next day in a bathing suit as well, I did make sure to go on a 30min run. And I confirmed something I always knew about myself, I am a gym/treadmill runner, not an outside/elemental runner. Nothing to control my speed, it was hot, there were hills, and I kept breathing in campfire smoke! But whatever, I did it, and I felt good. And I only got made fun of a little bit…

A great night around the campfire and just more relaxing and joking and game playing. Due to the fact that everyone hit it a little strong the night before there was much much less drinking, and thus less amusement for me, but it was still an enjoyable evening. Then on Tuesday friends of one of the officers arrived with their boat and we were able to take both boats and everyone got to go out all at once. The boat I was in didn’t do any “behind the boat” activities, we just tooled around the lake and had a great time doing it. it was an amazing day just relaxing on the boat and hearing stories, and just enjoying the peace of the day.

Essentially I had an amazing and fantastic time and if I could do it every weekend I would. Hands down, I would throw together a bag of stuff and go. I needed it in every way you can need things, and it gave me a chance to be with people that have only ever supported and encouraged me and are a huge part of my life. While camping and boating is always fun, it was the people that made it incredible. I love that I have not a replacement family, but another grafted branch that offers me so much, more than I could have ever hoped for in just “coworkers” We are coming up on shift change which means that teams change again. Sadly several of our B side guys are going to the other side of the week, and normally that just means that you don’t see them for 6 months. But, here is where the stubborn redhead in me will take over. I refuse to lose anyone that I have spent 6 months getting closer to, so we will simply have to make adjustments to our get togethers to make sure that none of our little family is left out of all of them. it won’t be as often perhaps, but there is no just letting go of people for 6 months. This is one member that won’t allow that to happen!

Flabbergasted

That is the only word I can use to describe how I feel right now. I was just given the information from someone important to me in my life that someone in their life, essentially hates me. Not just dislikes me, but actually hates me, and in hearing their conversation relayed to me, she is actually hateful towards me. For what you might ask? For being friends with him. She is no one to me, I owe her nothing, no loyalty, no friendship, no support, and certainly no respect. But this bothers me, this chafes. I have to let it go, but the fact that this is just one more person in a long line of frickin' women who feel this way is just mind boggling to me. What is frustrating is hearing how my actions and behaviors that are intended to be presented and taken one way, in a very real and genuine sense (i.e. being nice to her and reaching out to her because I know she is important to my friend) was taken as me "f***in with her" and trying to manipulate her. She saw me trying to arrange to sit next to her to make her feel welcome as a maneuver to keep her from talking to someone else. Because of her insecurities and beliefs that I am out to "get" her man (and every other one out in the world apparently) that I must also be jealous of every interaction she has with my friends (of course this is just her projecting her feelings onto me...hate that). Luckily, while I do suffer with some "self" stuff, I don't suffer to the point of such extreme insecurity and ridiculous thought processes as she does. She said I "break up relationships everywhere" So hurtful, and so untrue, and yet she isn't the first, nor will she be the last I suppose. But as much as I don't want it to, or as much as I try to pretend it doesn't, it really bothers me. Because these women who don't like me, simply don't like me because I am another girl...not because they have taken the time to get to know me, and then decide I am not who they want in their lives. That would make more sense, I am more okay with that. I know I can't make everyone happy and I know not everyone is going to like me, truly I know and accept that. But to have such strong negative feelings towards me without even knowing who I am, what makes me me, that all I am is a threat of some kind, and of course this threat is imagined. It has been every time. I realize now that this has been an issue for quite some time and has created significant amounts of wreckage starting back with my relationship with my brother in law. This of course made me realize even more that this is why I gravitate towards guys, which of course in turn, only adds to the issue. Women are so much drama, and their insecurities only radiate out to affect those around them (this is precluding all of you ladies who are important to me and know you are!). It is such a deeply frustrating issue, and one that is so ridiculous that I am as I stated above, just...flabbergasted that not only does it exist, but that it continues to exist in my life, and continues to plague me. Not simply skirt around the edges of my life and then bounce off in a different direction...but actually plagues me. I just want some peace. Please.

Off

Ever just have one of those off days? Where you just aren’t comfortable in your own skin? Where you feel like you are just kind of lost? Drifting through the day in a kind of fog not knowing why you feel that way or how to pull yourself out of it, just that it sucks? Right on the verge of breaking down at any given moment? That is my day today, and two days ago. Don’t like ‘em. It makes everything harder, more of a struggle. And right now, I do not need anything else to enhance the struggle.

