Huzzah!

The stuff life is made of

2009-09-17T20:39:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, let’s get these blog writing muscles stretched and loosened up. It’s been far too long, and there is quite a good reason for it, but that shall be addressed at a later date. Today, we will be recounting another fabulous trip up north to join the other amazing redheads in the family and just let myself have a good ol time.

Now, the flight up there is never an eventful one, it is a short one, and makes for easy travel. What I found unique in this one was that we somehow managed to arrive in Seattle 30mins early. My question is how do they do that? how are they not just able to do that every time. I get the whole “headwinds” “tailwinds” blah blah blah thing, but that early? Highly suspect if you ask me.

Lucky for me, Nora only lives a few minutes away from the airport, so it was no big deal. She arrived, we embraced, electrons were ignited all around us, which might sound odd to some of you. for those that it does, you are clearly not a ginger, this is a normal occurrence when two gingers make contact. It’s a very special thing, which is why you don’t see a lot of couples that are made up of two gingers. It would almost be too much electricity for all the normies in the world to handle. It would overpower you. back to the story, i arrived and exclaimed at their lush lawn that has really come into its own since I was there last and walked into a home that I am now becoming quite familiar with, and quite comfortable. This could possibly mean a superfluous houseguest in their future, but really, when could I ever be considered superfluous rather than just completely necessary?

And there he was…Uncle Ben. Sitting in all his glory in his gray sweatshirt, and paint stained grey sweatpants. I had actually considered the possibility that they had let a stray in and he was squatting in the home, but then I saw his big goofy grin and I knew, it was the uncle. I was then told the good news, I would not have to sleep on the air mattress this time (which was good news, despite my unadulterated enjoyment of it last time), but I would get to sleep in Zoie’s room. My first thought was, “how nice, they booted Zoie out of her room for me, about time” but then I was informed that she was actually visiting her mom, so the room would be mine for my visit. But the very best part was the fact that my bed was in a nook. That’s right, an actual nook. Which meant it was almost like sleeping in a fort. It was just that good.

On a side note, much to my delight, the weather in Seattle was delightful! It was rainy and cold…perfect! Although having been in Scotts Valley, Livermore and Texas recently, I was assuming that perhaps it was just as hot everywhere else in the world. Cause yes, I am just that egocentric that whatever I am experiencing, everyone else is too. Luckily by divine intervention, I threw in one pair of pants and a sweater. I paused at the idea of wearing only one pair of pants for the weekend, but the sight of Uncle Ben and his homage to high fashion put my fears at ease.

We then enjoyed each other’s company whilst we waited for the third member of the Ginger Trinity to join us. Our butts made cozy imprints in the couch much of the weekend, which was just fine. We were also highly entertained by the energetic, incorrigible, insatiable, unstoppable, unquietable, and extremely intelligent Avery Louise. This child has a mix of fiendish trickery and childish innocence in her face. She certainly cannot be accused of never knowing what she wants. She knows it and she wants it ten minutes before she asks for it (or takes it, as the case may be). There is essentially not a moment of silence that exists while Avery is awake, but thankfully for at least part of the time she is speaking gibberish which means she doesn’t yet need interaction from you while she speaks it, just the usual head nod, and the higher pitched “oh really” and “uh huh” that all of us adults do to little munchkins. There are those moments that are few and far between where she actually climbs into your lap, sits still (for the most part) and lets you snuggle with her, her head tucked under your chin, just at rest for a moment. I was able to get a few of those moments, and they were delightful. She is also very free and easy with her kisses, which is great, but watch out mommy and daddy for when she gets older!

Once our triumvirate was completed, the three of us gals headed out for a bit to eat and a chat. We went to a restaurant that we quite enjoyed, but any boy in the world would have hated. Small but delicious food, perfect for grazing while talking, and good but extremely strong drinks. Despite the strong drinks, there will be no crazy drinking stories to follow, all three ladies conducted themselves as such. Lots of catching up, revisiting some past times, constant turning away of the waiters who wanted to steal the rest of our little food, some light mocking, and the intermittent pause to truly appreciate the piano player with the gentlemanly top hat that for some reason every once in a while would tickle those ivories a little harder than truly necessary. Especially since there were only about 6 of us in the restaurant to absorb the sound. Onto a tasty dessert, and then some pictures to capture the moment. The waitress took a couple of great ones, I then realized I had no memory card in the camera, and all her efforts were in vain. Thus, I put in the card, and proceeded to utilize the self timer and took one perfectly normal picture (as normal as the three of us together can be) and then we took a more appropriate picture. Not appropriate as in what would be considered socially appropriate, just more après pos to our personalities. We then headed home to the boys who were so patiently and anticipatorily awaiting our return. Due to the fact that I had been up for 36 hours with only two hours of sleep, I wished my fellow trouble makers sweet dreams and retreated to my fort where I got to fall asleep to the always wonderful and comforting sounds of the rain outside.

Sunday morning brought more rain, and lower temps, but high spirits. Haha. Cheesy line, but im keeping it. I awoke to the sounds of Avery calling out “mommy, mommy, mom-my, MOM-my, mom-MY, MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY” simply charming. My fort, while cool, did not block out the sounds of an eager child ready to get up and face the day. But that was perfectly okay, she’s my first cousin, we are just 28 years apart, but what does age matter when it comes to family? And she does have just that hint, that touch of red in her hair, just enough to make that special connection that only those with red on the head can know. The family all headed out for breakfast which was enjoyed by all. Although Caroline now knows to not order Huevos Rancheros without the Huevos. We then all piled into the car and took a trip to the local grocer for the makings of Nora’s chili. Both red and white, it was a festival of chili-goodness. I felt very Santa Cruzian running through the parking lot in the rain in my flipflops. Water washing over my barefeet as I slipslapped my way across the puddles. I think the saying goes, You can take a girl out of California…

Once that adventure was completed, back home to make said chili. Nora put me in charge of the cornbread, which really was a magnificent creation of culinary delight. I worked really hard to open the bag, dump the mix into a bowl, add water and stir. But wait! There’s more! I also greased up the baking pan…with a paper towel and butter. It was a good throw back to when I was a kid and my mom used to grease the pans with Crisco. Anyone wonder why I was a chubby kid? Me neither. ;) so I contributed my efforts to the grandness of the meal, which really I felt was more than enough payback for letting me stay there. I mean I made two batches of it! We won’t talk about the fact that for some reason some unknown person turned off the oven without telling me before I put in the second pan, and thus caused confusion in regards to the duration of cooking time needed for batch #2. As culinary magic was being made, Uncle Jere and Grandpa Jon joined the soiree and more family time and catching up were had. Good food, family and my special cornbread, what more could anyone ask for? *sidenote from this Californian – whilst walking outside in the mud/puddles, try not to wear flipflops. Because they do exactly what their name says. They flipped water all up the back of my pants legs. Good times*

There was no question once our meal was completed that the culmination of said meal would occur once we had procured a delectable cupcake from the nearby confectionary merchant. I enjoyed a Key Lime/Coconut. Tasty. More imprinting on the couches, and then we load up once again and head out on the road for a destination about 70mins away. What could this far away destination be you ask? An amusement park? A breathtaking view? The presence of some spiritual being within a cave? If you guess any of these, you would be wrong. It’s okay, happens to the best of us. Well, to you, Im never wrong, but I digress. We were taking Grandpa Jon to his Square Dancing event. Yep. That’s right, Square Dancing. Remember learning how to do some of that in like 4th grade? Yeah me neither, but I was assured I did learn. When you think of Square Dancing, or at least when I do, I think big poofy skirts, guys in jeans and funny printed shirts, doe-si-doeing and looking like a big pile of people all mashed together in the middle of the dance floor. And no shock here, I was right! We went out to this campground that was filled with RVs and everyone migrating to the main building was wearing the poofy skirts, the men matching their ladies with their shirts. You may think, how many people could actually be interested in doing that? And the answer is, apparently a lot. There were about 15 circles (squares?) with 8 people in each one. Plus people sitting on the side. Everyone was having a great time, all smiles, in between each dance there was excited chatter and lots of laughing. But wait! I too could have been a proud owner of one of the skirts and petticoats to poof it out. Sadly I just couldn’t have fit one into my suitcase. Or I would have…for sure… Avery had a great time and wanted to dance with everyone, but the presence of a 2’ little toddler wasn’t very conducive to all the shimmying that was occurring so we sadly had to leave the party. But we left Gramps having a great time, so it wasn’t too hard to tear ourselves away.

Slept the night away soundly once again in my little nook.

The next morning brought another wakening to the burbling of a voice of a little angel. I can say that because I only woke up to her twice. Her parents may have another word for her as they wake up to her every day. We again settled into our imprints and waiting for Caroline’s glowing presence so that we could send me back to California with a proper farewell from the whole fam. And happy day Horia, Caroline’s boy toy came as well. The room was filled with fun, sarcasm, fond insults, and the comfort only people who just click together and cohesively can feel. **that settles it, im moving to Seattle! Oh wait…dang it** we enjoyed the fruits of nora’s labor – not Avery, she was sleeping – but we all piled into her garden and helped pick the veggies that were ready to be made into something tempting and scrumptious and altogether too healthy for my taste. And when I say help pick the veggies, I mean Caroline did. Ben, Horia and I all stood around watching them and made witty remarks about whatever popped into our heads. Which really I think did help, cause who doesn’t love such things? Once the garden had been plucked to Nora’s satisfaction, we all went back in the house and spilled right out into the back yard where we proceeded to take the parting pictures. The usual hilarity ensued, with the results yielding proof of the simple, unadulterated joy I get from being with these crazy kids.

Then the goodbyes and off to the airport to head home. Landed about 25mins early again, and came back to the reality of my life…but for a brief weekend was able to just let go and have fun and feel completely loved and supported and enjoyed. Amazing feeling.

**pictures to come soon**

Some much needed humor

2009-07-09T02:53:00.000-07:00

Word of caution, some possible language that may offend, otherwise, read and enjoy!

http://wendiaarons.com/2007/03/as-seen-on-mcsweeneysnet.html

Grafted Branches

2009-06-20T13:59:00.000-07:00

In all the hubbub and drama that has been occurring in my life as of late, I am so very happy to get to be able to post about the camping trip I was able to go on with our B side crew. This means everyone that works the second half of the week, both day and nightshift were all able to get together with their families and go camping for a couple of days up at Don Pedro Lake. Everyone left Sunday afternoon, except for me (cause I had to work) and two other people. So we left at 7pm when I got off of work. I swear, camping is supposed to be the simplest type of trip you take, but there is just so much to pack! Although I must admit I am always an overpacker, and I probably could have done just fine with way less. But I do always like to be prepared, cause who knows what you might need?!

We got there in about 3 hours, enjoyed the ride up there despite the fact that I was not driving, I took a little nap to help me with the urge to just push the driver out of the way and take over. I could have gotten us there in 2 hours! :) I enjoyed talking to those I shared the ride up with and once we got there, we found our group and joined in the fun. I must say by the way that getting to the camp site several hours after the others was great because camp and the tents were already set up. Oh yes! That’s the way to do it. so we just had to throw our stuff in the tents and set up our sleeping areas and we were good to just chill with everyone around the fire. All but the three of us had started the fun much earlier in the day and so it was amusing to see them…um, how shall I put this…a little “loose?” okay fine, they were all mostly buzzed if not a little drunk. Since I don’t drink, I am always one of those that gets to just laugh my butt off at those that do. Which I did. Then off to bed…where some more hilarity ensued in our tent. One of our tentmates made sure everyone in the camp knew that his girlfriend doesn’t normally wear pants when she goes to bed. He made sure he told her that at least ten times. It was awesomely hilarious!!

The next morning as is always the way with camping trips, we awoke far too early and thought it was much later than it was. Seriously, always like that with camping trips. So up and out to the campfire and breakfast where I enjoyed the delight of Cinnamon Softee Poppets. See, when I am camping, all my food rules are gone. Basically it is on like Donkey Kong at that point. So donuts for breakfast, chili for lunch, cookies for dinner, smores for dessert, whatever it is all fair game. I discovered the deliciousness of Nutter Butters with peanut butter spread on top with M&Ms on top of that. Oh yes people, do it!

In direct opposition to eating like a pig, it was time to put on the ol’ bathing suit and head out to the boat. We all took turns on the boat as there was about 12-14 of us and only a few could be on the boat, but I got on with the other gingers, Sgt and his lady, and Niki. We got to ride the three person tube, which is awesome because unlike a lot of other tubes, this one doesn’t flip very easily, and trust me Sgt tried his hardest to make it do so. The 30-40mins I spent on that tube going crazy fast and almost tipping basically made the whole trip worth it even if the rest of it had sucked (which it didn’t). I was just laughing the entire time and having pure unadulterated, effortless, stressfree fun. It was amazing! Then we got one of the officers out that is scared of the water, and it was a big step for him to even get into the boat. But thanks to the success of female persuasion, Niki and I were able to get him to get on the tube with promises that he wouldn’t die and that Sgt wouldn’t try and flip him. So he climbed on, got a death grip on the handles and tried to listen to our reassurances that he was okay and that everything would be alright. He did great and I think by the end, even had some fun! At that point we just went back to camp and enjoyed just hanging out, eating (of course) and just enjoying each other’s company. Thanks to the sheer amounts of food I was eating, and that I had to spend the next day in a bathing suit as well, I did make sure to go on a 30min run. And I confirmed something I always knew about myself, I am a gym/treadmill runner, not an outside/elemental runner. Nothing to control my speed, it was hot, there were hills, and I kept breathing in campfire smoke! But whatever, I did it, and I felt good. And I only got made fun of a little bit…

A great night around the campfire and just more relaxing and joking and game playing. Due to the fact that everyone hit it a little strong the night before there was much much less drinking, and thus less amusement for me, but it was still an enjoyable evening. Then on Tuesday friends of one of the officers arrived with their boat and we were able to take both boats and everyone got to go out all at once. The boat I was in didn’t do any “behind the boat” activities, we just tooled around the lake and had a great time doing it. it was an amazing day just relaxing on the boat and hearing stories, and just enjoying the peace of the day.