The best thing to do is of course figure out why I feel like this. I know that everyone has their off days. And sometimes there isn’t a rhyme or reason for them, they just happen. But I feel like there is something behind mine. That a good night’s sleep won’t just make it all better. I think my feeling comes from feeling pulled. The more I think about it, the more that seems to be verified. I feel like I am being pulled in many different directions all at one time. My wants/needs/desires/responsibilities/wishes/duties/hopes/struggles are all pulling at me, and not all of them are necessarily clear to me, so I am not really able to weed through them and discern what I need to do to stop their specific pull.

Being on graves, I feel extremely disconnected from the world in general, and even more so with those in my life that I love and care about. My desire to be there for them and more importantly with them hasn’t changed, but my ability to do so has, and that bothers me quite significantly. Texting and instant messaging them just doesn’t cut it, I can’t provide the support I want to, and my ability to truly engage in their lives is dramatically reduced. This brings me a heavy heart because telling them I wish I could do more and be there for them more is obviously not the same as actually being there and doing more for them. Seems like a random break off of the first part of my post, but I think this issue comes into play with how I am feeling as my friends and family have always been the most important things in my life. Perhaps too I am going through a bit of a grieving process for the loss of my previously existing relationships. Not that I don’t have them anymore, just that they are in transition and are changing due to the necessity of circumstance. And as I have mentioned in previous blog posts any change (even good) still comes with loss. So the massive amount of change all at once I think is perhaps revealing itself in my “offness”

So the healthy response would be to take the time to take it all in, allow myself to experience the loss and the grief, figure out what/if I need to do to bring resolution and then start to let go and look forward to what the changes will bring. Or ask for help from a Higher Power for what the changes will bring.

Ah yes, the healthy response, now the question is…will I do said response? Hmm, I may have to think on that one… :) Knowing the pain of what I would be walking into in order to enact said healthy response makes it hard to take those steps towards it. In time perhaps.

No matter what I choose to do, I am pretty sure that the pull from many different directions will continue, we all experience that in our lives. I think though that the hope is to not let the pull and the struggle that results from so many things actually pull you down. It is the fight to continue on despite the struggle that is important, not necessarily the struggle itself (this is of course not to discount the importance of identifying and addressing the source of the struggle).

Writing all of this out has of course been very helpful, and I feel some of the weight of my offness today has been lifted. The struggle and now the newly realized need to process some grief remains of course so...now I know, but I will defer to GI Joe in this case for some words of wisdom… “and knowing is half the battle*”


*technically I think this is complete BS, knowing is not half the battle, taking action on the knowledge should definitely be a bigger percentage, but I digress and will leave that for another day. :)

I just had to share my wonderful couple of hours that I had today thanks to a couple of my boys. I have recently shifted into the nightshift for the entire month of May to cover for the normal dispatcher while she is at Dispatch Academy. I get to take part in that joy later this year. :p Anywho, I am covering her shift and I love the guys on that shift, don't get me wrong. Two of them are my original team and one of them is just one of those people I really connect with, so they are great. But I don't get to see my boys from my shift anymore except in passing during the changing of the guard. So one of my boys, P, called and said he wanted to go out and play tennis with me and W. Now, I was on the tennis team in highschool, but that was 10 frickin years ago, and my skills are more than a bit rusty. I was definitely very concerned about embarrassing the crap out of myself. But it sounded like fun, so we got it all arranged and so today at high noon we met at the local tennis courts.

Then the fun really started. P and me were the only ones there for the first hour. We had a good time rallying back and forth, definitely getting sweaty running around the court. Which technically if you are both good, you shouldn't have to do all that much running if you are just rallying, so our significant level of activity and sweat indicated that perhaps both of us were not as good as we could be. However, we were having a good time, and P assures me that although I am not amazingly skilled nor have the power of a male partner, that he was having fun. And I think I can say with some confidence that we had some pretty good rallying and we each hit some pretty terrible shots as well. Then MM showed up with his complete BS about having never played tennis before and blah blah, and of course basically kicked the crap out of Paul and I. And he was wearing flipflops. And he had his 18month old daughter there that he had to watch. Which was kind of amusing because P seemed to have mentally drawn a target on her because almost every one of his shots almost hit her. Good news is: no one got hurt. Oh wait, I did. Like when a shot of W's bounced off the fence and hit my neck, and when I hit a ball and it bounced funny and hit my own head. That's right folks, I hit my own dang head. Reminds me of the days when I hit my own tennis partner in the back with a tennis ball (sorry Hels!). Which then only reminds me of so many other hilarious moments from LHS tennis. So, so many. But I digress. Then W showed up and despite all his claims to have previously played alot and well, he showed his real skill level. Which was hilariously not great!!! Although he did show improvement as time went on in the day.