Essentially I had an amazing and fantastic time and if I could do it every weekend I would. Hands down, I would throw together a bag of stuff and go. I needed it in every way you can need things, and it gave me a chance to be with people that have only ever supported and encouraged me and are a huge part of my life. While camping and boating is always fun, it was the people that made it incredible. I love that I have not a replacement family, but another grafted branch that offers me so much, more than I could have ever hoped for in just “coworkers” We are coming up on shift change which means that teams change again. Sadly several of our B side guys are going to the other side of the week, and normally that just means that you don’t see them for 6 months. But, here is where the stubborn redhead in me will take over. I refuse to lose anyone that I have spent 6 months getting closer to, so we will simply have to make adjustments to our get togethers to make sure that none of our little family is left out of all of them. it won’t be as often perhaps, but there is no just letting go of people for 6 months. This is one member that won’t allow that to happen!

Flabbergasted

2009-05-29T03:20:00.001-07:00

That is the only word I can use to describe how I feel right now. I was just given the information from someone important to me in my life that someone in their life, essentially hates me. Not just dislikes me, but actually hates me, and in hearing their conversation relayed to me, she is actually hateful towards me. For what you might ask? For being friends with him. She is no one to me, I owe her nothing, no loyalty, no friendship, no support, and certainly no respect. But this bothers me, this chafes. I have to let it go, but the fact that this is just one more person in a long line of frickin' women who feel this way is just mind boggling to me. What is frustrating is hearing how my actions and behaviors that are intended to be presented and taken one way, in a very real and genuine sense (i.e. being nice to her and reaching out to her because I know she is important to my friend) was taken as me "f***in with her" and trying to manipulate her. She saw me trying to arrange to sit next to her to make her feel welcome as a maneuver to keep her from talking to someone else. Because of her insecurities and beliefs that I am out to "get" her man (and every other one out in the world apparently) that I must also be jealous of every interaction she has with my friends (of course this is just her projecting her feelings onto me...hate that). Luckily, while I do suffer with some "self" stuff, I don't suffer to the point of such extreme insecurity and ridiculous thought processes as she does. She said I "break up relationships everywhere" So hurtful, and so untrue, and yet she isn't the first, nor will she be the last I suppose. But as much as I don't want it to, or as much as I try to pretend it doesn't, it really bothers me. Because these women who don't like me, simply don't like me because I am another girl...not because they have taken the time to get to know me, and then decide I am not who they want in their lives. That would make more sense, I am more okay with that. I know I can't make everyone happy and I know not everyone is going to like me, truly I know and accept that. But to have such strong negative feelings towards me without even knowing who I am, what makes me me, that all I am is a threat of some kind, and of course this threat is imagined. It has been every time. I realize now that this has been an issue for quite some time and has created significant amounts of wreckage starting back with my relationship with my brother in law. This of course made me realize even more that this is why I gravitate towards guys, which of course in turn, only adds to the issue. Women are so much drama, and their insecurities only radiate out to affect those around them (this is precluding all of you ladies who are important to me and know you are!). It is such a deeply frustrating issue, and one that is so ridiculous that I am as I stated above, just...flabbergasted that not only does it exist, but that it continues to exist in my life, and continues to plague me. Not simply skirt around the edges of my life and then bounce off in a different direction...but actually plagues me. I just want some peace. Please.

Off

2009-05-15T23:24:00.000-07:00

Ever just have one of those off days? Where you just aren’t comfortable in your own skin? Where you feel like you are just kind of lost? Drifting through the day in a kind of fog not knowing why you feel that way or how to pull yourself out of it, just that it sucks? Right on the verge of breaking down at any given moment? That is my day today, and two days ago. Don’t like ‘em. It makes everything harder, more of a struggle. And right now, I do not need anything else to enhance the struggle.

The best thing to do is of course figure out why I feel like this. I know that everyone has their off days. And sometimes there isn’t a rhyme or reason for them, they just happen. But I feel like there is something behind mine. That a good night’s sleep won’t just make it all better. I think my feeling comes from feeling pulled. The more I think about it, the more that seems to be verified. I feel like I am being pulled in many different directions all at one time. My wants/needs/desires/responsibilities/wishes/duties/hopes/struggles are all pulling at me, and not all of them are necessarily clear to me, so I am not really able to weed through them and discern what I need to do to stop their specific pull.

Being on graves, I feel extremely disconnected from the world in general, and even more so with those in my life that I love and care about. My desire to be there for them and more importantly with them hasn’t changed, but my ability to do so has, and that bothers me quite significantly. Texting and instant messaging them just doesn’t cut it, I can’t provide the support I want to, and my ability to truly engage in their lives is dramatically reduced. This brings me a heavy heart because telling them I wish I could do more and be there for them more is obviously not the same as actually being there and doing more for them. Seems like a random break off of the first part of my post, but I think this issue comes into play with how I am feeling as my friends and family have always been the most important things in my life. Perhaps too I am going through a bit of a grieving process for the loss of my previously existing relationships. Not that I don’t have them anymore, just that they are in transition and are changing due to the necessity of circumstance. And as I have mentioned in previous blog posts any change (even good) still comes with loss. So the massive amount of change all at once I think is perhaps revealing itself in my “offness”

So the healthy response would be to take the time to take it all in, allow myself to experience the loss and the grief, figure out what/if I need to do to bring resolution and then start to let go and look forward to what the changes will bring. Or ask for help from a Higher Power for what the changes will bring.

Ah yes, the healthy response, now the question is…will I do said response? Hmm, I may have to think on that one… :) Knowing the pain of what I would be walking into in order to enact said healthy response makes it hard to take those steps towards it. In time perhaps.

No matter what I choose to do, I am pretty sure that the pull from many different directions will continue, we all experience that in our lives. I think though that the hope is to not let the pull and the struggle that results from so many things actually pull you down. It is the fight to continue on despite the struggle that is important, not necessarily the struggle itself (this is of course not to discount the importance of identifying and addressing the source of the struggle).

Writing all of this out has of course been very helpful, and I feel some of the weight of my offness today has been lifted. The struggle and now the newly realized need to process some grief remains of course so...now I know, but I will defer to GI Joe in this case for some words of wisdom… “and knowing is half the battle*”

*technically I think this is complete BS, knowing is not half the battle, taking action on the knowledge should definitely be a bigger percentage, but I digress and will leave that for another day. :)

2009-05-04T23:48:00.000-07:00

I just had to share my wonderful couple of hours that I had today thanks to a couple of my boys. I have recently shifted into the nightshift for the entire month of May to cover for the normal dispatcher while she is at Dispatch Academy. I get to take part in that joy later this year. :p Anywho, I am covering her shift and I love the guys on that shift, don't get me wrong. Two of them are my original team and one of them is just one of those people I really connect with, so they are great. But I don't get to see my boys from my shift anymore except in passing during the changing of the guard. So one of my boys, P, called and said he wanted to go out and play tennis with me and W. Now, I was on the tennis team in highschool, but that was 10 frickin years ago, and my skills are more than a bit rusty. I was definitely very concerned about embarrassing the crap out of myself. But it sounded like fun, so we got it all arranged and so today at high noon we met at the local tennis courts.

Then the fun really started. P and me were the only ones there for the first hour. We had a good time rallying back and forth, definitely getting sweaty running around the court. Which technically if you are both good, you shouldn't have to do all that much running if you are just rallying, so our significant level of activity and sweat indicated that perhaps both of us were not as good as we could be. However, we were having a good time, and P assures me that although I am not amazingly skilled nor have the power of a male partner, that he was having fun. And I think I can say with some confidence that we had some pretty good rallying and we each hit some pretty terrible shots as well. Then MM showed up with his complete BS about having never played tennis before and blah blah, and of course basically kicked the crap out of Paul and I. And he was wearing flipflops. And he had his 18month old daughter there that he had to watch. Which was kind of amusing because P seemed to have mentally drawn a target on her because almost every one of his shots almost hit her. Good news is: no one got hurt. Oh wait, I did. Like when a shot of W's bounced off the fence and hit my neck, and when I hit a ball and it bounced funny and hit my own head. That's right folks, I hit my own dang head. Reminds me of the days when I hit my own tennis partner in the back with a tennis ball (sorry Hels!). Which then only reminds me of so many other hilarious moments from LHS tennis. So, so many. But I digress. Then W showed up and despite all his claims to have previously played alot and well, he showed his real skill level. Which was hilariously not great!!! Although he did show improvement as time went on in the day.

There was so much trash talking, bad ball hitting, ridiculous laughing, and some sweet shots thrown in that made it some of the most fun couple of hours I have had in a long time. And so very much needed at this point in my life. I was sweaty, tired, sunburned, and I have a gnarly blister on my thumb, but all of that was totally worth just the pure and simple fun that was had today. And the great thing is that they want to do it again next week! :)

Little Moments...

2009-04-18T11:42:00.000-07:00

When did being an adult become so complicated? When I was younger I had visions of staying up late, eating ice cream for dinner, just getting to do what I wanted without having to worry about much of anything that my parents always seemed to worry about. Life was filled with the possibilities of “Do” instead of the kid filled world of “Don’t” Now I sit here living my adult life and I sometimes find myself standing back, looking at it from a distance and thinking “is this really my life?” it’s not a negative or positive question really, more of a neutral observational question but it makes me pontificaty *and I just made it a word, so don’t even ask* how many of us are where we thought we would be when we were looking forward as kids, as teens, young adults, and heck even when we graduated college. Almost everything about my life is different than what I would have pictured it. Again, not necessarily in a negative way, just different. Did I ever, ever, even think that I would become a dispatcher for a police department? Heck no! But now that I am, I wonder what was I doing with myself before this. I slipped in here so easily and it is such a good fit I wonder why I wasted so much time doing other things. But then I have to look at that train of thought and accept that everything that was done in life, the good and the bad has led me to this point, to get here I had to go through…everything else. Such a strange thought sometimes because that idea gets so big when I really start to consider all the implications of that. It also kind of peeves me to think about that to get here did I really have to go through 2 years at a job that gave me my very first anxiety attack and subsequent anxiety issues? Did I really have to go through not making enough money, dealing with drama, dealing with struggle and pain? And of course the answer is yes, I did. Going through all that is what made me who I am today, that growth was necessary, that struggle, and even the good times were all required to put me here today, and that goes for all the moments in my life, not just the last couple of jobs of course.

A friend of mine was talking about a car accident he was in and how he was within 1 second, and a ½” away from dying in the accident, but instead he walked away unharmed. Seriously shaken up, but essentially unharmed. Which made him think about everything he did that day that led to that moment…that exact moment. When he went to the bathroom, how long it took to get in the car and buckle up, going the exact speed he was going, pausing at a random moment for no real reason, stopping to talk to a friend, all of those moments led up to the one that kept him alive instead of killing him instantly.

This concept works well in recovery too. There is so much that you learn about yourself and how you cope, interact with others, handle emotions, deal with life, learn boundaries, moderation, how to have healthy relationships, the ability to stop before acting, the ability to not only know what your feeling but how to handle it in a healthy way, the list goes on. But to have gotten to this knowledge and understanding and the changes we have made in our lives because of them, we had to go through our darkest moments in our addiction first. We had to hit bottom, and then begin our recovery in order to reach whatever healthiest point we then come to in our lives. It is all process, bummer is that the process is exhausting and can be painful, but your hope always is to reach the other side lighter and with more than you had before.

Remembering all of this is of course the trick. That whatever I am going through now, both good and bad are all part of the process to continue to make me who I am and who I will be. What the future holds for me at this point, I don’t know. I don’t think I have ever had less of a plan for my life than I do now. It’s frustrating as I am such a controlling planner…I mean, organized and efficient ;) In my opinion this lack of knowledge, planning and vision does affect how I feel about what I am doing now. It takes some of the oomph and investment out of what I am currently doing because I don’t know where it is going. This is also a hard thing for me to adjust to and handle because where does that energy go? Right now it is definitely funneled into work, the only thing that I see as a consistent presence in my life (other than those of you who love me and support me, I know this!), which is a very good thing since I like it so much! So on goes my process, my piecing together of moments, all culminating and building to my next moment of discovery, and then it begins all over again. Wait…does it ever stop? Just thinking about that makes me tired, so I won’t…the best way to deal with things. Right? Right? Sigh. Back to work, which is okay cause me likey! :)

Current random thoughts

2009-03-21T15:02:00.000-07:00

I love that I have friends that despite going for lengths of time of not much communication just due to life stuff, when we connect again, it is always as though we haven’t ever had more than 5 minutes away from each other. That’s an amazing thing

I love how much music changes things.

I hate how being a girl instantly makes certain things more difficult. Like being friends with guys. It should be able to happen without having to worry about how you are seen, without having to care about how things look. Just getting to be their friend and them yours, without all the BS that seems to come along with it from other people. Boy and Girl don’t matter, being a good friend is what is important, don’t let your issues and insecurities affect my relationships.

I love that place between asleep and awake when I can still hear what is going on around me, but my thoughts are nonsensical and I feel floaty. The best place for that is in a hammock on a warm, breezy, spring day. Or, if that isn’t an option…in my car during my lunch break as I got to experience yesterday!

I love anticipation of good things. It just makes them that much better. Especially when it is something you are looking forward to, the entire experience is then heightened. Love it!

I wish I could be closer to family. Always. Not just in physical proximity either. I feel like I am missing out on so much of the lives of those I most care about due to not only distance but general busyness.

I am constantly learning new things about myself, some of which I am not sure I want to know. Such as how easy it is to get caught up in old thoughts and behaviors despite spending years working on said thoughts and behaviors. How about learning more about how awesome I am? ;)

I love Cadbury Cream Eggs. Nothing else to say there, just deliciousness pooped out by a bunny.

I like my Bath and Body works Cinnamon lip gloss the best cause it adds a sweet cinnamon taste to my coffee drinks.

I get a lot of delight in my first sip of my Starbucks Caramel Macchiato every morning.

I look forward to the weather getting nice so I can go and walk my favorite loop at Henry Cowell.

I thrive on routine (not new information I know, but this just gets reinforced constantly)

While I get compulsive about what I eat, what I read, what I do, what I listen to, what I like/don’t like, and how I do/eat/listen/read those things until I can’t take them anymore, I am happy to say that when I look back on my life that has never occurred with people, those are my constants. And those who have been my constants for so many years (you know who you are), you are right up there with things I consider being the most important things in my life.

I love that I get to work somewhere that I look forward to going to; I know quite well that it is a luxury that not many get to experience.

I love laughing, and I am lucky that I get to laugh a lot, and that there are many people that bring me that wonderful joy.

I am wondering what my next tattoo should be…tee hee

Calvin and Hobbes? Always funny. Always.

I have higher expectations for food than I do for people.

I love physical touch (don’t be dirty people), cuddling, snuggling, hand holding, play fighting, head on the shoulder, hugging, it is all about just being close and having some kind of physical proximity. And since it doesn’t have to be dirty…I feel this way about family, friends, etc and it drives me crazy that I have to be careful about who it is I engage with in this expression of affection because of societal pressures.

Love bantering, sarcasm is my constant companion, it’s all about having the last word, if you can’t make them love you, make them laugh

I love buying things for people. I buy way more for other people than I do for me. It brings me much joy to give gifts.

I hate being bored, really really hate it.

Whenever I try to connect to my emotions in order to be healthy and well rounded, it backfires on me…often. I just may have to rethink this whole being “healthy and in touch” with my emotions.

I think everyone should have people in their lives that just thinking about them for even a second brings a genuine smile to their face. I am lucky enough to have several.

Unexplained Calm

2009-03-07T09:08:00.000-08:00

*deep breath in...deep breath out*

I feel...much better lately. Which is a very good thing of course, my only issue with it is I am not exactly sure why I feel better. As my previous post mentioned, I have had the most anxiety the last few weeks that I can remember in my history of having anxiety. I apparently maxed out and then my body/brain decided it was just too dang tired to continue on that path, so they decided to work together and come back down I guess. *shrug* As I mentioned to a friend, I would love to be able to say that it was my mad skills at using all of my recovery and personal tools that I have learned and developed over the years, that would be a not only a great thing, but also a great testimony to the helpfulness of said tools. However, this time, that isn't the case. Not that I didn't attempt to employ everything I knew in aiding me through this, I did. It's just that it didn't really help all that much. But I suppose it goes back to that old saying "don't look a gift horse in the mouth" meaning...don't question it, the worst of it has seemingly passed, and I should just go with it.

Here is where the truly twisted shadow side of me comes out. I kind of miss it. Those who have had to deal with anxiety frequently will most likely understand, but otherwise it is hard to understand why in the world I would miss something that creates so much wreckage in my life. Well, anxiety was helping me as well as hurting me. The adrenaline rush I would get when experiencing the anxiety would make it easier to wake up in the mornings, stay alert through the day, have the energy to workout, give me something to fixate on, think about, divert myself with...and now, I am just tired, almost unmotivated. Biologically this makes perfect sense since I spent the last few weeks dumping my neurochemicals to the point of complete depletion, of course my mind and body are exhausted, it is needing to rebuild its stores of adrenaline, and coping chemicals (our bodies really are amazing and fascinating things). It is more than just being tired of course, it is just that delightfully *tongue-in-cheek* addictive cycle of going from crises to crises to keep us going that is hard to come down off of when things normalize. It is funny because I spent so long without having to even worry about that kind of stuff that to be experiencing it all again only just reiterates my need to always needing to stay on stop of my addictive behaviors and thoughts. And by staying on top of...I of course mean working my Steps around. I am powerless, there is a Power greater than me, and letting it all go to that Higher Power.

And I feel I must take the opportunity to emphasize the fact that besides the odds and ends of my struggles, I am actually doing very well and am very happy with and in my life. I am for the most part content. I have let go of the pressing need that took over much of my life for the past two years (two years this May, so weird), I still love my job despite the odd little annoyances, I have fantastic friends and family that support me and love me, I of course have my endlessly patient husband, my little kitties...the list goes on. So while it helps me very much to deconstruct my thought processes and struggles on here, I know it can at times lend itself to a darker side, but I do believe I gave a disclaimer at the top of my page..."beware" :) I think one of the most significant and important facts through everything is that I am constantly working on what is going on inside of my head. I am not one to wallow, or stew in my stuff. It is always a push, a pressing to move forward and come out on the other side that allows me the freedom to dissect my insane thoughts. I hope that should I ever give off the appearance of wallowing, there will be those in my life that will oh so helpfully nudge (or shove) me along.

I don't need new issues, I have old ones

2009-02-21T11:19:00.000-08:00

Isolating has never really been one of my bigger issues. When I am struggling or something, I talk about it with friends, or I compartmentalize it, possibly never to be heard from again. I am far too social for me to consider isolation. Who will I make sarcastic comments to if I am isolating? It’s just not an efficient use of my humor. I have several friends who when they are going through stuff they isolate completely and don’t have any communication outside of the bare minimum with those in their world. I haven’t ever fully understood it until lately. I feel like I am slowly pulling back more and more and going deeper inside of myself. I have had increased anxiety lately and I am not exactly sure why, but I think that in response to it I have truly begun to isolate. It amazes me just how distracting anxiety can be. I am one of those types of people that if I am sitting too long without doing about 8 things at once, then I must be asleep. I am not one to get lost in my thoughts, which comes from the whole compartmentalization thing, if I think about it then I have to process/deal with it. Meh, I’d rather not, thus I tuck it away (and this is a constant struggle to not do this as I know good and well it isn’t a healthy behavior, it’s not always a given). Lately though I have found myself able to pass significant amounts of time just zoning, and doing nothing else. My anxiety will reach a climax and I will almost have to sit there, stare at a wall and just go over everything in my mind to try and diffuse the extra (and often unwelcome) rushes of adrenaline. The other day I was running, which is an awesome anxiety reliever by the way, and normally the only way I get through my run is by reading the whole time. I am able to set page goals for myself, and pass the time that way, (again, can’t ever just do one thing), but the other night I ran my entire run just staring at a point on the wall and thinking about stuff, not reading more than five pages. WTF?! That doesn’t happen to me…ever.

I haven’t talked to people like I normally do; not nearly as much texts, emails, phone calls, never mind personal face to face contact. It isn’t as though I haven’t wanted to, but I feel almost immobilized when I try to. I feel like I have so much going on inside my head but not really knowing what it is that how can I talk to people about what is going on? So I find myself pulling back, and when I do make contact, I feel totally disconnected from who I am talking to. I answer in vague generalities, again, not in an attempt to hide anything or be dishonest, but just because I don’t really know what is going on. Are new things trying to come to the surface to be looked at and dealt with? are old things trying to resurface and I am just not doing a good job of using the tools I have to deal with them? I really don’t know, but what doesn’t help is how sucky I feel as a friend, wife, daughter, sister, sister-in-law, youth leader, church member, counselor…the list of additional reasons to feel guilty just goes on. And what makes me feel better? Not much, I guess. Running helps, I am just lucky that is one thing I am not compulsive about or I might have another problem on my hands. Luckily my inherent laziness and lack of desire to push myself comes into play to balance it out. Talking does help, but therein lies the problem, isolation and sharing don’t really work cohesively. It is weird though, I don’t feel lonely, I don’t feel all alone in this world, I happen to know I have many people who are more than willing to listen and offer anything I need, so it’s not like I feel depressed, alone, sad etc. it is more the absence of any feeling other than anxiety, the complete disconnect that I feel that is causing my isolation problem.

Sigh. So what now? When will it go away? What do I need to do to make it go away? How can I keep it from leading to triggering all my myriad other issues? Well, frick, if I had all these answers I wouldn’t be needing to write this out and try and figure it out! Silly me. So I will keep trying to figure it out, deal with it, and push my way through it. I apologize for those of you who are affected by it, I promise it’s just temporary…at least I hope so.

An Ignored Beginning

2009-02-12T16:41:00.000-08:00

Another beginning, another possibility...but this time no phone calls were made, deliberately. Wonder what that means...

Slippery Slope

2009-02-12T16:35:00.000-08:00

Having been working for the police department now for about 6 months, I have discovered a slightly disheartening new characteristic about myself. My vocabulary has taken a decidedly sideways turn and I wouldn’t say expanded, but perhaps a better word for it would be downgraded so that words I wouldn’t have ever said before come more readily to my mind and sometimes to my actual speech. It didn’t take long, and we don’t even have that many cops who are superfluous with swearwords in their language, so I can only imagine how bad it would be if I worked somewhere less wholesome than SVPD. It was just something funny to me, but the more I think about it, the more an old and rather simple idea gets reinforced, it is easier to be pulled down than to pull others up. Not the most astounding and revolutionary idea I know, but one that then took me down a trail of thoughts leading me to my faith. It is a struggle to do what is right. It isn’t easy, for me to sit back and rest on the fact that I am a Christian and therefore I automatically know and therefore do the right thing means that I will find myself in some serious trouble. This actually takes work! I struggle with this often I think because I was raised in the church and can’t remember a time when I didn’t believe, so I feel like my faith is so deeply engrained in me, that it is no longer something distinctive, but just part of the background noise of my life. Which makes me wonder, what will happen when something – anything really – comes along that is louder than the “white noise” I have let my faith become? Chances are good I will follow that siren song because it is just so much easier to be pulled down, especially if I have failed to do the work.

Thing is, we don’t like to think of our faith, our recovery, or our relationship with God as work. We want it to be easy, smooth, and effortless. Isn’t that what we are taught faith should be anyway? the word “just” is put in front of everything “just” believe “just” pray “just” do the right thing. Those can all be very difficult to do sometimes.

Amazingly, I actually looked at some Scripture that I thought speaks to the issue. Ephesians 6, The NASB says “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places” 13Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. 14Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and have put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace 16in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17And take the helmet of Salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God

I like the God’s Word translation for the first verse a little better just to illustrate the point a little better: “This is not a wrestling match against a human opponent. We are wrestling with rulers, authorities, the powers who govern this world of darkness, and spiritual forces that control evil in the heavenly world”

Nothing about those verses indicates a laxity, ease, or gentle action. They are strong verses that indicate the need for work, for effort, for preparing for battle! Not exactly the picture of a background faith that I know I have let happen. This is a picture of something active, something that requires, nay (yes I said nay), actually demands the complete absorption of our entire being. You can’t go into battle with only partial investment, you would lose almost instantly. So why would our spiritual lives, which are apparently in a battle with the darkness of this world, be looked at any differently? It is so easy to get caught up in this world and get dragged down by things that appear to be harmless, and things that eat away at our morality and integrity. My example of my change in language is just a minor one compared to some of the darker compromises that we become so much more willing to make when we have relegated our faith to a backdrop rather than at the forefront of our lives. The sad thing is that we usually wait to hit bottom before we decide it’s time to rethink our priorities. I don’t want to have to hit that in my own life before I recognize the need for change, but I also know that relying on myself to motivate myself is insanity, and sometimes I don’t want to make that change, so I can’t trust myself with that decision. It won’t work, so I have to ask and trust that God will help me make not only that choice, but give me the strength and energy to kick into high gear.

Ginger Convention

2009-01-31T13:12:00.000-08:00

This is a novella - seriously, but I just wanted to make sure I captured every magical moment...

I arrived on Sunday afternoon to Sea-Tac airport with the graceful fall of delicate snowflakes upon my airplane window. "how delightful!" I thought. As I went to step out of the plane from my first row seat, I saw a blur to my right, an 80+year old man was racing up the aisle from who knows which row and jammed right out as the first one off the plane. I figure if you are that focused and determined, then by all means you deserve to be first off. And when you gotta go, you gotta go. It's just a fact. So, I deplaned and got my bag (no ridiculously stupid mishaps with luggage this year)and I look around for the beloved family members that I am coming to visit, just knowing that in high anticipation of my visit they must have arrived hours early, just waiting for a glimpse of me. I saw no one, so I stood cold and lonely near the door to the outside world which was frickin' freezing (which my husband was so kind to point out that it tends to be that when it's snowing)! After what felt like hours, I went out to the curb and there was the car that I had been waiting for, with the family I had been looking for. My Auntie Nora and my little 1st cousin Avery were there to greet me and get us on our way. Nora of course greeted me with excitement and affection (most everyone does) but Avery was a little wary of me. I wasn't sure why, we had met when she was about 6 weeks old, and had some good times as far as I could remember, but I suppose not good enough because she wasn't sure about my presence on the outset. After a little while she did warm up and gave me a gorgeous smile. She has the biggest eyes and looks just like her momma and Aunt Caroline did when they were babies. I love it. I searched (mostly in vain) for any sign of the blessing that is red hair, maybe as she gets older.

Here she is smilin' for the camera.