There was so much trash talking, bad ball hitting, ridiculous laughing, and some sweet shots thrown in that made it some of the most fun couple of hours I have had in a long time. And so very much needed at this point in my life. I was sweaty, tired, sunburned, and I have a gnarly blister on my thumb, but all of that was totally worth just the pure and simple fun that was had today. And the great thing is that they want to do it again next week! :)

Little Moments...

When did being an adult become so complicated? When I was younger I had visions of staying up late, eating ice cream for dinner, just getting to do what I wanted without having to worry about much of anything that my parents always seemed to worry about. Life was filled with the possibilities of “Do” instead of the kid filled world of “Don’t” Now I sit here living my adult life and I sometimes find myself standing back, looking at it from a distance and thinking “is this really my life?” it’s not a negative or positive question really, more of a neutral observational question but it makes me pontificaty *and I just made it a word, so don’t even ask* how many of us are where we thought we would be when we were looking forward as kids, as teens, young adults, and heck even when we graduated college. Almost everything about my life is different than what I would have pictured it. Again, not necessarily in a negative way, just different. Did I ever, ever, even think that I would become a dispatcher for a police department? Heck no! But now that I am, I wonder what was I doing with myself before this. I slipped in here so easily and it is such a good fit I wonder why I wasted so much time doing other things. But then I have to look at that train of thought and accept that everything that was done in life, the good and the bad has led me to this point, to get here I had to go through…everything else. Such a strange thought sometimes because that idea gets so big when I really start to consider all the implications of that. It also kind of peeves me to think about that to get here did I really have to go through 2 years at a job that gave me my very first anxiety attack and subsequent anxiety issues? Did I really have to go through not making enough money, dealing with drama, dealing with struggle and pain? And of course the answer is yes, I did. Going through all that is what made me who I am today, that growth was necessary, that struggle, and even the good times were all required to put me here today, and that goes for all the moments in my life, not just the last couple of jobs of course.

A friend of mine was talking about a car accident he was in and how he was within 1 second, and a ½” away from dying in the accident, but instead he walked away unharmed. Seriously shaken up, but essentially unharmed. Which made him think about everything he did that day that led to that moment…that exact moment. When he went to the bathroom, how long it took to get in the car and buckle up, going the exact speed he was going, pausing at a random moment for no real reason, stopping to talk to a friend, all of those moments led up to the one that kept him alive instead of killing him instantly.

This concept works well in recovery too. There is so much that you learn about yourself and how you cope, interact with others, handle emotions, deal with life, learn boundaries, moderation, how to have healthy relationships, the ability to stop before acting, the ability to not only know what your feeling but how to handle it in a healthy way, the list goes on. But to have gotten to this knowledge and understanding and the changes we have made in our lives because of them, we had to go through our darkest moments in our addiction first. We had to hit bottom, and then begin our recovery in order to reach whatever healthiest point we then come to in our lives. It is all process, bummer is that the process is exhausting and can be painful, but your hope always is to reach the other side lighter and with more than you had before.

Remembering all of this is of course the trick. That whatever I am going through now, both good and bad are all part of the process to continue to make me who I am and who I will be. What the future holds for me at this point, I don’t know. I don’t think I have ever had less of a plan for my life than I do now. It’s frustrating as I am such a controlling planner…I mean, organized and efficient ;) In my opinion this lack of knowledge, planning and vision does affect how I feel about what I am doing now. It takes some of the oomph and investment out of what I am currently doing because I don’t know where it is going. This is also a hard thing for me to adjust to and handle because where does that energy go? Right now it is definitely funneled into work, the only thing that I see as a consistent presence in my life (other than those of you who love me and support me, I know this!), which is a very good thing since I like it so much! So on goes my process, my piecing together of moments, all culminating and building to my next moment of discovery, and then it begins all over again. Wait…does it ever stop? Just thinking about that makes me tired, so I won’t…the best way to deal with things. Right? Right? Sigh. Back to work, which is okay cause me likey! :)