We then went to the Calvin Casa and Nora and I got a chance to start our catchups of our lives and we were shortly joined by my (creepy) Uncle Ben. Unkie Benny inherited me as his niece when he married Nora, and what a bonus for him! He is a superb uncle, and quite alot of fun actually. He was a bit unkempt and stinky upon our first contact, apparently cause he played a long, hot and sweaty game of soccer...the day before. um, gross.

Here he is, Uncle Ben...

More talking, more catching up and more laughing. Seriously, whenever I visit these wonderful members of my family, we are essentially laughing from beginning to end. But I digress. We then went out to dinner with Ben's parents along with Zoie (Ben's daughter who is 12, and just delightful, also my cousin!). So, for those of you who know me, know good and well that I am an extremely...let's say...picky eater. So Nora was thrilled with the fact that they got to introduce me to Indian food for the first time in my life. I, on the other hand was a bit apprehensive. Indian food had neither quesadillas nor cereal. But I was pleasantly surprised, I enjoyed myself and the company, and I will even admit, the food. And they had bottomless chai, which was absolutely delicious! Zoie had basically gotten about 4 hours of sleep over the previous 24hrs, so she was a little groggy upon our mealtime. Nora asked her if she remembered me (she's 12, Nora, not 3 jk :) and of course she did, but I more or less received a grunt of welcome. Which is fine, as Jeff is more than willing to share, that's all he gets in the mornings when I don't get much sleep. Wait...scratch that, he gets that every morning, no matter how much I sleep. So, her grunt was no skin off my back. Accepted. At dinner I thought I would try again and asked her what she liked to eat at this particular restaurant. "Stuff" was the answer I got. Which amused me actually, she's 12, no biggie. But then, oh glory me, I remembered I saw her holding a Twilight book in the car. I realized I had the biggest weapon in my arsenal, the love of the book series that most of the tween population considers their Bible. So, I asked her one question about Twilight, and basically for the next hour we discussed the ins and outs and who my first, second, third, and fourth favorite characters were in the book and the movie. I believe our close cousinship has been sealed forever. Thank you Edward and Jacob.

Then it was home to drop off the baby, Benny boy and Zoie, and Nora and I went and met with Auntie Caroline (the third and final redhead in our family currently unless Avery decides to see the light). We met at this great coffee shop that had pages of desserts, and we chose two most wisely and enjoyed them together. The three of us then proceeded to regale each other with tales of our life, leading to more talking and most importantly of all, much laughter, much to the chagrin of the other patrons in the restaurant. Our night drawing to a close, we got up to leave, and I excused myself to go to the restroom and went in and as I was...ahem...using it saw written on the stall "I Love Shannon" so I of course proceeded to take a picture of it, verifying, that yes, I am beloved everywhere. Caroline had also told me that someone wrote "Real Vampires Sparkle" on a stall as an homage of course to Twilight. So I wanted to take a picture of that as well, so basically I creepily hung out in the bathroom waiting for the person in that stall to get out so I could go in (despite the fact that they knew I had already been in there and gone) and take a picture of said scrawl. This of course prolonged my bathroom time, thus leaving Nora and Caroline to assume that I chose to use a public restroom for a more significant bathroom experience. I did assure them however, that was the not the case and I was just taking pictures of the stalls, a much less weird action...maybe...okay, not. Then it was off to the Calvin Casa again so that we could sleep.

The three of us redheads

Normally that is where the story of the day would end, but not on this trip. Nora laid out the air mattress for me to blow up with the electric motor while she got me blankets. So I stand there holding down the button, no biggie right? For a normal person maybe, but I was standing there and I noticed the bed wasn't filling up despite my amazing button pressing. So I asked Nora about it and she discovered that I am, in fact, retarded because the hole at the other end of the bed was still open. Once closed, it filled right up. I have my Masters people, this shouldn't be happening! Then Nora and I wrestled her old backpacking sheet onto the mattress, and then she took great pains and care to make my bed up for me, even tucking under the covers and then dousing, yes dousing and not lightly misting, my bed with linen spray. My bed now not only smells delightful, but is also soaking wet. We are both of course hysterically laughing, so no harm no foul. Off to dreamland I go...

The amazing turn down service I received

The delightful linen spray

The next day held a morning that began with me kicking Nora's butt at boxing on the Wii. I played a Mii character that looked like grandpa Jon (her dad) so I believe that she was able to relieve some childhood anger during the game. But she was still no match for me, who randomly flails my arms and hopes I win. Turns out, that works. A little Mario Kart action and we decide to head to Pike's Place Market, a Seattle tourist favorite. Also a great spot for locals to buy fresh seafood, produce and all the possible accoutrement you may need. Such as the belt buckle I bought for Jeff that says "Open for Business" Clearly a necessity. But first it was a stop at the very first Starbucks. I was home. We got ourselves some delightful drinks and I a commemorative photo so I can one day tell my grandchildren where their grandma's addiction came from.

Here I am. Sad they didn't know my name though.

We then proceeded to enjoy the market, bought some flavored honey - which really, is pretty awesome. Should someone walk around with a jar of honey in their hand with a spoon, we would think they were weird. However, if you put some honey in a plastic stick then you just look like you are enjoying a finer part of life while walking through public places. Zoie had a good time buying various items she deemed as pretty and cool and all the fun 12 year old lingo. All was pretty enjoyable and uneventful, until Zoie bought two pieces of jewelry from one of the local vendors. She came up to me after having made her purchase and I asked her what she bought and she said, "a piece of jade and a leaf" hmmm, a leaf? So I then asked to see said leaf, and she pulled out a delightful, tiny little marijuana charm on a silver chain. Ah, that kind of leaf, just what I suspected. So I then of course proceeded to tell her what it was, and called Nora over to us to confirm (because for some reason Nora is in my mind a consummate professional when it comes to identifying marijuana paraphernalia I suppose). She confirmed it and then took it back to the vendor to explain that Zoie had no idea what she was buying. Luckily, he took it back and let her pick something else out. From there we went and bought some lunch, we went a place that served Pho. Nora was excited to learn I had never had it and that she got to introduce me to yet another food item I had never tried. I actually quite enjoyed it, so she was 2 for 2 at this point. We also stopped and got some super delicious cupcakes for dessert that night. Basically my days had revolved around going from one food or drink item to the next, essentially - the best kind of days! Headed home from there, took a little nap while the baby played in the kitchen with various cleaning fluids...wait, I mean while she also took a nap. Took it easy the rest of the afternoon, which was quite nice. I love getting to go up there and after all the catch up is done, the fun and enjoyment doesn't stop, but we are able to slip into the mode where we can just chill and hang out with each other, which is something I most definitely wish could happen so much more.

Nap Time

Our evening then began as Uncle Jere arrived from Oregon, then Caroline, Grandpa Jon, and Uncle Ben came home and the party started. Nora made us a fabulous meal that would rival Rachel Ray's best, and we all helped her by standing around and talking to each other and playing with the baby of course. We took our jobs as helpers very seriously. It was great having everyone that I never get to see all in one place, just enjoying each others company, making fun of each other (some families hug as a sign of affection, we mock) and generally having a good time. Dinner was enjoyed and cleared and then the night's entertainment truly began. Avery wanted to crawl on the table, and whatever baby wants, baby gets of course (parents and future parents take note). Avery loves to dance and we obliged her by providing her a beat by slapping our hands on the table and she proceeded to dance, and dance, and dance. It was so ridiculously cute and funny that this little 13month old baby had 6 adults in tears and beating a table continuously so she could carry on. I got lots of fun video, which I will include, one even with my Uncle Jere (who is not known to just bust out in random dancing) doing his best to keep up with Avery's grooves.
Avery dancing for us

Letting her do whatever she wants
Helping in the kitchen, obviously

Avery and Uncle Jere

My final evening in Seattle wrapped up with Jelly Belly candy, cheetos puffs, Simpsons, a goodbye to Caroline which included several pictures. One in which I appear to be molesting her, but don't worry, no redheads were harmed in the taking of said pictures. Caroline's boy toy went to take our picture and we all posed as we have all been trained to do, but instead of a flash and a click, it turns out he was taking a little video. So basically we just looked really stupid on the video, but nothing new there. The three of us (and Amy as well) have been looking silly on videos since we were little. Ask me about the jacuzzi video sometime, it's a doozy!

This is being submitted for the Parents of the Year Award. I think they have a good chance

Tuesday morning brought a beautiful dusting of snow on everything and us back to another Starbucks; because Nora really knows how to take care of her guests and we discovered a talent in Avery for eating bananas. It will be a talent that will not be cultivated I am quite sure. We had a delightful time shopping for baby type foods. It was something that had to be very carefully chosen by Nora as apparently Ben tends to enjoy the same foods that Avery does. So we found baby sized options that will deter even Uncle Ben and headed back home. Avery went down for a nappie poo, and we settled into watch the movie Persopolis. Uncle Ben came home early because he used the excuse "I have to see my niece before she leaves for home" I don't believe anyone bothered to ask him just how old his niece was, which I think is for the better. Ben then sent me off with an original song on his guitar. I thoroughly enjoyed it, although from the look on Avery's face in the picture, I don't know if she did...

Basically, I had a super fabulous wonderful awesome amazing time, and I really really really (infiniti) wished I lived closer to this fantastic part of my family. Thank you Auntie Nora, Uncle Ben, Cuz Zoie, and Cuz Avery for your hospitality!! I have so much fun with all of you!!

A nice change of pace

2009-01-24T18:39:00.000-08:00

Ever feel like things are so happy and good that you wonder when the rug will get pulled out from under you? I can’t help but feel that way about work at this point. And who really ever gets to say that about their work? That’s one of the problems too, I don’t understand how it can be normal that I enjoy my work so much. And the fact that I actually enjoy all of the people that I work with. some of them, quite a bit actually. Despite my increased efforts over the last ten years to not make any new friends, I have made quite a few here at work. I feel very lucky to have connected to those that I have. One has brought a smile to my face almost since the first few days of my working here. I laugh more than once every single work day, oftentimes, it is much more than that, and full real laughter. Not that polite office laughter, but laughing to the point where my superiors might actually think I am not doing any real work (shhh, don’t tell them, but sometimes I’m not…like now) How do I reconcile this idea of such utter enjoyment at work with the common notions and ideas of what I know work to be. And how janky is it that feeling good about and at my work makes me feel apprehensive rather than just happy. I feel appreciated, I feel challenged, I feel like I belong to something bigger, and that I can only get better from here. It is refreshing to feel this way, hopefully I can just enjoy and not always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Shift Change

2009-01-17T10:03:00.000-08:00

This is my last Saturday with my guys. And yes, they are MY guys. I have been with this team almost since I started here at the PD and I have so much fun with them and will miss them very much when the shift change occurs. I will stay on the same work days but have an entirely new team. I am totally fine with the guys I am going to have for the next six months (two of them for the next year), they are all very nice and cool and my new Sgt was a dispatcher for ten years, so it will be a great learning environment. But I will still miss my guys.

They have been, from the very beginning, very supportive and patient while I have been learning the ropes. I have passed many a slow hour just hanging out and talking with my officers and getting to know them alot better. A significant moment of happiness for me was when I went out on my own and no longer had my trainer with me (who is good friends with everyone at the PD as she has been here 12years), the officers still came down to talk to me. Why would that matter? Cause that meant that they were not just putting up with me because they really wanted to talk to my trainer, but when she was gone, they still wanted to come and talk to me. Silly, I know, but it was a nice feeling. They have all also expressed the wish that I was going to continue being their dispatcher upon the shift change. A nice feeling for being so new and unlearned, to know that I am still wanted despite my limitations.

I have had so much fun with these guys. Case in point: today we decided to see who could get the most "meows" on the radio. For those who have seen Super Troopers, it is a running gag that they try to slip in the word "meow" wherever they can without someone noticing it. So that's what we have done today. FYI the game has progressed throughout the day and we are all now tied at 2 meows. We are hoping that we are so smooth that Admin doesn't pick it up and kick our butts for it. Meh. When you want to have fun, you just gotta push it sometimes. :)

My Sgt is someone who gives me more positive than negative feedback, even when pointing out or correcting my mistakes. He says he feels safe out in the field with me as his dispatcher and I just can't ask for more than that. Because I have come to like my guys so much that my goal when they go out on calls is to get them there safe, and get them back home safe. Not that if I didn't like them, I would leave them hanging or anything...just my motivation is that much stronger and more personal.

It has been one of the most hectic and busiest days since I started working here, and I have just had so much fun because of the great team I get to work with. I will be sad upon shift change because of what I am losing. It really is a bummer because when an old teammate goes to the other side of the week, you really don't get to see them. But, as I said before, I do look forward to my team to come, and the fun I can have with them. I just love my job and I feel like my team has simply been the frosting on the cake.

****final tally of meows: me - 4, 11 - 2, 13 - 3. I win!****

Random Chance

2009-01-12T19:55:00.000-08:00

That is apparently the technical medical term for why it didn't work AGAIN!!!!

Where to go from here? I am hoping my hens will soon have alot more in common with the shoreline of Alaska. (if you didn't understand that last line of gibberish email me)

Happy Birthday to me!!!

2009-01-06T16:13:00.000-08:00

I received a phone call today from my dad singing "Happy Birthday" to me. For those of you who are familiar with my birthday, you are right, it isn't currently April. No, he was singing Happy "you are a Taylor" Birthday. Every year on January 6th, one or the other of us calls the other and sings and celebrates the year that he adopted me as his very own kidling. When I was younger we would celebrate the event with a cake, not the traditional birthday cake but a cornbread cake. Which is interesting when it has frosting on it, I wouldn't necessarily say it was a bad thing, but given the chance now, I would elect to write the message in honey rather than frosting. Sorry mom, but I have developed more refined tastes. :)

We had lots of family traditions as I was growing up; watching the Sunday night Disney specials (most especially Zorro), having popcorn on Friday nights while watching TGIF, going for walks, camping, etc. But one of the most consistent traditions was anytime my sister and I would leave to go somewhere and my dad was around, as we were walking out the door he would say, "remember, you're a Taylor!" We would always laugh, and say "yeah yeah, whatever dad" This continued for as long as I lived there, so much so that a good friend of mine still says it to me on occasion when we hang up from our phone conversations, it made that much of an impression on her. I don't know if my dad had a deeper reason for giving us that reminder each time we left - reminding us that we were representing the family name, not to forget that we belonged to something bigger than ourselves, that we were a part of a family, a general reminder in case we should find ourselves in an identity crises while shopping at Target, or just a silly thing to say when we left each time. No matter the reason, it became a very comforting thing, and was just expected each time our hands hit the doorknob and my dad was in the general vicinity.

Despite the fact that I am no longer a Taylor (by name anyway), it still pops up every now and then. Mostly when a very special friend of mine yells at me, I get it in exclamation form "TAYLOR!" I can hear it right now in my head, crystal clear. So anytime I am "in trouble" with her, I get my old surname thrown at me, but otherwise I carry around now the much more complicated handle - Rybczynski. I believe it is fairly easy to imagine the response I get when people ask me what my maiden name was after I have to spell my current name for them.

But for me, remembering I am a Taylor is much more than my last name. It means that I had someone take me as his own when he didn't have to. I could have been Shannon Chapman daughter of Dawn, and stepdaughter of Greg Taylor. But I wasn't, I was Shannon Taylor, daughter of Dawn and Greg. I was wanted, I was special, and being a Taylor was my proof. I could have had an entirely different life if I hadn't become a Taylor, but God had another plan, and while there were definitely moments of Greg vs Shannon (the years 13-17 were kind of one big fight - it may come as a big shock to many, but I was kinda mouthy) overall I had a wonderful childhood with parents that loved me and taught me much about life, God, and how to handle the ups and downs that come with life.

So while I can't say I have a normal family (who can? I willfully challenge anyone who thinks they do), I have a wonderful family. And even though my mom and I would probably have made it okay, despite her putting Dr. Pepper in my bottles and thinking that was normal, our little two person family was made complete that January 6th so very long ago *sigh* and then I guess made even more complete May 21, 1983 with the addition of Amy, but that's an entirely other story. :)

Because I know mom went and got you and is making you read this: thanks dad for choosing to become my dad in every sense of the word, you are more my dad then could ever have been determined by DNA. I appreciate you more than I can ever communicate in a conversation or a card, you are a very important and significant influence and part of my life. I can't wait until my kids get to have their own fun (at times trying) but overall wonderful experiences with you. They have alot to learn: social blunder, hiccumupdippy stomach flippy, swail foops, squat rocks, we ain't playin' no school girls here, and all those other sayings that will live on forever. I hope to carry on the tradition of remembering who they are, they will of course have to remember that they are a Rybczynski, which is more of a mouthful, but I hope to carry on the spirit of remembering that they are also a Taylor.

Honest to goodness...goodness

2009-01-01T16:46:00.000-08:00

In all the schlock and crap out there in the current and recent movie options, it is so rare to find ones that are just amazing. I am watching one now that is just incredible. All three in the series were amazing, but the third one is my favorite. I am of course speaking of Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. It's just damn good movie making.

Comemuffins

2008-12-27T17:56:00.001-08:00

As the movie I am watching comes to an end, I realized that everything was tied up nice and tightly at the end. Every character got resolution, every situation ended not only resolved, but resolved positively. Which, to be honest, I like. I cannot stand it when a movie or a book that I am emotionally involved in doesn't end with everything wrapped up. I hate when there is an ambiguous end, when the characters don't get their comeuppance (or comemuffins according to the Simpsons), or I don't get my resolution.

I think I get so much satisfaction in that because I am so far away from that in my own life, which I think many would agree applies to their lives as well. I have so little control over my life and its outcomes, and what happens to me, that I enjoy when something can be clean and neat and controlled tightly. Life is just too messy to ever expect it to occur like that. Nothing goes the way it is supposed to. Well, I take that back, nothing goes the way I often hope/expect it to. I know there are bigger plans, that there is a bigger picture that I can't see. That knowledge helps a bit with the frustration over my lack of control, but of course as I am human, I forget that and often try to find other ways of either trying to control whatever I can around me (just ask Jeff) or ways of dealing with the feeling of powerlessness.

These things manifest themselves in many different ways, which those who know me have grown accustomed to such as dyeing my hair. I tend to dye my hair when I feel restless or anxious about something that I cannot control, so what can I control? My hair color. There are many other manifestations of my struggles, several of which are significant enough in my life that I needed to begin my own recovery around them beginning about 8 years back. Despite the fact that 8 years may sound like a long time, I am still constantly learning and relearning the idea of powerlessness and the freedom and not the paralyzing fear that it brings. Because if I am truly powerless, then what do I have to worry about? It means that if I have no control, Someone Else must have it, and I can let go and let that Someone Else deal with it. I don't have to have anxiety, I don't have to grasp at things that will only either give me temporary satisfaction or make me feel even worse.

Things I know, and yet continue to struggle with. But I think I am okay with that, it is in the struggle that I grow. It's when I stop struggling with it that I think I am in trouble!

Tina you fat lard, come and eat your dinner!

2008-12-27T17:17:00.000-08:00

Where else can you get paid to exchange quotes from Napoleon Dynamite on the MDC (it's the PD version of chatting between the patrol car and dispatch) with one of your officers?

That's right, SVPD!

While I would of course love for each and every day to be packed full of activity, I do also enjoy the quieter times when I can talk and joke around with my officers and my Sgt. And of course exchange funny movie quotes.

All in a day's work people, all in a day's work.

First Day Solo

2008-12-04T12:46:00.000-08:00

Okay, so this is it, my first day on my own as a primary dispatcher. Deep breath. So, honestly, I am pretty freaked out. I had youth group pray not only for me, but for all of Scotts Valley last night. Now don’t get me wrong, I have had wonderful training by wonderful trainers, but there always comes that time when the training wheels are removed and it is time to ride solo. Always sketchy at first. I am just hoping that my first few scrapes and bruises aren’t the lasting type, and that I can keep my officers safe and headed home each night. That is my main concern, the rest is skill building, and I know I will make mistakes, I just don’t wanna. :) Everyone has reassured me that I will be “fine” and I actually have an amazing learning environment so that when I do make mistakes I receive far more positive reinforcement than negative, but that still doesn’t change the fact that I want to do well, not only for those who believe I am where I should be, and myself, but I really feel like this job was a gift from God, and so I want to treat it as such and do my best to kick a** at it. The thing I know I have to remember is that since God gave it to me, I don’t really see Him just taking right back, but just like you still study for a test you prayed for help on, I will still put in the effort to do well as a response to my gratitude.

But please, please, please don’t let me be a continuing member of the “Newbie Curse”

****Really Scotts Valley? I mean, really?****
I get in, first day flying solo, and I am settling in with my usual morning duties (tee hee, I said duties), and we get a call in complaining about a panhandler in front of Starbucks. Scotts Valley really doesn’t like panhandlers, despite the fact that they can technically be there, most people here believe that stuff only belongs in Santa Cruz. So of course we dispatch an officer out there, and my Sgt runs the guys info, and BAM!!! The guy has a warrant. My first ever, did I ever get one in training? No. But 45minutes into my first shift I get one. Well, fine. So that was handled. Then while the guys are out with that detail, a juvenile control detail comes up with a kid yelling and throwing crap and refusing to go to school. So then we have a juvenile in protective custody! All within the first hour of the day. Seriously, what the heck? Doesn’t everyone out there know, I am on the desk, let’s not make waves here people! Our unruly juvenile then decided to go to school, so our officers were nice enough to provide transportation – that’s a fun way to arrive at school – in the back of a cop car. Nothing says cool like a guy with a gun opening the door for you. Ha! Oh Scotts Valley, I know you aren’t as exciting and dangerous as places like Oakland, but I do love you for your silly charm. Although I have to say I really hate that you call 911 to report a lost purse. Other than those bursts of retardedness, I am sure we will get along just fine…hopefully…

I like the guns, the guns that go boom

2008-12-04T11:46:00.000-08:00

I realized I put up the pictures various places, but never wrote about my experience, and I just know everyone has been dying for a written experience they could read, so because I am so magnanimous, I will oblige. :) As this was my first experience with shooting, I didn't really know what to expect, I just knew I wanted to get out there and do this thing! I knew there was alot to learn regarding gun safety, and how to properly handle a weapon, etc, and no disrespect to anyone who is experienced and skilled with said rules/regulations, but I just wanted someone to place the gun in my hand, tell me where to shoot, and let me go for it. And after a brief introduction to the required and I am sure ultimately appreciated, safety rules, Lt Wilson did exactly what I had wanted, gave us guns, and let us shoot. I found that I shot alot better with the heavier gun, hitting each intended target with the allotted bullets. Those balloons and empty soda bottles didn't have a chance. I felt pretty skilled until I saw the pictures later and realized I was standing closer to the targets than I seemed to remember. We then got to shoot with the rifle with a much longer distance between us and the target, I was told to aim for the numbers within the shapes, however due to the fact that I have impaired vision and had no glasses, I didn't even know there were numbers, so I just aimed for the colors. How did I do? Um, well, let's just remember I shot all the balloons with the other gun! Then of course it was time for shooting the automatic weapon, and by "of course" I mean by working for the PD and having such an encouraging and "willing to train dispatchers with all weapons" Lt, we had access to such a fun weapon. We each took a turn and after each automatic round was shot, the observing dispatchers would all burst into spontaneous applause, not only encouraging the dispatcher with the gun, but also expressing their own giddiness at the experience. Which brings me to what I walked away thinking, which was not only "I like shooting guns, I want to do this again" but also just how great a group the SVPD dispatchers are. Everyone was very encouraging and supportive of each other regardless of the target hitting, or not hitting as the case may be, outcome. Each person was cheered for and rooted on by the others, everyone allowed each other their turn without complaint, and the mood was just overall one of camaraderie and fun. This, I think, was the most significant part of the excursion, just realizing how lucky I am to be a part of such a great team. And of course thinking about how as such a great team, we will one day kick Patrols collective butt at shooting!!!

Ebbs and Flows

2008-11-09T19:05:00.000-08:00

Rejection sucks
Loss sucks

Both of which I feel fairly confident anyone would agree with me on. It's hard though because not all rejection and loss is out there for all to see, it isn't always so obvious, thus making it harder to identify and deal with. A relationship doesn't have to end completely for there to be rejection and loss. Both can be experienced with a shift, a change in the relationship dynamic. To go from best to just friends, when someone breaks a trust and you can no longer feel the closeness you once felt, when an unhealthy relationship has ended - despite its unhealthiness, for it to change is to still experience it as loss, someone not needing you as much, not feeling safe with someone anymore, even the hope for a relationship when it doesn't come to fruition - that hope is lost. One of my teachers that I enjoyed most while in school said all change comes with loss, even good changes.

This was a pretty pivotal point for me to realize, not just for my life but of course those that I work with as well in both a counseling and teaching capacity. When change occurs, there is always something lost in order to move onto the next part of the experience. This part of each experience is often overlooked and when good changes occur in life and people don't find them to be as satisfying as they thought they would be, it is often because they miss the fact that they haven't taken the time to acknowledge and process the loss they have experienced.

But I think I have distracted myself. The above point is an important one I think for anyone in their life, not to be overlooked, but what I have been processing lately is the change in several relationships in my life lately, and I have decided it sucks. :p Shifts, changes in dynamic, change in intimacy (no need to get ooky - it just means closeness), changes in direction, etc. Unlike high school, none of these changes are due to any fights or drama, just the natural ebb and flow of life, and the changing needs of people and circumstances. And even though they aren't necessarily done consciously, there is still rejection involved in each of these changes. The changes are not personal attacks, and I know it, but there is still then something of me that is not important enough to keep from the change occuring. The more I write here, the more people I think of that this applies to. And I really don't like it. And I know what I should do about these not so fun feelings...but I have continued to do what I have done with my negative emotions all year...stuff 'em. I have felt nothing really but numbness, so really, I have felt nothing. I tell all the people that I meet with how important knowing, feeling, and processing their emotions is to their recovery, which is so very true, and I continue to struggle to do it myself. I have put so much crap from this year away, I don't really want to think about what would happen if I let it all out. I pity the person nearby when it happens. :) Although if I were to be perfectly honest, it probably won't happen, I have gotten quite good at compartmentalizing, and intellectualizing my emotions. I talk about them, and I talk about what I should be feeling, but I don't actually feel them. It's a neat trick.

Now, don't misunderstand me, I am not writing this as a cry for consolation, merely just as a means to process and be honest with myself and identifying several relationships in my mind that I need to process the changes and areas of loss. I know this is all part of life, it just is one of those not fun parts.

Oh these Yutes...

2008-10-20T17:22:00.000-07:00

Since I am finally starting to emerge from the fog of total immersion job training, I find my brain is able to start thinking about things other than KLI289, license plates, radio verbiage, 10851s, what the H&S5411 code means (ask if you wanna know), how many banks and coffee shops there are in Scotts Valley(the knowledge of the latter I am intimately acquainted with), and so on and so forth. However, this freeing up of some of my headspace is a mixed blessing as it allows me to pontificate on things that I can't just turn to my services manual and get answers for.

I have of late been struggling with the idea of ineffectuality and my lack of ability to hold the hand of and provide step by step help for my youth group. This idea and struggle is not new, not only to me, but also to I believe most people who serve in any type of ministry. However, it is the most current struggle for me as several of my youth are struggling with simply living their day to day life. I would love to take a sweeping look at the group as a whole and just say, "overall I think everything is going good, they will be fine, they are doing just fine" but that would be to foolishly ignore each of them as individuals.

There is my iceberg - she reveals only the tiniest bit of herself to me and the world as a whole, but underneath the surface there is much of herself that she works very hard to hide. She talks about some of the struggles she is going through and some of her secrets, but I know that for each thing she shares there are ten more she doesn't and those are what are going to eat away at her from the inside out. I want to take that pain and that struggle away from her, I want to help her ease that burden that she carries, but I can only help her as much as she lets me. I love her sense of humor and the wisdom beyond her age that she doesn't even know she has.

There is one who on the outside appears to not really have all that much going on in her life outside of school and sports, but when you dig just a little, the sheer amount of stress, anxiety and pressure to perform perfectly to the point of complete and total exhaustion are right there under the surface. She is struggling to try and find herself in this world but can't because she has so many other people telling her who she should be, not to even figure out who she wants to be. I want to just take her out and give her a moment without that stress, without having to perform, but how can I when to spend a few hours with her would only put her more behind in her work and add more stress to her life? I love her randomness and her adaptability.

The one who is beginning to learn what it is really like to be an adult in this funky world. That being an adult actually sucks sometimes when there isn't enough money, not enough hours to work enough to make enough, that being 18 doesn't mean that there is an instant understanding of how the world works, that wisdom is something that (hopefully) comes with age. There is something bigger for her out there, and I desperately hope that life doesn't bog her down and exhaust her before she finds it. I love her energy, faith, and positive outlook on life no matter what happens.

And my last girl, off on her own, completely at the mercy of the outside world, its pressures, its temptations, its pitfalls, and of course all of its possibilities as well. I miss her, and am scared for her, not because of who she is, I love who she is, but because I know this world can be a scary place, and I wish I could protect her from any unnecessary pain or struggle in her faith. But what is so great, and one of the things I love about her is that she would see the challenge life is presenting and absolutely rise to meet it, I just want her to know she doesn't have to do it on her own, that she is not alone, that she not only has me of course, but bigger and better than that, she has God to get her through all of it. I love her questioning nature, her compassion, and her desire to do what is right.

And then there are the boys, ah...the boys. Our boys are special as most boys are, and since I do not meet with them one on one, I have less of a glimpse into their thoughts and struggles, but I know that they have them of course. Learning how to be a man of God in this faithless world with its decaying values is enough of a struggle, never mind the added frustration of just figuring out who they are in life in general. I always hope that they will learn to see what God values and take on those values and can go into the world and become the men that we all want to see the girls we love in our lives, fall in love with and be worthy of.

As one speaker that I still hold in very high regard said...our girls need to be Queens and our boys, Kings. I want to have Queens and Kings in my youth group, and I know that no matter what I do, it all comes down to whatever God is going to do in their lives. It can be frustrating feeling that sense of helplessness and that I am not doing enough, but of course knowing that God is ultimately in control also gives me the greatest freedom. I become free to simply enjoy their presence in my life, doing what I can, and knowing that I am not in charge of their futures, but am grateful that God allows me to be a part of their present. I cannot express the amount of joy I get from this group, they keep me laughing, they keep me young, and of course, they keep me praying...I owe them at least that much.

Perfection

2008-10-12T17:59:00.000-07:00

My Sunday Afternoon:

My Pumpkin Chai

Perfect Crispy Fall Weather

The Delicious Fresh Smell of Redwoods

A Great Book

The Sound of a Train Whistle in the Distance

In Other Words - Heaven

entitlement

2008-10-12T12:11:00.000-07:00

The more time I spend around people, interacting, listening, watching, etc. the more I realize that there is an increasing attitude of entitlement that people carry with them throughout their lives. It of course starts when we are young, and when we can’t get something we want, we declare definitively and often quite loudly “it’s not fair!” thus implying that if things were always fair, we would always get what we want, for the time being I will leave that inherently unwise thought process alone, that’s for another day.

But we often continue this idea that we deserve things in this life, that good things are supposed to come our way because we “deserve it” my question for that is...really? We deserve it? You deserve it? I deserve it? Of course this train of logic often ignores the other half of what we do, the things we deem as bad, we never want to claim we deserve anything related to those behaviors, just the good ones. We reach this fevered pitch defending the idea that we deserve better, that we deserve more, that we don’t deserve what we have, etc. we use this idea of entitlement – that we are somehow owed something in this life – by whom, I am not completely sure, but we use this idea to justify an amazing amount of not only immoral and integrity shattering behaviors and actions, but we continue this amazing sense of entitlement in our relationship with God. We foolishly charge the throne of the King with a list of demands that we feel we have deserved.

This is something I was already thinking about when I started studying the book of Malachi. I came upon the same theme with the Hebrews. They were in exile because they continuously refused to put God first in their lives and so they received the consequences that they had been warned about for generations. In Malachi, some were starting to return to their homeland and were turning God’s covenantal plan for them into a mere formality, something they weren’t even doing all that well even as a formality. Then in the midst of this decidedly backwards behavior they turned to God and asked him where his promises were. The response was not as they had expected;

Malachi 3 “You have wearied the LORD with your words. "How have we wearied him?" you ask. By saying, "All who do evil are good in the eyes of the LORD, and he is pleased with them" or "Where is the God of justice?" "See, I will send my messenger, who will prepare the way before me. Then suddenly the Lord you are seeking will come to his temple; the messenger of the covenant, whom you desire, will come," says the LORD Almighty. 2 But who can endure the day of his coming? Who can stand when he appears? For he will be like a refiner's fire or a launderer's soap. 3 He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; he will purify the Levites and refine them like gold and silver. Then the LORD will have men who will bring offerings in righteousness, 4 and the offerings of Judah and Jerusalem will be acceptable to the LORD, as in days gone by, as in former years. 5 "So I will come near to you for judgment. I will be quick to testify against sorcerers, adulterers and perjurers, against those who defraud laborers of their wages, who oppress the widows and the fatherless, and deprive aliens of justice, but do not fear me," says the LORD Almighty."

The Israelites felt as though they were doing their part (with a rather large helping of denial) and so where was God in doing his? They turned to God and said “hey, we went through all this suffering that you put us through by the way, we deserve to see some justice, we deserve your attention” and God turned around and said, “oh I’ll give you my attention…” and then even goes on to say “I the LORD do not change. So you, O descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed” he is reminding them that they are lucky he is so faithful because they are so faithless. In the book of Malachi the people continue to push God and wonder why they are not getting that they think they deserve not realizing that God in his infinite mercy is keeping them from what they really deserve.

Which is exactly the point, Psalm 103 says, “The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. 9 He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; 10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities”

Because he loves us so deeply God doesn’t treat us the way we deserve, we as humans, because of our inherently selfish nature deserve only one thing, death, it’s harsh, it’s a heavy thought but it is after all, what we all deserve. It is the sin in our lives that is so ingrained in the human experience that it taints everything we do and see. Sin lurks in the background everywhere, taking even our most beautiful accomplishments and marking them, the sin that leads to death.

This idea is throughout Paul’s writings in the book of Romans
Romans 6:23For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord
Romans 7:5For when we were controlled by the sinful nature, the sinful passions aroused by the law were at work in our bodies, so that we bore fruit for death
Romans 8:6The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace

There are many more, but I think I have already gone on too long. This idea of entitlement, of getting what we deserve, it’s a broken, delusional idea that has been happening since humans have been around, and I have no doubt that it will continue. I don’t think a popular saying that most of us know now was known by the Israelites but I think they certainly could have been forewarned had they known it, and I think it is something that in light of their hard learned lesson, we can also consider ourselves warned, “be careful what you wish for because you just might get it” Lucky for us, God isn’t dictated to by human adages and sayings, and I for one am filled with gratitude for that. Just something I have been thinking about...

Nothing Deep

2008-09-13T10:01:00.000-07:00

No real deep thoughts to add, I haven't had the time for any of those! But I know I am remiss in keeping this up, but since I started my new job I have definitely been struggling to do all the things I was able to do before when I could play on the internet all during my work day. Those days are definitely gone! But...I am so very happy at my new job, I just wanted to share that experience at this point.

It has been two full weeks and I am loving it! I have a great trainer, who is actually my age and we get along pretty well I would say, he is a lot of fun and really relaxed, and also has the same sense of humor so I enjoy my time with him. He is also a great trainer and I have learned so much in the last two weeks. I am just wondering when my brain is going to run out of room cause I am just putting in more and more information! He also is really cool about letting me try stuff, on my second day he had me on the radio doing our signoff, and he has really let me, mmm, for lack of a less cheesy phrase, spread my wings the last two weeks. My other trainer is also really great, she has been there about 10 years or so and my supervisor is also awesome. And everyone there has varying degrees of OCD, remarkably I might be the least OCD out of all of them! So me and all my compulsive routines fit in there perfectly!

I am running about a week ahead of schedule in my training, which is cool, and I passed my last two Phase tests with 92 and 97 %s, I do tons of reading and quite a bit of memorizing outside of work, this job truly is the challenge I was needing to keep my brain from turning to mush. Next week we have our annual inspection, so the last few days have been just doing alot of cleaning and busywork, like me putting up all the traffic collisions that happened over an 18 month period with little tiny colored pins. Yes, it was as exciting as it sounds. :p But after inspections, I should get more time on the radio practicing my License Plate checks, and running driver's licenses, etc. They sent me home with a radio scanner so I can listen while I am at home and last night we heard someone get stopped with an open warrant! Yep, these things happen even in lil ol' Scotts Valley. :) But for the most part, it is fairly quiet, small town stuff, nothing like other cities I know, but really I am fine with that, especially for now while I am learning. I have been exhausted at the end of every day and still have lots to do, so other things have been falling by the wayside, sadly mostly my personal contacts with people, but I am hoping as I get the hang of things that it will all balance out. Next week I work 60 hours which will be interesting, my brain might turn into mush for a completely different reason!

I feel like I have been at this job forever, and it has only been two weeks (in a good way of course), so I feel like it truly is the fit I thought it would be, and am excited to keep pushing and keep getting better!

oh and I don't know if it is just coincidence or not, but the arrival of the Pumpkin Spice Latte coincided with the starting of my new job, so my outlook just may be rosier because of it! I love me my PSLs!!!!! :) So with the drink, the fall weather and the new job going so well, I am sitting pretty fat and happy!!

Changes

2008-08-29T10:28:00.000-07:00

Friday was my last day at my old job. Tomorrow is the first day of my new job as Emergency Dispatcher/Clerk I for the Scotts Valley Police Department. I have such a mix of feelings about all of it. Mostly good, starting this job has been a 7 month process, filled with a pretty significant moment of dissapoinment along the way. But mostly it is all good, excited feelings! I am excited for all the new things I will learn, I am so excited for the challenge (I have really been suffering for lack of one lately), I am excited to be a part of something bigger than me, I am excited to have new coworkers that will present entirely new situations (I am sure this one might get old fast, but hopefully not!), I am excited to prove myself - that I am the one that they should have hired first, and that I am the right choice now, I am excited to settle into a job and stay there for a long time getting better at it, and improving myself as I go. I am excited for the changes it will make in my life, and I won't pretend, I am excited about the steady paycheck. :)

But I am also nervous of course, I don't want to fail at this. Each time I have been there in the office, or interacted with my new future coworkers, or told others about this job, I have felt a weird sort of thing, like this is just a good fit. That I will fit the job and it will fit me. I have had others tell me the same thing; so there is the fear of being wrong about that, and dissapointing all of those who believe in me in this job. Even with this little bit of anxiety, honestly, this isn't much of my current state of mind, but it is a niggling thing in the back of my mind, but even with this, I know that this last 7 months of trying to get this job has been guided very much by God. His hand has been in it, even when I didn't get it originally. When I found out I had said, "well the perfect scenario would be that I get a call at the end of the summer, after Mexico, after everything else" and weird how that actually happened! By weird, I of course mean, how Divine. So because I know that there was Divinity involved, there isn't much I need to fear. And there is much for me to be excited about.

Now I just need to figure out how to memorize every street in Scotts Valley...oh yeah, and I need to figure out how to get up so much earlier every day and go from a 4 hour work day to an 8-12 hour work day!!! :)

Home

2008-08-19T18:13:00.000-07:00

Today my grandpa Charlie died.

But that isn't entirely right - that sounds too human, too final, too stony. I will try this again.

Today my grandpa Charlie went home. Today my grandpa Charlie was made complete, the hole that we all feel here on earth, the piece that is missing - the piece that causes the struggle and pain - that piece has been filled for my grandpa. He is now whole. My heart fills with emotion, not of sadness or grief for him but of the joy of knowing that he is in the actual presence of God.

The song I Can Only Imagine has always been meaningful to me because, unlike some, I do not fear my death. I long for the day I can be complete (in a not morbid way) and when I can go home and finally rest. This is the song:

I Can Only Imagine
I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me I can only imagine
I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever Forever worship You
I can only imagine

We here on this earth can only imagine, and right now, this very moment, this is in fact what my grandpa is doing. Standing in the Son. What triumph, what completion, what joy.

I will not attempt to rewrite what has already been written about life and death and the meaning of it all. So many have already done it far better than I ever could. Paul is one of those that I immediately thought of:

2 Timothy: 4:6For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. 7I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 8Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.

Romans 8:The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. 17Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. 18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

There is of course always those that are left behind when people we love go home. We continue on our journey because we have more to do before we are called. This is where I do not have all the answers for what to do, or how to make it easier. My hope and my comfort is in the promises that we have in Christ, for what our final point in our journey will bring us. God has made us humans able to withstand more than we ever think we are able, with His help of course. So the only thing I know to do then for those who are still awaiting the call home is to wait in and trust in God's ultimate desire to have us home with Him, and that He wants only the best for us, and that best is Him.

In every painful moment there are always slivers of hope, of good, of a gift. In this painful moment of my grandpa's death, God gave us many gifts. Amy and Glenn were able to visit two weeks ago and spend time with grandpa before he died, Jeff and I were able to see him on Sunday, my mom was still in California and has been able to be by my grandma's side this whole time, Charlie's daughter was in Livermore when it happened and thus able to be there immediately, my grandma had just placed him in a hospice care hospital - so she did not have to handle his death at home, and I am sure the list could go on. We received grace and mercy even in a moment of sadness. Death is an inevitability for all of us, but our passage and circumstances are not - I am grateful that both were gifts of God's mercy in this situation.

Another song I really like and of course has taken on new meaning:

Your Long Journey (Robert Plant and Allison Krauss)

God's given us years of happiness here
Now we must part
And as the angels come and call for you
The pains of grief tug at my heart

Oh my darling
My darling
My heart breaks as you take your long journey

Oh the days will be empty
The nights so long without you my love
And when God calls for you I'm left alone
But we will meet in heaven above

Oh my darling
My darling
My heart breaks as you take your long journey
Fond memories I'll keep of happy ways
That on earth we trod
And when I come we will walk hand in hand
As one in heaven in the family of God

Oh my darling
My darling
My heart breaks as you take your long journey

I will miss my grandpa, I love him, and I look forward to one day being reunited. Another gift from our loving God.

The message and the messenger

2008-08-09T22:26:00.000-07:00

Some of you may have heard about the recent fire bombings of some of the faculty up at UCSC by the animal rights activists. They actually went to the home of one of the faculty while he and his family were inside of it and firebombed the outside of it. When I heard about it, I couldn’t help but think, how stupid are those activists? By becoming violent in such a way, they have now effectively turned people off from their message. Rather than us thinking, “what a great message, we should be doing something” we now view the activists as the perpetrators and those they attacked as the victims. Because of their actions, the message of the activists becomes null and void.

And in a completely separate, but oddly connected thing, my friend recently has been going through a really hard time in her life, and someone close to her who doesn’t have a clear personal relationship with Jesus threw out some Biblical platitudes at her in an attempt to somehow comfort her, or give her some hope, but instead it only infuriated her, and made her feel more alone. Not because the things he said were untrue, they weren’t, they were Scriptural. But because of the person who told them to her. Once again, because of that person’s action, their message was lost despite the power and truth of the original message.

Which of course then made me think, how often do I do that? How often is my message tuned out, or am I ignored not because I am not speaking truth, but because of the actions and priorities in my life?

Paul says in Philippians, “1:27Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in one spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel”

And again in Ephesians “1As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”
And then again in Thessalonians “10on the day he comes to be glorified in his holy people and to be marveled at among all those who have believed. This includes you, because you believed our testimony to you. 11With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith. 12We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.”

I know I am often not living in a manner worthy of my calling as a follower of Christ, so what happens then when I try and communicate the message of Truth but am not living in a way that reflects my belief and commitment to that same Truth? Now we are talking about my actions having an eternal impact on not just myself but those I am trying to reach. That really really damages my denial infrastructure that my actions really only affect myself.

Lucky for us, God is bigger than us and our actions, and His Truth can and will still be heard, despite our best efforts to evidence the contrary. But whatever way we slice it, especially if we try to use that logic to reason out that we can behave however we want and have it not affect anything or anyone else’s faith, God still uses us as messengers of His word, His truth, His comfort, His salvation, and the actions we take effects how our message is received.

A message of chastity is lost when presented by a scantily clad female – despite the truth of her message

A message of sobriety is lost when presented by one who is drunk

A message of peace is lost when trying to communicate it via violence

Or in the case of my friend, the message of the true comfort, hope and peace we have in Christ is lost because it was used as a flippant, convenient way to try and manipulate her into not feeling so badly.

Here’s the catch, I am not worthy of the calling of Christ, and I never will be. But to my complete awe and incomprehension, God realized this and has taken care of that for me, through the sacrifice of Jesus. It is this sacrifice that allows me to have hope in becoming worthy of my calling, it is because of this sacrifice and my desire to have a personal relationship with Christ, I am constantly being pushed towards holiness and trying to allow the truth, His Truth, to take over my life. Because let’s face it, without that, I am nothing.

History

2008-08-08T20:19:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here watching the opening of the Olympics, which I am watching because I feel like I should. This is history being made after all. Despite the fact that I am also doing three other things at the same time (as is my way) I am overcome with a feeling of jealousy (as ugly as that word is) and awe for the history of other countries. It is amazing to realize that for example China's history has extends over a period of at least 3000 years. Their art, culture, traditions, military, dances, music, clothing, everything has come from such an extrordinary, rich history. To be able to know that your heritage is so steeped in time, must be overwhelming, and cause an overwhelming sense of pride. I have often loved to see the dances from various cultures, and just thoroughly enjoyed seeing a part of their history in action. Going to Europe, seeing cities that are centuries old, if not even older is just amazing to me. Never mind those cultures that have existed for 5000 or more years. To truly appreciate, and understand that seeming timelessness is simply incomprehensible to me.

Do not think that I do not also have a deep sense of pride in America, my country. But I think we often act as though we have existed for much longer than we have and we fail to learn and take lessons from those that have been around 10-15x longer than we have. We are such a young country, it does make me think about what it will be in 2000 years, when Americans will look back on our time now, look back at the turn of last century, our Gold Rush days, our colonial days, our "western" days and feel an overwhelming sense of history, pride and awe at what we have come through as a country.

I now watch it not because I feel like I have to, but out of amazement for what they are showing. Heck, I am now actually only doing one thing...okay maybe two. :)

My wonderful piece of flair says it all

2008-08-01T16:21:00.000-07:00

Today I was chatting with a friend, and she said this line in reference to someone else. But I just really and truly loved it and she made me a little piece of flair. There are just so many people I want to give this little button to, it applies to so many - including of course myself (which is why I am in recovery and work the steps!). There is just such a stigma out there about not seeking help, because of not wanting to appear crazy or sick, or incapable of handling things on our own. But I wish everyone would get into therapy or recovery of some kind. The impact it makes is of course life changing, but it also impacts every relationship we have, every interaction we have, every decision. Unprocessed grief, anger, joy, anxiety, resentments, bitterness, misdirected rationalizations, and defenses, unrealistic expectations, dissapointment, the need for adrenaline, the need for drama, for drugs, for sex, for food (or lack thereof), our futile attempts at control - everything that colors our entire lives can be changed forever by seeking out an impartial observer.

When we try and do things on our own, when we try and work through things without that outside help, it is really only the furthering of our insanity because if we are trying to use our head to get through things - it is in our head that our problems originated!! Why would you rely on the person who made you sick in the first place to make you better?! Misplaced trust perhaps? I know trusting myself to try and figure things out is really just my sickness telling me I have it all under control and that I can fix it. But hello! This is the same brain that convinces me that I am not even sick (see my blog on the shadow side).

Basically, I am just advocating getting outside help for anything, just to have someone else to talk to and I am talking as much to myself as anyone who reads this. Spouses are great, but not impartial, family members - definitely not impartial, friends - they all want you to be happy and may not be the truth givers you need them to be. Hmm, I really didn't mean this to be a treatise on why I think everyone should seek outside help, but there it is. It's how I feel - "For &#$%'s sake, go to therapy" :)

Clicking the Ignore Button

2008-07-31T16:21:00.000-07:00

"I have plenty of common sense, I just choose to ignore it" - Calvin

Why do I identify with this statement so much? I read it and knew it was me to the core, and it was said by a made up 5 year old (but I adore Calvin and Hobbes though). My dad would always and forever be telling me to think before I act/speak. Well, let's just say I didn't learn that lesson until much much later in my life, and I really only learned it cause when I forgot to do so, it always bit me in the butt. I would go "ooooohhhhh, that's what my parents were talking about" It would of course be with stupid things like wiping something off of my razor - with my leg - which of course cut my leg. Or blurting out the first thing that came into my head - which has had many disastrous results over the years.

But that is stupid stuff, what happens when I ignore it about important stuff? And why in the world do I choose to ignore it? I really do live the definition of insanity sometimes "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" Maybe this time I can ignore what I know to be true, and still have things work out okay. Silly me, when will I learn? What if for the time being I want to ignore my common sense, and spin? What will happen then? Don't know, but is it bad to admit I am enjoying myself whilst ignoring it? Oopsies if it is! :)

Our Mexican Experience - long!

2008-07-24T15:55:00.000-07:00

We arrived in Mexico on the first day, Sunday the 13th about 4 in the afternoon, which afforded us the ability to unpack, go and grab some dinner and just start to prepare ourselves for the week ahead. I can never stress enough how great the Calvary Chapel Training Center is for groups. They are always super clean, all of their rules makes sense (you would be surprised at some places crazy rules). This year they mixed up the food a bit, instead of just beans/eggs/tortillas for breakfast and beans/meat/tortillas for dinner, we had the usual for breakfast, but they definitely stepped up the dinner with things such as pasta, baked chicken, chicken wraps, etc. It was a nice change from the year before, which was great, but variety is nice.

Monday we headed out for our first day of ministry, and got all up to speed on where the Grace Children’s Home (their blog is in my list of blogs on the left) is at in terms of their construction projects, and their successes in achieving their vision. The vision of George and Stacey Palau (the couple that started and runs the home) is amazing. They have so much going on right now in their lives with the children’s home, they run a weekly Bible study for the neighborhood where they also pass out food bags, they are involved in their local church ministries, and the ongoing construction of their new building. And yet, they are also completely determined and focused on moving forward with their vision on building a senior citizen home, and an infant home, as well as creating a backup water and power system for the current home. The Mexican water/power system is unpredictable at best, and when they have 60 people to worry about, backups are a huge priority. They just amaze me in their ability to be completely engaged in their current projects, but to constantly be looking forward as well.

We were assigned a couple of manual labor projects, such as taking down and rebuilding a fence, leveling out a huge pile of dirt, and fixing a whole fleet of bikes that have been broken through use by 40 kids. :) The fences are really important, because down there if you don’t have a proper fence, anything and everything can and will be stolen. GCH had a neighbor who had about 6 cars stolen, including one that they cut in half and drove off with the front half in order to sell for scrap metal. So since GCH has so much construction going on, they are in possession of a lot of rebar, which is a hot commodity, so we set about fixing their fence first. So we split into two groups and one group worked on the fence, and the other joined the kids of the home and began to play.

We discovered one of the best ways of playing with kids, bring a dress up box!! It was an immense hit with the kids, they would spend over an hour just putting on different dresses, shoes, graduation gowns, helmets, badges, boas, and the list goes on. The boys of course figured out that if they wore a graduation gown unzipped and ran, they would billow out like capes. So we had about 6 caped crusaders running around at a time. The girls immediately put on the prom dresses, heels, and grabbed the fans and headed off to play pretend. And the little kids loved those little plastic high heels that cannot be comfortable, but kids always love. So each day we would pull out the dress up box in the morning, and then put it away when it was time for the first craft.

We did two crafts each day, and we spent a lot of time before the trip trying to figure out crafts that would not just simply junk up the home or the kids’ rooms. We wanted them to be fun to do but also useful so the kids made: tote bags (which they were able to use right away on our beach day), pillows with fleece pillow covers, wind chimes, they painted their own Frisbees, made frames, colored velvet treasure boxes, etc. I think they all went pretty well, and I believe several of us still have glitter somewhere on our person. Glitter just never goes away.

One of the biggest joys and testaments to the care and love put into GCH was the kids that were new there last year, and who had been scared, reserved, kept to themselves, didn’t speak to anyone – much less in English, who this year have really bloomed. They have become secure, they feel safe, and cared for, and you can tell, it is so readily apparent in the way they carry themselves not only among the other kids in the home, but with the visiting groups as well. And the leaps and bounds made in all of the kids abilities to speak English was amazing! Not only did it make it a lot easier on us of course, but also these kids will have such a greater opportunity in life if they are fluent in English, so this means a great great start for them at the children’s home.

Our youth also did a couple Bible lessons for the kids this year, which we had not done last year, so that made it fun just cause it was different. One of our youth, Michael, appeared as a shepherd looking for “Woolie” his lost sheep, and had the kids help him look, and then of course told the story of Jesus as our shepherd and how even though He has the 99, he still goes and finds the 1 missing. We also did the story of Jesus calming the seas in which the kids got to make storm noises and spray water on Jeff’s face as he was playing Jesus. And finally, we told the story of Jesus healing the blind man, and we blindfolded all of the kids and had them wander around “in the dark” for a few minutes (don’t worry, the environment was controlled, we didn’t just set them free. :) ) The kids seemed to remember the activities and the lessons connected to them…at least for the days we were there, who knows about the future?! Guess we will just have to trust God to take care of those memories. :)

There were all the same kids this year as there had been last year, which is actually a great thing because that means none of them had to go back to their previous living environments but have been able to truly settle in and feel secure in their time at the home. The kids of course are still, and will forever be dealing with what they have gone through, several of the kids would ask our youth where our parents were, if we still lived with them, and then would ask where theirs were. Heartbreaking of course, but I love that God has provided Grace Children’s Home and the Palau’s in which these kids will be able to see what true love is, real mercy, and what genuine compassion for others means.

We were able to attend the midweek service offered by Calvary Chapel and our group really enjoyed it. It was bilingual which of course made it quite nice for us. But was also a great experience seeing a church figure out how to serve a larger part of their congregation, which seemed to be quite a task for the pastor. He would start to get all revved up, but then have to interrupt his flow every couple of sentences to have it translated. But luckily his translator happened to be as animated and excited as the pastor, so it was enjoyable for everyone to watch. I personally really enjoyed the worship. That part was only in Spanish, but it was amazing hearing God be praised in another language, and I truly just enjoyed listening rather than worrying about how I was sounding or if I was getting the words right. We were also able to attend the Thurs. night Bible study that Stacey and George put on for their neighborhood. We helped watched the kids, and were just there was a support, but I loved the fact that our kids were ready to help out in the evening even though they had just spent the day running around after the kids. Our youth group truly is an amazing bunch of kids, and I love them! :)

Each day was filled with kid time, playing, crafts, bike riding, fence fixing, dirt spreading, piggy back riding, jungle gym climbing, dressing up, cleaning up, picking up (both items and children), and just a great sense of connection and unity. Our group also got to go to the beach each afternoon after we left the children’s home and just enjoyed playing in the waves for about 45 minutes each day. We did also get a beach day with the kids, and luckily this year, everyone wore their sunscreen so we had no serious sunburn issues. Then on Friday after we said goodbye to the kids, our group headed down to the Rosarito marketplace and did some bargaining and bought various items. We then enjoyed dinner at one of the local (and safe) restaurants, and enjoyed truly fresh and delicious Mexican cuisine, and it was hot! Hot! Hot! Definitely local salsa, none of the wimpy Americanized stuff. :)

And of course, much praise and kudos must go to Jeff who drove the 15-passenger van all around Mexico without one problem! There were at times some white knuckles on the steering wheel, but he did a great job, and even pulled a couple of moves that earned him cheers from our youth. They told him he was truly driving like he lived in Mexico, but then we realized, he was really just driving like a Californian. :) So three cheers for Jeff and his great driving skills!

Saturday we headed to the border, and the last two years it has taken us 3 hours each time to cross back into California, but this year…1 hour!!!! We were so happy, and as everyone had their passport, we crossed the border with no problems whatsoever. We arrived home safely Saturday night at about 7:30pm
We had an amazing time, and everyone was safe, no one got sick, and I think kids, both Mexican and American were blessed. I also think that our kids were able to stop for at least 5 days of their lives and just completely focus on people other than their immediate peer group or themselves. Which is something I think everyone needs to do, teenager or not. There was definitely thoughtful reflection at the end of each day about what they were doing and whom they were truly doing it for. I think Jeff’s lesson really wrapped up the week nicely as he talked about the unity of the church. We are all given gifts by God, and used in unity with other believers; we become functioning and fruitful members of the greater body of Christ and the church. Our kids did that; they were able to use their gifts in unity with each other in order to accomplish our mission and goal for ministry.

Gratitude List

2008-07-22T10:27:00.001-07:00

1. My incredible and wonderful family who are always supportive and loving and wise
2. My husband who is always willing to make me quesadillas, go along with my crazy ideas, lets me be me, who has the same twisted sense of humor, the guy I want with me at all times so that when someone makes me think of one of our private jokes, he is there to laugh with me.
3. My insanely great friends, some whom I have had for 16 years, some much less but it feels like a lifetime. Ones I can always run to when I need them, ones that make me laugh every time, ones that can get to me like no one else can, ones who understand even my darkest side because they struggle with it too.
4. My three furbabies who are always good for a snug, are so soft, very entertaining, and I love to bury my face in their bellies and just cuddle
5. My home that, while I do not love cleaning it, I love coming home to it
6. Walks on warm summer evenings
7. The fact that no matter how human I am, God still loves me and extends grace
8. My church - it is different, and can be immensely frustrating, but they are genuine in their desire to draw others closer to God, dedicated in their pursuit for honest and nonmanipulative teachings of who God is and what we are to do with that knowledge, and the ability one can have to be totally honest about the shadow self without fear of hypocrisy, but knowing everyone in the church has been there and won't pretend they haven't.
9. My ability to use my knowledge in the field of addiction to hopefully help others struggling
10. My Pilota (my car, I love that thing!)
11. my ability after so much time in pain and barely being able to stand, I am now able to run 5 times a week and even do weights without my joints failing me. Thank you accupuncture and Camille Vardy!
12. Dr. Karen Purcell - no success yet, but lots of kindness, and professionalism, and desire for to us be successful.
13. Reading a really great historical fiction novel
14. My own recovery and the ups and downs, and everything I have learned about God and myself
15. The fact that even though I don't really like the actual city, Livermore still holds a level of comfort for me because of those still living there.
16. Camping!
17. My little goddaughter Scarlett. Holding her makes everything okay again
18. My delicious bed and its down comforter from Switzerland.
19. The fact that the forest and the ocean are only 8 minutes away from me
20. Starbucks. Nuff said. :)
21. Amazing memories - I don't want those to ever go away, wonder how I can work that out
22. Despite my issues with it - the foundation that my old church and youth leader gave me that have propelled me to where I am today in my faith and ministry
23. My weekly dinners with Sara/Kevin and Jenny/Josh
24. My relationships with the kids in my youth group - they can be infuriating at times, but I love those kids
25. Anything that makes me laugh more than just a giggle - who doesn't love a really good laugh?

An Image

2008-07-22T09:52:00.000-07:00

I have this image in my head, it is a water balloon almost full of water, too full. And it is sitting under a faucet as one drip at a time falls into the balloon. I can even hear it...drip, drip, drip. The balloon is stretching and getting bigger, beyond what you would think it could, but it continues to expand. At what point will it finally reach its capacity and explode? Which drip will push it to the breaking point? And what will happen once it does? And who gets to clean up the mess when it happens?

Dixie Chicks So Hard

2008-07-07T15:43:00.000-07:00

It felt like a given

Something a woman’s born to do

A natural ambition

To see a reflection of me and you

And I’d feel so guilty

If that was a gift I couldn’t give

And could you be happy

If life wasn’t how we pictured it

And sometimes I just want to wait it out

To prove everybody wrong

And I need your help to move on

‘Cause you know it’s so hard

It’s so hard

It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy

It’s so hard when it doesn’t come fast

It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy

So hard

Quien Sabe

2008-07-07T15:26:00.000-07:00

As I am gearing up this final week before I go to Mexico with my youth group on our mission trip, it of course brings me back to all of my memories of mission trips of the past. When I think about those that I had gone on when I was in highschool, I realized they are my absolute favoritist memories of my life so far. They were filled with amazing amounts of fun, and just bonding with friends, late night shenanigans, a couple of embarrassing behaviors, and most importantly of course was seeing what God did every single time we were there. I still remember the, for lack of a better word, miracles that we saw happen when supplies that were gone simply appeared, when we forgot newspaper (and for paper mache it is a must) and no one in Mexico gets a newspaper, but lo and behold a neighbor had a bag full of them. And the stories go on and on. There was of course drama - relationship and otherwise, but with a group as big as ours was, that was inevitable. I remember being one of the youth who wished the adults would just loosen up and not worry so much...little did I know I would become one of "those" The last two years I have returned from our mission trips, I believe I have sent an email to Chris Thielen saying thank you, and I am sorry for everything I ever did on those trips!

Because I loved them so much and saw God do so much, it makes me wonder and hope that my kids are now getting the chance for the same good memories. We are such a small group - this year we have only 6 kids, and 5 adults going (quite a ratio!). This works both for and against us, for us because there is basically no drama and certainly no pairing off (although those do work out occasionally ;) but it is hard because when we have one kid who doesn't feel like doing anything or doesn't want to be there anymore, that is a rather large percentage of our group! Much less if a couple of them decide to strike. Our kids are wonderful, don't get me wrong, I love them as if they were my own teens, but teens are teens and sometimes they are grumpy - heck us adults are grumpy sometimes too. Hard to believe, but it's true. So in all the worrying about timing, motivating, organizing, supporting, etc. I sometimes forget to make sure the kids are just having a great time serving, and are learning something about God and about themselves. Not that I really know how to make those a focus more so than we already try. As a group we play a mean game of Apples to Apples, ImagineIf, and Bible Scatagories, and we of course always have a time of Bible Study and reflection, but I guess what I am trying to get at is...am I doing enough to make these trips memories that will last for a lifetime? Will they be able to look back and just have their hearts fill with joy when they remember them as I do now looking back on mine? Because I do love these kids, I don't want to fail them in this.

What's that you say? Trust God? Okay, I think I will. :)

Songs

2008-06-27T19:29:00.000-07:00

So when I am driving and listening to my MP3 player, when certain songs come up on the playlist, some of them can immediately take me back to a time/place/person/memory all in an instant. I thought while I was thinking of it, I would make a little list of songs that have important imprints in my life.

1. Always be my Baby - Mariah Carey
2. Always - Bon Jovi
3. No Place that Far - Sara Evans
4. I'm Alright - JoDee Messina
5. It's Your Love - Faith Hill and Tim McGraw
6. Come What May - Moulin Rouge
7. Time of Your Life - Green Day
8. Crash - Dave Matthews Band
9. Cowboy Take Me Away - Dixie Chicks
10. Iris - Goo Goo Dolls
11. Criminal - Fiona Apple
12. Any Indigo Girls song
13. Lightening Crashes - Live
14. Friends - Michael W Smith
15. Breakfast at Tiffanys - Deep Blue Something
16. Knocking on Heaven's Door - Guns and Roses
17. Last Kiss - Pearl Jam
18. Creep - Stone Temple Pilots
19. Kissing You - Desiree
20. Fancy - Reba
21. Wide Open Spaces - Dixie Chicks

I think that's it for now, perhaps I shall think of more as I listen to my MP3 player. I also like the fact that there is more than one of these songs that bring to mind the same person/people/situations. That's the stuff life is made of.

When?

2008-06-27T15:35:00.000-07:00

When does it start to get easier? Just a question I have been asking myself lately. Especially since I have had some stuff trigger some old behaviors and thoughts in my own recovery. I start to go down a road that I know will be trouble, but I do it anyway. And then I realize what I am doing, and am shocked that I could be so easily pulled back to my basest of self. I should be past all this, I should be further in my recovery than to fall for such an easy lie that my own issues bring forward. But that's just it isn't it? No matter how far we go in our own recovery, our own health, or our own faith, because we are so very human, we can fall back to our shadow selves so quickly, and get so sucked in; even when you know it every step of the way, you still fight the good and enjoy getting taken in by the shadow.

As I work through my own recovery and issues of control, and obssessing and fixating, and all that "good" stuff that goes with it, I realize more and more that a relapse is always just one breath away, that the frailty of humaness is always waiting for a moment when it can suck me in. Understanding this concept of just how base, how shadowed I still am, makes the freedom that comes from giving it all to my Higher Power and receiving grace that much more sweet.

So when will it get easier? My guess? Never, so I better keep busting my butt and working on my stuff and giving it all over so that my shadow side doesn't win, or even begin to trick me into thinking it is no longer there. Just things I have been thinking about...

Must share - I adore these

2008-06-24T16:02:00.001-07:00

I love the LOL cats, but this one is my all time favorite, and I laugh hard every time I look at it, mostly because the cat in the corner is my cat Hercules.

How to be a 14 year old again

2008-06-24T15:31:00.000-07:00

So, thanks to a friend's wedding this past weekend, I have discovered how to stay young forever. And as one of those friends has pointed out, we didn't even need the aid of alcohol to figure out these things, perhaps it would be less embarrassing were we completely wasted, cause then we would have an excuse, as it is, these are the ways you can be perpetually 14.

1. Not only notice the hot chick photographer in her white see through pants (she was very tan under there) but then bet with your friends as to whether she is wearing any panties. Awesome fun, and my husband amazingly was the one who figured out that she in fact was wearing a thong. How? I have no idea, because a couple of times her little butt was in my face and I couldn't see it. But leave it to a boy.

2. When said photographer leaves her flash dimmer thing that looks like a silicon boob on your table, pretend to shove it into your dress to cover your boobs like a bra - even better to do when she is standing right behind you. They love it, don't let them tell you otherwise.

3. Completely destroy everything on your table - ie ripping the petals off of the roses that were so beautiful you could cry at the beginning of the night. Place said petals into either the open flame candle, or first extinguish the candle and then dip the roses into the wax. then throw the wax at people at your table. But the best is to throw a handful of petals at someone and shout "Huzzah!!" it really makes the moment special.

4. Make the dirtiest, most suggestive "honeymoon" CD you have ever heard, and then listen to it with your group of friends, commenting on all the fun parts in the song, because let's face it, dirty songs are still fun...and funny.

5. Pose for pictures on various playground equipment - swings, monkey bars, anything goes.

6. Find it infinitely amusing that at certain angles of the table, it looks like you are not wearing any clothing at all - then take pictures proving this fact, and then even better, be very proud of this and make sure everyone knows you were "naked"

7. Laugh at all 420, 69, poop and sex jokes that you are able to come up with. Really, when is this stuff supposed to not be funny anymore? I know it isn't when you have kids - cause I have some friends that shall remain nameless that still find these things amusing. You know who you are.

8. Feel like you have to apologize to those you are with when you want to write a sincere note of congratulations and happiness to those you are there celebrating for/with. Having to declare things to be "serious" and "for real"

9. Find it endlessly amusing that two boys are sharing a double bed and engaging in "pillow talk"- then have a picture sneak attack of this situation

10. Drinking Milkshakes - drinking them all up.

Feel free to use these things in your daily life to feel perpetually young! They work for me!

Whirlie, Swirlie, Twirlie

2008-06-24T15:30:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I thought I would give this blogging thing a whirl. I don't know that I have all that much to actually blog about as I have no kids to keep people posted on, but I thought perhaps I might root around in my subconscious for something to post. We shall see what direction this thing takes.